Tag: health

It all started when I was at a university camp in year 2. I could hear voices in my head—voices that didn’t exist. Voices of family and friends criticising me behind my back even though I didn’t physically see or hear them. Then, paranoia would set in. At some points, I could even hear the lecturer speaking to me directly even though he was talking to the whole student body.

I Couldn’t Even Trust Myself Anymore

I had all these thoughts about my friends and family shaming me and being out to get me. But the logical side of me knew that they wouldn’t because we were very close. It’s as if there was a war going on in my head. Negative thoughts kept creeping in while I kept fighting to make sense of reality. It was distressing and I started to feel abnormal. It frightened me so much that I couldn’t even trust myself to differentiate between what’s real and what's not anymore.
I could hear two voices when there was only one person talking to me.
Despite all these, I continued with school and extra-curricular activities thinking it would eventually go away with enough rest, but that did not happen. Things got worse and at one point, I would even be hearing two voices when there was only one person talking to me. I eventually told my parents about it and we went to the nearest polyclinic for treatment.

Learning That I Was ‘Sick’

I was referred to the Institute of Mental Health (IMH), where I was assessed and eventually diagnosed with Psychosis, a mental illness where a person experiences hallucinations, paranoia, and delusions. Most people would associate IMH with ‘crazy people’ and shun the institution like it’s a disease. But I was relieved to be there and to find out that what I had been going through was real, that there was an explanation for it and I could get proper treatments for it.

Hitting Breaking Point

However, initial feelings of relief turned into fear. The fear of what people around me would think when they find out that I have a mental illness. The fear of going for treatments because if someone I know saw me, I wouldn’t know what to say. Most importantly, I feared that I wasn’t going to be able to recover. I could not even feel safe at home. I’d have nightmares and wake up with panic attacks. I was constantly on high alert, was very stressed and anxious all the time, and everything I did was a challenge. Even daily functions like bathing, brushing my teeth, and getting out of the house for lunch were a struggle. The breaking point came when I realised that I could not even trust myself about what I have heard and had to rely on others to verify the facts. It was so humiliating having to depend on others for something so basic. I started to binge-eat and suffered from insomnia. There were also periods where I felt completely numb and disassociated from everyone and everything. I felt like life was worthless and I became suicidal.
How was I supposed to keep up with everything when I was struggling so hard to even be alive?
Soon after, the doctor diagnosed me with depression. The fight against depression was long and difficult. It was especially tough when I had to go back to school. I hadn’t attended class for more than a month, my attendance was slipping, and I was often faulted for not contributing to group projects because I couldn’t turn up. How was I to keep up when I was struggling so hard to even be alive?

The Road To Recovery

My turning point came when my sister brought me to church. It was there that I found a community who loved and cared for me for who I am and not what I have. I was trained, taught, and given opportunities to rise up and do things I'd never thought I’d been able to do. These pushed me to progress in my recovery.
They were the reasons I held on a little longer each week.
My spirituality and relationship with God were what kept me going. I stopped feeling suicidal after having my own revelation that regardless of how tough life is, I’ll always cherish this life I have. My family played an important role as well, for supporting me in every decision I made and ensuring that I was taking the steps I needed to get me through every day. I was also in this mental health community called the Early Psychosis Intervention Programme (EPIP), where a caseworker will check on me frequently to ensure that I was doing fine. Being in Club EPIP allowed me to hone and strengthen my cognitive abilities which had deteriorated over time. It opened my eyes to the fact that I was not alone in battling my inner demons. The Peer Support Specialists there inspired me to believe that recovery is possible.

Getting A New Lease Of Life

It’s been 4 years since I was first diagnosed and I’m very grateful that today, I can say that I’ve recovered and no longer depend on any medications. Today, I have a purpose in life. I’m thankful and grateful for all the guidance I received from church and EPIP, and now that I’ve completed my degree and also graduated from the Peer Support Specialist course offered by the National Council of Social Service, I want to work in the mental health sector. Additionally, I’ve continued to serve in two ministries in my church (since my school days), and am volunteering at mental health organisations like Silver Ribbon and Institute of Mental Health.

Recovery Is A Journey, Not A Destination

This experience has changed my family and my mindset of mental illnesses. And it was through the trials that we grew closer as a family. My journey to recovery also taught us the importance of communication and ensuring that everyone in the family was doing okay in their lives. This journey has also taught me to love myself more, to take care of myself first before I can help others. It has taught me patience and trust especially in times of unknown and of distress. More than ever, I value health as an important part of my life today, and I take concerted steps to sustain my recovery. Recovery is a journey and not a destination. The process of recovery is far more valuable than the destination.

Spread Awareness Of Mental Health

Never judge a book by its cover. People suffering from mental illness don’t look any different from someone who does not. Do your part to spread love and kindness to everyone because a suicidal person could be smiling on the outside, but is actually waiting for someone to stop them from dying.
Don't think that you aren't able to help someone suffering from a mental illness.
Don’t compare mental illnesses because every symptom experienced by someone with a mental illness is very real. And if you think that you are not able to help someone with psychosis, depression, or any mental illness, know that this isn’t true. Your very presence in times of difficulty and distress means a lot to the person. A genuine “how are you feeling?” and listening to them sharing their deepest thoughts is perhaps all they need. Why should we treat mental illness as a taboo when mental illness is as important as our physical health? With World Mental Health Day round the corner, join us at the Voice Out concert at Singapore Botanic Gardens on Saturday, 7 October, to learn about mental illness and spread love. Also read, My Sexuality, My Right: “A Stranger Wanted Me To Apologise For My ‘Lesbian Appearance'”.
Study hard. Get a good job (whatever that means). Work hard to make money. So you can work harder to make more money. Buy expensive shit so you can impress people at work. Retire when you’re too old to physically go to work or enjoy the money you’ve made. Die. Ah, the Singaporean dream. Isn’t it a doozy?

You snooze you lose

An <a href=" recently published by The Straits Times revealed that, according to a study by SingHealth Polyclinics, more than 40% of Singaporeans are not clocking enough sleep on weekdays. I’m sorry, is anyone actually surprised by these findings? No shit, Sherlock. It’s hard to get enough sleep when so many of us are raging workaholics. We spend over 9 hours at work, not including overtime, spend an hour squeezing through train stations, then try to stretch our leisure time at home in a futile attempt at maintaining our sanity before finally collapsing into bed, only to slam the alarm clock the next morning and repeat the whole process again. Not too far off the mark, am I? You’re not the only one. “I’m not a workaholic! I like to take a break now and then.” Bullshit. You can be an alcoholic without drinking 24/7. We are constantly conditioned by corporations to work hard and play hard, to make more money and spend more money. We have been inducted by advertising into the belief that the more we consume, the happier we’ll be, so we sacrifice everything at the altar of greed and ‘career’. Our sleep, our health, our relationships, our ideals. We convince ourselves that we need to work and work and work some more to reach that fleeting feeling of satisfaction when we fill our lives momentarily with the next smartphone or pre-scheduled holiday or expensive bag. Our neoliberal greed-is-good economy has driven our society collectively insane, to the point where, as a certain famous movie character once said, “We buy shit we don’t need, with money we don’t have, to impress people we don’t know.” We believe that economic growth is a necessity, that hyper-consumerism is the path to progress. We think that the only way to fulfil any sort of purpose in life is to work, buy stuff, and work some more. What if we’re wrong? What if the Singaporean Dream is bullshit? Maybe we should all just take a step back, and chill the f*ck out.

Embrace Boredom

“My father used to say that only boring people get bored. I used to think it’s only boring people who don’t feel boredom, so cannot conceive of it in others.” Aside from money, much of our motivation to pursue a life of relentless workaholism comes from our aversion to being bored. I’ve heard people say that if they stay at home and don’t work, they’d go crazy from the boredom, as if just being alive is such a chore that they need constant work to distract from the emptiness of existence. I’d submit that maybe the way to combat our rampant overworking and sleep deprivation is to simply open our minds to the idea of being bored. Boredom, ironically, is the mark of an interesting person, because he/she has the presence of mind and depth of thought to constantly seek more stimulating things. A boring person is never bored, because he/she absorbs himself in work and play, obsessing over unimportant things, never seeking anything new. Companies love boring people. They work intently all day, never allowing distractions from anything or anyone. They work longer hours than is required of them, and even continue working at home. They are so afraid of having nothing to do that they cling obsessively to their jobs like a sort of lifeboat saving them from the ocean of purposelessness. But when your job becomes your life, you leave little space for anything else, including your health. How can you go to sleep when you constantly think and talk about work and co-workers and KPIs, even when out of work? You try to distract yourself with video games and shows and social media, but all these only engage your mind further and drive your melatonin levels lower and lower, keeping you awake until you fall asleep out of sheer exhaustion, and wake up 4 hours later to your phone alarm blaring on repeat. Then you go to work with a hot cup of drugs a.k.a. caffeine in your hand and complain about how you didn’t get enough sleep and you’re sooo tired. Of course, some people genuinely have sleep disorders that prevent them from getting enough sleep, but not every sleepless workaholic is also a diagnosed insomniac. Many of us are just terrible at controlling our obsession with work and taking care of ourselves.

Work-life balance

We hear the term “work-life balance” thrown around a lot, but how many of us actually do enough to achieve it? According to Singhealth Polyclinics, less than 60% of us. If you’re one of the 40%, stressed, overworked, and sleep-deprived as all hell, perhaps try easing your grip a little. Start to understand that we may have more control over the stresses in our lives than we think, and just learn to switch off. Ignore work messages on your off days. Leave the office on time and go home early for dinner with your loved ones. Have unfinished work? Leave it for tomorrow. Deadlines can be postponed; assignments can wait; taking care of your health cannot. You can get a second job. You can’t get a second life.