Tag: friends

You can never really judge from first impressions. The kindest of souls could be heavily covered in tattoos and piercings, and the most malicious could be leaders at welfare groups. Be it in romance or friendship, some of us tend to attract or be attracted to the ‘wrong’ people. Some, we’d avoid due to the bad vibes we get right from the start. Then, there are those who’d gradually become toxic even though they were angels at the beginning. It could be an abusive lover or an obsessive friend, but unhealthy relationships will take its toll on anyone over time, sucking away our energy and killing us slowly from the inside. For 5 Singapore millennials who have walked away from a toxic relationship, the emotional (and some, physical) scars will never really go away, but at least life’s much better now. *All names have been changed for privacy reasons.

“He Yelled Right Up In My Face Like A Drill Sergeant”

He was a boyfriend from uni who had a big ego, a serious anger management issue, and very stubborn – it was either his way or the high way. I was constantly walking on egg shells when I was with him and angry outbursts was a norm. From taking a fry from his plate to making a casual remark, the smallest things would set him off. It’d lead to him shouting and even throwing things at me. He'd yell at me like a drill sergeant up close in my face while I was backed into a corner, “if you didn't make me angry I wouldn't have shouted (or broken that, or thrown this).” And I would beg for his forgiveness. He chipped glassware, broke my bedside table, and dented my door. He made me cry on my birthday because I glanced at his phone (which was lying around) when a message came in. I went to my birthday dinner with a splotchy face and eyes red and swollen. I couldn't cry in front of him either. I had to hide in the bathroom to cry because he would see me anywhere else in the house and make that a whole other issue. Good days were good but bad days made me want to hurt him and myself. Everything was emotional and mental. I had to graduate and move back to Singapore (away from him) before I could break up with him. I was scared of him doing anything to me or himself if I was still around. Even after, he’d spam call me at work, livid from the breakup and threatening to kill himself. Moving on from the relationship, I realised my number one priority is me. It may sound selfish but I learnt to put my body and state of mind first. I learnt to say "no", and that a guy who doesn't respect you, who mistreats you, and who doesn't see you as their equal, is a guy not worth spending a second with. – Nellie, 24

“'WTF Is Your Problem?' Was Her Reaction To The Littlest Things”

On the second year of our relationship, she no longer wanted to do the things we both used to enjoy together. She'd constantly come up with excuses not to do things with me. Whenever I suggested spending time together, she'd scold me for being needy, “don't you have other people to bother?" She'd get agitated very easily, threatening to end the relationship over the smallest disagreements. "If you're not happy, then break up" became a common phrase in her vocabulary. She would belittle me and make fun of my flaws and insecurities in front of my friends and even lecturers (we were schoolmates). It got to a point where people asked how I was able to deal with a person like her. They started to perceive me as a 'weakling' and that I wasn't ‘the man in the relationship', which really affected my self-confidence. The relationship became an endless cycle of bickering. Whenever I tried to talk things out nicely, she’ll react with this exact phrase: “WTF is your problem”. Even the most innocuous of questions would set her off – I’d casually asked who she was going out with and she'd go, “WTF is your problem”. She’d assume that I had a problem with who she was going out with, which would escalate into a huge argument with her bringing up past arguments. It was mentally and physically draining, but I held on. I believed in her and hoped that things would improve. I wasn’t one to just give up on things. Nearing the end, I surprised her with a trip to Japan in hopes that it’ll salvage our relationship. I had even bought all the tickets and accommodation. But she got angry instead. She was pissed that I planned it without her knowledge because she said she didn’t really want to go overseas (even though we did have plans for a grad trip awhile back). She left me for good a month ago. Despite being the saddest I've ever been, a little part of me is relieved that it's over. I’m thankful that she ended the relationship, as it’s something I never had the courage to do. If there's one thing I learnt out of this, it’s that not everything I lose is a loss. – Damien, 20

“He Was A Good Person To Gossip With, But Not A Friend”

I’ve been friends with S for almost 2 years and we were pretty close. S was a very gossipy kind of guy, so our clique and I saw him as another ‘girlfriend’. He'd always dig out negative stuff from people to gossip about, but he never saw the possibility of being a ‘toxic person’ himself. I don’t usually share my personal problems with others when I’m sad, but I was facing a relationship problem this once and needed to talk to someone about it. After being a close friend to S for 2 years, I decided I could open up to him. We met for over 5 hours where I shared my problems with him. He advised me to break up with my then boyfriend. I felt things weren’t that bad to just end a relationship over, so S suggested a timeout. I thought about it and agreed that a timeout could work, so that was what I did after. My boyfriend pacified me a few days into our time out and we made up. But when I told S the good news, he was angry that I was on good terms with my boyfriend so quickly. S said that this whole thing was bullshit and that I totally wasted his time when I shared my problems with him. He asked me not to look for him anymore because I wasted his time. I was shocked and upset as I had never shared my personal problems with him before. After I clarified that with him and assured him that I won’t ever look for him again, he just did a 360-turn and said that I could still look for him if I wanted. The second incident happened when S told me we should meet up with a common friend, J, before J enlisted. I said okay. S said he would get back to me after he confirmed the meet-up with J. Time went by, S never got back, and I had forgotten about it. On the day we were supposed to meet, S asked about what the plans were for that day. I felt bad that I forgot and had already made plans, so I asked S to relay my apology to J. S wanted me to apologise to J myself instead, so I did. Turns out that S didn't even tell J about the meetup. So I was behaving like an idiot apologising to J about a meetup that wasn’t even going to happen. When I confronted S about it, he said, "I knew you won’t have time for him one what." He found it fun to see me acting like an idiot and laugh at me over it. It was almost like an elaborate prank he set up to make me embarrass myself because he enjoyed ‘the drama’ that came out of it. – Jess, 21

“She HAD To Be Part Of All My Social Circles”

I have been very close to X since we were 15. She was my go-to friend for anything from hanging out to sharing personal problems, and is generally a fun and loyal person. However, there were always things that stopped me from seeing her as my best friend. It started off mild with random anger outbursts or being triggered by littlest things during secondary school. But that part of her went away as we grew older. Then, I started noticing that she’d always work towards ‘doing better’ than me. She had even picked up a particular interest I had – one she used to say she didn’t understand, couldn’t appreciate, and “just not (her) thing”. It seemed like she did it just so she could have ‘the same skill’ I had, or that she just wanted to be a part of that particular interest group. Meanwhile, I knew she still didn’t really like that interest even after picking it up (she told me). She was very possessive and insecure. She had to know whoever I was friends with. And if I went out with our mutual friends without her, she’d get upset that we didn’t ask her along. She had to be part of all my social circles else she’d use her ‘best friend card’ and say that she’s left out. It wasn’t as if she didn’t have other friends either. She had plenty. Once, she got so jealous when a guy she had a crush on started texting me, she stopped talking to me. I did eventually stop texting that guy after ghosting him, but when I tried texting her, she never replied. Just like that, we ‘stopped being friends’ for awhile. It was upsetting that she didn’t trust me enough to know that I would never get close to any guys romantically if it was her love interest. When we started working together, she got jealous that I was closer to our other colleague than she was to him. She was upset that he texted me about non-work stuff but not her. Also, both the guy colleague and I were already attached, so we were merely chatting casually. She’d want to read my messages with him, I’d let her, and then she’d get even more jealous after. While I’d thank her for being a large part of my growing up and forming a piece of who I am today, I’m glad I had the guts to properly ‘end a friendship’ with someone this possessive, insecure, and incredibly volatile. – Barbara, 26

“I Lived In Constant Fear Of Being Hit And Burnt By Cigarette Butts”

He was my 2nd boyfriend and the one whom I gave my virginity to. The start was rainbow and butterflies but we started arguing a lot over stupid things 4 months in. Only then did I realise that this guy has a bad temper. He started abusing me verbally which soon became physical too. The first time he laid hands on me was when we were arguing and I retorted at him. He walked back and slapped me across my face. He became extremely possessive, controlling what I wore and who I hung out with. We’d even fight over me saying "hi" to a male classmate. He started hitting me more. He'd even push me against the wall and burn my hands with cigarette butts. Even then, I chose to stay with him. The peak of the abuse was when he met up with his ex just so they could call to mentally and emotionally torture me. While I had so many chances to walk away, I chose to stay. I would walk into class with slap marks on my face and eyes bloodshot from crying. People asked why I chose to stay but it really wasn’t easy when any hint of a break up would turn into a war zone between us. Threats to contact my parents and friends just told me to shut up and stick by him. It finally ended when I realised my grades were dropping drastically. I didn’t want my parents to find out about it and moreover, I didn’t want to live in constant fear that anything would result in a big slap or worse. Plus, I found out that he was also seeing another girl. Given that I gave so much to him, ending the relationship hit me hard. I started partying, drinking, and going home drunk. This ratchet life went on for 1.5 years before I told myself to snap out of it and get a grip of life because there’s so much more to it than feeling sorry for myself. This relationship really gave me trust issues. I became extremely guarded towards relationships and I could no longer love anyone 100%. Even till this day, I still have a visible scar from what he had done to me. Instead of crying over it, I take it as a reminder that life will throw you shitty things but what matters is how you deal with it. – Perlyn, 26

Tough Times Don’t Last, Tough People Do

No matter how toxic a relationship becomes, it can be very hard to walk away from people you were so close to. But when you do, you’ll walk away so much stronger and wiser a person. You’ll learn to love yourself more because only then can you <a href=" loving another person. Also read, 9 Moments In National Day History That Made Us Damn Proud To Be Singaporean.  
I can’t wait to grow up!” "Why can't I skip this whole part and just be an adult!" Oh no, there is no fast forward button in this thing we call life. I don’t know about you, but growing into adulthood was one hell of a journey for me. When you grow up, you grow out of who you used to be, and sometimes, you grow apart from the people you used to be close with. The girls in class you used to be #bffs with, that one special person you shared a special romance with. You went everywhere, did everything together. You guys were inseparable. Like a ‘buy 1 free 1’ package deal; like an egg to an otherwise kosong prata. They were forever to you--were. The hard truth is, sometimes, forever is but a spoken word.

Why You Need To Let It Go

When the truth hits you right in the face, it sucks. But do you let it bog you down, or do you just forget it and enjoy the ride? I once had a best friend who broke up with her partner because of how mentally abusive the relationship got. He moved on to the next girl fairly quickly, but she just couldn’t. As someone who cared a lot about her, it was heartbreaking to see her resorting to hanging around his house, hoping just to catch a glimpse of him. It was even more painful to see her putting herself down, comparing herself to his new girl. It definitely didn’t help that she denied being hung up on him – which brings me to my next point.

Be Honest With Yourself

Are YOU happy? If your answer is not a straight out, 100% yes, then you need to think about why this isn’t so. Maybe you really loved the person and you truly believe you won't find another like them. Maybe you feel like you lost a part of yourself that you can never find back. Maybe you envisioned a perfect future that included them and now that they're gone, you can't imagine any other kind of future. Maybe you feel like you just aren't good enough for anyone or anything. If you relate to any of this, or if you're going through these crappy emotions you wish you didn't have to go through, you are certainly not alone. Acknowledge your feelings and know that what you feel is okay. I've gone through these emotions myself, and so have many, many others. The sleepless nights, the tears you shed behind bathroom doors, the “Oh, I’m just tired” you say to people, pretending everything is okay, the fear you have of never finding someone else like them, the difficulty of trusting people again, the flashbacks you get whenever you see, hear, taste, or smell anything remotely associated with them. It’s painful, and it sucks.

Deal With It

So... What can you do about it? Here’s a blunt but handy flowchart which really helped me through my own tough times.
Image Credit: Raptitude

Granted, it doesn't give you any specific instructions on how to let go, but that's the thing: there isn't a clear-cut way to deal with your emotions. There isn’t a step-by-step cheat sheet to teach you how to let go and move on.

The only thing you can do is either A – decide to do something about it, or B – STFU and move on. Don’t complain. Don’t live your life in despair. Don’t live in denial. Don’t feel sorry for yourself. At the end of the day, what are you going to do for yourself?

Do Something For Yourself

Ironically enough, when I stopped giving a shit, when I stopped replaying in my head all the times I had to let go of the many treasured friendships and relationships I've had, life became a lot less shitty. I started doing things for myself. I went on shopping sprees. I ran. I made an effort to take up dance classes again. I caught up with old friends. I appreciated my family. I splurged to explore the world. Heck, I even resorted to Tinder to curb my loneliness. I decided to let go, to let loose. I decided to make my sunshine in the storm. I made a conscious effort to be happy, and it worked.

Perspective Changes Everything

Letting go of someone can be hard, but it is only as hard as you make it out to be. Dig deep and find yourself. Only then will you know how to let go and be happy. After all, no one knows you better than you. Nothing new is going to magically appear in the fridge if you don’t put something into it. Nothing will change if you’re not going to do anything about it. So get out there and do something--anything! Channel your emotions into things that will benefit you. Do some exercise, clean up your room, take up a new hobby, do that one thing you’ve always wanted to do but never got the chance to because of whatever reasons. It could be the most liberating, most empowering thing, and it could be the very thing you need. Let go of things that are not meant for you, because what is meant to be, will be.