First comes the proposal, then the wedding, and then the house. This was once the norm, but not anymore.

In Singapore, when you’ve been in a relationship for a reasonable amount of time, you can expect your partner to ask you one crucial question: “Want to BTO?”

Today, many couples apply for a BTO (Build-To-Order) flat before proposing. Marriage comes a little later, and it can happen before or after getting the keys to their home.

Logically, it makes more sense. It's pragmatic, as the wait for a BTO can be (dreadfully) long. The completion of BTO projects can take around 2.5 to 5 years. And let’s face it. Getting a house in Singapore is stressful. In fact, it’s downright terrifying.

It doesn’t matter if you’re in a relationship or if you’re single, buying a house here is crazy expensive despite the various grants available. It’s also incredibly difficult because you’re competing with hundreds of other buyers bidding for the same flat you wish to get. And when you are getting something which you will most likely have to continue paying for for the next 20 to 30 years, you can expect everyone to 'fight' for their ideal choice.

This competitiveness for a BTO forces many young Singaporeans to commit themselves into a relationship when they may not exactly be ready.

THE PRESSURE TO FIND LOVE FASTER

Because of the amount of time it takes for you to successfully get the keys to your new home, it means having to find the person you are 'meant to be with' a lot faster.

I know of singles in their mid 20s who are still working on finding the right person to date, let alone have a relationship with.

Dating itself has become a more daunting task than before. From the get-go, we start thinking about whether we see a future with this person, because we no longer have time to spend on someone whom we’re not going to spend the rest of our lives with.

A lot of singles in their mid and late 20s go into their first date hoping that it’ll be their last first date. We’re no longer dating to date, but we’re dating for marriage. I’ve even heard a couple of my singles friends tell me, “I want my next boyfriend to be my last one.”

Sophia, 25 and single, shared how she goes into every first date subconsciously analysing everything about her date, to get a sense of whether she sees herself spending the rest of her life with him.

“First dates used to be about having a good night out while getting to know someone,” she shares. “Now I find myself thinking about stuff you’d usually only start thinking about after knowing someone for a couple of months like “Does he want kids?” and “How religious is he?””

As much as it stinks for people like Sophia, who thought dating would be “fun and enjoyable”, buying a house in Singapore means having to think about our future a lot quicker.

It's not a bad thing to date with the purpose of marriage of course, but it may not necessarily be a good thing to be bogged down by the practicalities of what is seemingly a talk for much later on. While applying for a BTO is a great way to get us to plan for our future early, it also, in a lot of ways, ruin romance.

IS OUR HOUSING SYSTEM A CURSE?

But it’s not just the singles who are stressed out. Couples are having to commit to the person they are with a lot earlier in their relationship. And while that’s not exactly a problem, it does provide immense pressure to someone who's not ready for that level of commitment, while facing their partner who is.

No longer do we have ample time in our hands to enjoy the ‘honeymoon phase’ of a relationship. While there are the lucky few who stay with their school sweethearts for 10 years, a lot of us only find “the one” somewhere in our mid 20s.

But there are instances where despite having your lives planned out together, relationships simply don’t work out.

What happens when you have a BTO on your way, and you realise that you can no longer see a future with the person you are with?

I was surprised to find that there wasn’t a lack of post-BTO breakup stories within my circle of friends alone.

Alvin, 27, went through a breakup with his girlfriend of four years after they had successfully balloted for their home last year.

“She said that she didn’t see a future with me anymore and just needed some time for herself,” he shared. “It was later that I found out there was another guy.”

“I guess no matter how much you plan for something, sometimes life just kicks you in the nuts,” Alvin laughed.

A breakup was the last thing he had expected to happen, especially at a stage of his life where he thought he had his future all planned out.

What makes BTOs all the more scary are the implications that cancelling your application causes.

There’s no doubt that you end up forfeiting the money that you’ve invested, depending on how far along in the process you are.

You also lose your first-time applicant advantages, and if you want to apply for a BTO with your next partner, or as a single, you have to wait at least a year to be able to do so.

“It sucks that the implications of forfeiting a BTO are so costly, literally,” Alvin says. “But at least it’s taught me to take my time and not rush into settling down with someone.”

Samantha, 25, whose boyfriend also broke up with her after applying for their BTO together, believes that a BTO is an expectation created by society.

“Instead of asking, 'Proposed already ah?', people ask, 'BTO already ah?' which I think indirectly gives couples a lot of pressure to get a BTO.”

It seems like we assume getting a BTO guarantees a relationship. But there rarely is ever a guarantee on anything.

“A lot of couples rush into getting a BTO because they think that might give them some ‘security’”, she shared. “But that shouldn’t be case, you should apply for a BTO because you’re secure about your relationship.”

SOMETIMES YOU JUST WORK THROUGH IT

It’s normal to feel unsure about your relationship and stumble onto rough patches along the way. The stress that comes with the BTO doesn’t help either. What was meant to be a significant part of a couple’s life has become a stressful endeavour instead.

Couples who have successfully gotten their house have had their own share of rough patches along the way. But these couples found a way to set things on track to start building their future with their partners.

Mabel, 28, who has now secured her home through Sales of Balance (SFB), wasn’t sure if she was ready to commit to her boyfriend of 3 years before they applied for it in May 2018.

“I didn’t know if I was ready to commit,” she shared. “Because it’s not only about committing to a house, but committing to the rest of my life ahead of me.”

“Whenever we spoke about applying for a BTO, a part of me wanted it, but the other part was also scared.”

Today, Mabel and her fiancé have the keys to their house, and will be getting married in a few months' time.

“When I told my fiance about my fears, we talked about it and decided to make it work together,” she continued. “I saw his efforts in trying to make our relationship work and I just wanted to do the same.”

For Alexa, 25, applying for a BTO was a natural next step in their relationship. When they applied for their BTO, they had been together for two years and knew they were ready for the commitment.

Yet, it was after they were successful in their ballot that Alexa’s relationship hit a rough patch.

“That ‘ready’ feeling became very different as we went through a seriously rough patch that really made us think if we should move forward,” she shared.

Like anyone else in her position, Alexa didn’t want to go through the hassle of withdrawing their application.

“There was definitely a lot of pressure because this was an investment we had gotten ourselves into.” she continued. “This really showed me that the BTO system can really be a burden.”

While in many ways, having a BTO on the line does encourage you to make things work with your beau and give your relationship another chance, it doesn’t allow you to consider your relationship rationally.

“We had to tell ourselves to consider the future of our relationship as if there was no BTO involved,” says Alexa. “Because we knew that if we let the BTO decide our future, we wouldn’t be happy.”

Fortunately, Alexa and her boyfriend managed to get past their rough patch and are eager to start their life together today.

DON’T JUMP THE GUN

It’s normal to have the urge to jump on a bandwagon that everyone around you is on. We all want to have a great home by the age of 35. We all have an ideal ‘plan’ of where we want to be by the time we’re in our late 30s.

Despite being single for the past two years, Jason, still has no qualms about rushing into a relationship at 27.

“I get that in Singapore, settling down with someone takes a lot more time. But I would much rather wait until 35 and get my bachelor pad than get a BTO with someone I'm unsure about,” shares Jason. “Singlehood doesn’t scare me, being with the wrong one does.”

BTOs should be a mere stepping stone into the future you want to build, it shouldn’t be the foundation of it.

“Your future shouldn't depend on getting a BTO,” says Alexa. “It’s better to be 30 and single than to be with someone you’re unsure about.”

Also read: Hustle Together, Stay Together - These Singaporean Couples Prove That Office Romance Can Work

Slightly over a month ago, I watched as he walked down the aisle with his bride. 12 years ago, it was me whose hands he held. But when I saw him holding up his bride’s gown train and guiding her up the stage, it was joy I felt and not jealousy. I was, in fact, proud of him for finally moving on to the next stage in life: getting married. It was a strange feeling, because he was my first love. What makes it even more bizarre is that he had cheated on me twice. Yet, he is now someone I consider a BFF (Best Friend Forever).

“What! Why/How are you still friends with him?”

Is something that I get all the time whenever anyone learns about this unlikely friendship of mine, and understandably so. Most of us are sceptical of being friends with exes or anyone we had a romantic endeavour with, let alone exes who have done us wrong. And cheating is right up there on the list of wrongs together with murder, for the stab to our heart is like a murder of our soul. I exaggerate, but anyone who has had their heart broken would know that awful feeling too well. Even if the relationship hadn’t ended on such a bad note, it is hard to go from lovers to friends without the awkwardness of having to deal with the remnants of any unresolved feelings of love (or hate) from either party. Chemistry can be a wonky bitch and the flame could be reignited at any moment. Who’s to say either party wouldn’t fall prey to that? Afterall, when one has shared such an intimate part of one’s self with someone else, it can be hard to maintain a relationship with that person with no romantic attachments. Any feelings of love, lust, hope, or anticipation would tip the scales of a platonic friendship. Furthermore, remaining as friends with an ex is only going to make things complicated. Regardless of how mutual a breakup is, there will always be wounds from a failed relationship. Contrarily, it’s easy to use the guise of friendship to mask the hope one has on patching up. Just like how a cut will never heal if one were to keep poking at the wound, remaining in constant contact with someone we’ve fallen out with or even stalking their social media accounts is just going to make it harder to fully move on. It is the same even with a close friend or family member. At some point, we’ve all had that someone whom we’ve fallen out with, a tie that we’ve lost due to a multitude of reasons and wished things hadn’t panned out so badly. It could have been a silly spat or a major miscommunication, but it’s a common belief that once one has gone down that road, there is no return. But there is, because I’ve been through it.

The Painful But Worthy Transition From Lovers To Friends

Calling him as an ‘ex’ doesn’t even quite cut it. It is as vague as sketching out the outline to an elaborate painting. He was the one who taught me the meaning of romance. He wooed the diehard romantic in me. As cliche as it sounds, he was to me what Prince Charming was to Cinderella - someone I had never expected to fall for, but swept me away and gave me the fairytale I always dreamt of as a young and innocent teenage girl. I knew what it meant to have butterflies in my stomach because of him, to smile like a fool whenever I reread every corny text he sent, to lie to my parents so I can go out on dates, and I was so ready to spend the rest of my life with him - naive, I know. Then again, some say the first love is always the most beautiful, and it was for me. Yet, he was also the one who taught me the meaning of heartbreak in the worst possible way. When he confessed to kissing another girl a year into our relationship, I was perplexed and hurt, but still too smitten to see the red flags. Then, when I found out that he had been seeing another girl a little later, I was shattered. It was the first time I truly understood what it means to feel like ‘my spirit has left the body’. I remember having to study for O levels in tears from the regular breakdowns recalling how he couldn’t make the decision between me and the other girl. “I need more time. Wait for me, I’ll settle this. I promise,” he left me hanging with a glimmer of hope as I struggled to stay sane while juggling the stress of such major exam papers. Eventually, he chose her. It was hard to come to terms with the end. I knew it was going to hurt, but the other part of heartbreak that no one told me about was the embarrassment that came with having to ‘disappoint’ his brother and cousin, both of whom I had grown close to, and the regret that I will never be able to fulfill that role that they had accorded me for: family. Breaking up was only the start because ironically, he would go on to seek my help to woo the girl he had broken up with me for. And I did what he asked of me because if I couldn’t make him happy, I hoped that he could at least find happiness with someone else who can. He would go on to chase that same girl for the next 10 years, only to give up after reaching the limit he had set for himself before settling down with someone else. As much as the guilt he felt for having been a bastard to me, I’ve always felt guilty towards him - that girl never accepted him for she couldn’t get over the fact that she was a third party back then. Looking back, though I had loved him deeply, I feel like I was the third party instead, that I was that barrier that prevented him from being with his One. I was the one who caused him unrequited love for 10 years. And it pained me whenever I saw him drift in and out of relationships, because we both knew about his love for that one girl. Through it all, he taught me the meaning of truly loving someone. Granted, it could have stemmed from my romantic love for him back then and it did take a long time before I can say,  without a doubt, that ours is a friendship void of any romantic feelings. A year of self-deceit and one last ‘hook up that shouldn’t have happened’ with him which culminated in more than an hour-long cry in a school toilet before I honestly had closure.

People ask me why I bothered to be so noble as to enduring my heartbreak back then and even blaming myself for his unrequited love. I’d say it’s a mix of my stupid innocence and the value I saw in that relationship, even if it was reduced from romantic to platonic. After having co-owned a part of your life with someone, that person becomes almost like an extension of you. They will always know a part of you that no one else does, just like you know of them. Finding someone else with the same dynamics and whom you know inside out like an ex does is extremely difficult, and almost impossible once work becomes your life. Of course, that isn’t to say that I am friends with all my exes or that all of my relationships, platonic or romantic, are perfect. There are friends I’ve fought with and exes whom I vowed to never see again for the rest of my life, but that doesn’t mean that every relationship, especially romantic ones, have to end badly. It doesn’t matter if the whole world dictates that you cannot be in contact with an ex or an ex-friend because ultimately, you are the one who will face the consequences of your actions. For me, keeping this particular friendship is only possible because of the mutual understanding between my BFF and me. A big contributor is the respect we we both give our own partners to be completely honest and transparent with our histories, and the acceptance and understanding they give in return. Having accepted that our romantic chapters are closed, I see this friendship as an invaluable one that I will never be able to find anywhere else. The maturity and openness we have towards each other is one that is only possible because of all the shit that we’ve weathered through as a couple and then as BFFs. He is the one person whom I would never feel shy or grossed out sharing or hearing explicit details about sexual experiences with and from, and the one person I know I can turn to even if I needed help to cover up a murder (which, I proclaim, is very unlikely to happen). And if I had to do it all over again, heartbreak and all, I would. Also read: I Bared It All For You, But It Was Barely Love. (Header Image Credit: Sarandy Westfall)

These days, you can no longer assume a couple will get married just because they've been together for a long time.  We all know of people who've had to say goodbye to long-term relationships--1 year, 2 year, and even 5 year relationships.  The sad truth is there are times when you just don't figure into someone else's future. Perhaps it's because they're not ready to take the relationship to the next level; perhaps you've grown apart, and the love you once shared fizzled out. In real life, things just doesn't pan out the way they do in the movies. We reached out to 6 Singaporean millennials and asked them to share why they ended things with their long-time lovers. Here are their heartfelt stories. 

1. “He started saying things like women belong in the kitchen”

He started passing snarky comments like how women should be in the kitchen, making food for the family, or how we should be seen with a broom in our hands. It may seem like nothing, but over time, I started to realise how misogynistic he was as a person. What’s worse, he would say it in front of my brother, and my brother started making such remarks himself. Not cool. He had a great personality, likeable with friends and respectful with family. But I just couldn’t see a future with a man who’s so misogynistic. – Sammie, 25, 2 year relationship

2. “She went on a full day hike with a guy she knew I didn’t like and only told me afterwards”

She decided to go on a full day hike alone with this guy, and I was not informed. Furthermore, she didn’t reply or answer any of my messages and phone calls. She only told me about it when she got home at the end of the day. Her rationale for not telling me was "I knew you would be pissed if I told you." She knew full well that I didn’t like the guy, because I knew he was quite a player.  Going on a hike with that guy without my knowledge, ignoring me the entire day and confessing to me only after – I had no idea what to make of it. Yes, I would have gotten upset if she had told me beforehand but I wouldn't forbid her from going if she really wanted to. I really didn't like that she used my feelings against me. That was the start of the end. – Neo, 30, 2 year relationship

3. “He wanted a trophy wife - a pretty, young thing”

I once dated a significantly older man. He was mature, charismatic, independent, and free-spirited. He taught me a lot about how to see the world and how to love. Strangely, he wanted the polar opposite in a partner: a trophy wife – a pretty, young thing. I really liked him but definitely couldn't see a future with him. We never talked about our status as a couple. Throughout the relationship, I would tell myself that I deserved more than someone who was so non-committal. We went out for close to a year, and I figured he was seeing other people throughout that time. I knew it wasn’t going to work out because I am not the ‘trophy wife’ type. I couldn’t fully let go of him until I realised that I liked him because I saw in him who I wanted to be. That made me come to the realisation that having someone around to curb your loneliness and to project your dreams on is not the same thing as love.  I’ve since grown to be the things I used to like in him: independent, confident, open-minded. I've seen him on the street once with another girl but didn't flinch. I just felt sad for him because I don't think he has one thing that I have: the ability to truly love someone 100%. – Tammy, 26, 1 year relationship

4. “He ‘don’t know’ if I’m in any part of his future plans”

Throughout the 5 years I was with him, we hardly spoke about our future plans. He would brush it off whenever I brought it up. I didn’t harp on it as he hated discussing this topic, and heart-to-heart talks in general. He felt like it was a bit too deep for him. At one point, I decided it was about time we had a proper discussion. I asked if he had any plans to settle down and he said he had no plans of doing so anytime soon. I reasoned that it didn’t have to to be now, but perhaps in two years time. He said it was too early for him and that he didn’t want to plan for marriage. He always hated talking about marriage and I didn’t know why. He said that I was pressuring him. I wanted to settle down by 30, but he had no timeline at all. I asked if I was in any part of his future plans, and he just said, “I don’t know.” He was 28 when that happened. In two years, he’d have been 30 and we would have been together for 7 years. If we had just started dating or even when I was 25 (and him, 26), I would understand if it was too early for talk about marriage. But I think at the age of 27, I need to map out my future already. The thought of having to get to know someone else all over again sucks, but it beats continuing a relationship with someone I don’t even know if I’ll be able to settle down with. – Zaf, 27, 5 year relationship

5. “We wanted different things in the relationship and in life”

We started talking about the future, and the conversation became about what we were looking for in our future lives together. I realised we wanted different things and that we were two different types of people. I'm an extroverted person. I gain my energy from social interactions and from conversations. He needed personal space and a quiet woman who does her job in the background. It wasn't until we were talking about buying a house that I felt something was wrong. He wanted the kind of wife the Chinese call "small woman (小女人)"; someone who'd listen to him. I wanted a life where we would support each other in our respective areas. He always had this air about him, like he thought he knew better because he was older. The moment he said what I wanted was too idealistic, and that what he wanted was realistic, I knew it wasn't going to work out. – Phyllis, 24, 1.5 year relationship

6. “When I felt disgusted at the thought of kissing him, which was really weird”

I think it’s true when people say NS is a true test of a relationship. We had been together for over 2 years and he was serving his NS. We had much less time together, and during the times we did meet, I spent most of the time watching him sleep at home. I began to get irritated by the smallest things he did and didn’t do. It was a dilemma for me because I wanted more from him, while at the same time knowing it wasn’t fair for me to demand much from a guy who’s already so tired when out from camp. I started to question if I was with him because it was comfortable or because I actually loved him. I didn’t want to be an ass and leave him while he was still serving, but when I started feeling disgusted whenever we kissed, I knew I no longer had the feelings I used to have for him. – Belinda, 26, 2 year relationship

No Future Together

We all have our own reasons for ending things with our partners, no matter how long we were with them. From the stories above, it seems like it all boils down to one common factor: not being able to see a future together. After all, what’s the point of staying in a relationship if either of you can’t imagine spending your lives with the other? Not only will you waste your youth, you’ll be wasting precious time and passing up chances to meet the <a href=" right one’. Also read, These 15 Married Couples’ Wedding Hashtags Are 1000X Better Than Yours!

Breakups are tough. Not only are they tough to get through, they're tough to initiate. It can be hard to tell someone you used to like (or <a href=" the real reason why you're initiating the break. Maybe you're harbouring feelings for someone else. Maybe they've changed. Maybe you realised they're assholes. Whatever it is, the truth is hard to tell, which is why some people would rather tell a lie--even if it's a shitty one. We’ve all either experienced first-hand or know of someone who's been jilted without being given a proper explanation--or who's been given one that's so ridiculous, it can't be right. We reached out to some Singaporeans, and here are 10 of the most unbelievable reasons we've found ex-es gave for breaking up. * Some names have been changed for privacy reasons.

 1. “I don't like it when you don’t put the money in the cashier’s hands”

I felt our <a href=" had problems. I chatted with him about it and it turned into a fight. Because I have trouble counting money, I always put coins on the table to count. He told me the only time that I put the money into the cashier's hands was when I bought Gong Cha. And he wasn’t happy because he didn’t like the way I put the money on the table instead of into the cashier's hands. – Roycelyn, 26

2. “You didn’t buy the sneakers you promised”

He’s a sneakerhead. I was late for one <a href=" and he got mad. When I met him, I tried to appease him by saying “Okay, okay, I'll buy shoes ok? Don't be angry.” All was fine and dandy until 2 weeks later, when he asked, "So where are your shoes?" I was stunned by the question. I told him that I said it so he would be happy. He was quiet for the rest of the date. When he went home, he posted a Facebook status: "Don't make promises you can't keep." It went downhill from there. – Tammy, 26

3. “You’re not a virgin anymore, and it’s not like you were great in bed anyway”

A jerk had sex with my friend and dumped her because she was no longer a virgin after that. He added that he found her not as satisfying or as amazing in bed as those online videos made it out to be. – Kian Wai, 26

 4. “I don’t agree with the choice of wedding venue”

We were supposed to have one wedding reception to host her family and friends and a separate reception for my side. Our 3 year relationship ended because she or her family was not agreeable to the choice of venue for the wedding reception on my side. – Sapi, 26

 5. “You ignored my phone calls, so you must be going out with other guys”

If I didn’t reply him within 5 minutes, even during work hours, he would kick up a fuss. And even if I went out with long-time friends, he’d get paranoid as long as there’s a guy around. I happened to be busy this once and didn’t pick up his calls for a few hours, and he assumed that I was out with guys. So he broke up with me. – Kelly, 26

6. “Your A-level results are better than mine”

We’d been dating for a few months and he broke up with me because he couldn’t accept that my A level results were better than his. – Mandy, 25

7. “The way you open a bag of potato chips is wrong”

A friend broke up with her partner because they couldn’t agree on how to open a bag of potato chips. One wanted to tear it open from the jagged edge, while the other insisted on splitting it open from the middle. It brought out the worst in them, along with the realisation that they were so different and stubborn. So they called it quits. – Jeremiah, 29

8. “I suddenly realised you don’t dress well enough”

He was very sweet for the whole month we were dating. Then, out of the blue, he said he wanted to break up because I didn’t dress well enough. When I asked why he even dated me when he didn’t like how I dressed, he said it didn’t bother him until then. It wasn’t even triggered by any particular event or special occasion. He just ‘suddenly realised’ he didn’t like it. – Betty, 25

9. “You have too many pretty female friends”

My friend got dumped because his girlfriend found that he had too many pretty female friends around him, and that made her feel insecure. – Roger, 30

10. “I really, really want to be and miss being single”

She broke up with me and said that she really, really wanted to be and missed being single. She said that she still loved me, but she needed to break up with me and be alone, or else she would forever regret it and think about the ‘what ifs’. – Jun Bin, 26

Break Up Properly, Can?

Seriously guys, if you need to break up, do it right. These reasons aren’t any better than just plainly saying, “I don’t like you anymore.” We've all had bad relationship experiences--some worse than others--but that doesn't mean you should give up on love. Try your luck <a href=" Hopefully, the next guy (or girl) won't be a jerk. What are some unbelievable reasons you’ve been given or heard of? Share them with us in the comments! Also read, NSFs Don’t Deserve The Flak They’re Getting – Here’s Why.