Do you remember the first time you masturbated? Did you feel guilty for the way it made you feel? If you did, you're not alone. Masturbation is a part of human nature. Despite having studies prove that masturbating is good for relieving stress and boosting our mood, it's still one of those things that many do, but few talk about. The first time we masturbate is an euphoric experience, where we experience a wave of immense pleasure we never knew possible. But it also leaves us confused and embarrassed. And that makes for interesting stories to tell.

1. IT WAS AN ACCIDENT

I only masturbated when I was 18 because I always thought it was a “dirty” deed from the way my friends used to tease each other about it. But one night, I was lying on my bed and hugging my bolster while watching a movie clip that turned me on. That’s when I impulsively began rubbing my legs against my penis (with my clothes on). I remember it feeling damn good. I kept rubbing until... yeah, it came out. Did I accidentally masturbate? Maybe. - Riduan, 21

2. BOYFRIEND WANTED TO WATCH

The first time I masturbated wasn't by choice. I was 18 and I only did it because my boyfriend wanted to watch me touch myself. It felt like my body wasn’t even mine. I haven’t done it since we broke up. - Jas, 21

3. LATE-NIGHT GAMING

I was a 15-year-old who was really into this massively multiplayer online role-playing game (MMORPG). One night I decided to strip one of the female characters naked (well, almost naked because I couldn’t remove their underwear). I don’t know what made me think that I should rub myself, but I did. But after the wave of pleasure passed, I quickly put my clothes back on because I felt dirty. - Wei Jie, 25

4. OUT OF BOREDOM

I was 18 or 19 and wanted to try it out for myself, having heard how great it feels. I went online and googled tips on masturbating. During school break, I was home alone and decided to try it out. It was horrible and uncomfortable. I didn't use porn or anything. I thought you didn't have to be horny to masturbate, I thought it was just something you could do when you were bored. - Aisyah, 25

5. THE ABSENCE OF A GIRLFRIEND

I was 15 when I first started masturbating. It was after I stopped dating this girl who was quite experienced and gave me handjobs on different occasions. I wanted to replicate what she did to feel the same pleasure again. But I was constantly worried what would happen if people knew I masturbated. I guess I felt guilty about it in a way, especially when I fantasised of other female bodies when I was attached. - Sean, 25

6. SINNERS GO TO HELL

I was 13 years old and my friends were talking about some website in class, so we went to one dude's house to check it out after school. We realised it was porn, and us being guys, we just kept on scrolling. Then one of my friends asked us if we had jerked off before. Most of us didn’t know what that meant, so he explained it to us. That night I went home to the same website and tried jerking off. I felt a mix of emotions after, but being Christian, I remember thinking I’d committed a sin and I’m going to hell. - Jason, 26

7. AT THE AGE OF 4

I was 4 years old, and I didn't know what it was or what I was doing, I just knew that if I pressed my genitals onto something, it will feel good. There was once when my mum caught me in the act and interrogated me, asking me who I learnt that from. That made me think that I did something wrong, because why else would I get chided for it? - Sophia, 19

8. WERKING THE POLE

I started watching porn when I was 12 years old. I realised I liked watching girls on a pole. That made me want to try posing with a pole too. So one day, I hopped on one of the vertical pillars of my bed with my legs crossed on them and my vagina touching the pillar. I felt immense pleasure as I rubbed myself against the pillar and my panties started getting wet. But then I realised my fingers were better at doing the job. - Shirin, 25

9. I THOUGHT I WAS ABNORMAL

When I first masturbated at the age of 17, it was because I was curious, and wanted to know what feeling 'sexually satisfied' felt like. I'd only heard of guys doing it and that made me think that I was 'abnormal' because I, a female, also had sexual urges. And even though I enjoyed it, I also felt guilty. I felt like I was doing something 'wrong'. My parents never talked to me about it, so I automatically assumed that it was something clandestine. - Cheryl, 27

10. A STOOL AND A TOILET ROLL

I was 11 and simply curious and interested. So I tried to f**k the hole in the stool. Didn’t work. Tried to use a toilet roll, didn’t really work too. Tried my hand, finally worked. But after that it felt weird and I thought that I needed to pee. Oh, and I also felt dirty. - Daniel, 24

WHY THE GUILT?

A lot of these stories have one thing in common - the feeling of guilt. Many of these stories end with the individual feeling dirty or ashamed. For some of us, our religion tells us that it's a sin. For others, the fear of our parents finding out fills us with shame. Perhaps it's because of the fact that it happens in private, we feel that it's something that should be hidden. And because no one talks about it, there's no one to tell us if it's right or wrong. Maybe it's too hopeful to think that we can start talking about masturbation openly, but we could begin with asking ourselves why we feel guilty, and if that guilt even makes sense to us. If there's nothing about masturbation that rubs us the wrong way, isn't it better if we could find a way to work through the guilt and enjoy this 'pastime'? Also read: Is There A Need For Better Sex Education That's More Than STDs And Abstinence?

According to Wikipedia, millennials are vaguely defined as those born between 1980 to the early 2000’s. Our generation is mostly marked by technology savviness and a lifestyle built around various social media platforms. Our generation is also characterised as a little lost and confused. I don’t deny it. Most of us rarely have any concrete plans for our future. We’re constantly hovering between trying to make ends meet and living it up without really getting to where we want. To the the baby boomers or the generation before them, we are the strawberry babies who are entitled, inconsiderate, too liberal and constantly glued to our phones. However, if you stop to think about it, the frustration and hate directed at this generation stems from a fear of change. The Singaporean millennials represent yet another impending wave of transformation. We are a visual icon of the discomfort that comes with change. Our parents and grandparents have experienced the transformation of our little red dot in a short span of 50 years. They can appreciate our city skyline better; but they are also constantly living in reverie. Their kampongs, homes, shop houses and food have either changed beyond recognition or have simply disappeared. Already Singapore has evolved beyond recognition, it is only natural for our predecessors to feel uncertain about another bout of change. We talk about the millennials having social media as the ultimate tool but we never learnt about it in schools. Computers and codes are the core of our generation, yet writing and counting is the main focus in our curriculum. When millennials push for an overhaul on our school system, Singapore worries about compromising the quality of education. However, millennials have suffered from the disparity in our syllabus and the working world. Changing the curriculum to accommodate relevant topics like basic financial literacy, presentation skills and computer knowledge (beyond the basic use of Microsoft excel) is not a compromise; it’s an improvement from whatever we have now. On top of the education system, millennials have been increasingly involved with matters of the state. Many of our parents and grandparents found comfort in PAP’s leadership. They had blind faith in the government because they trusted Lee Kuan Yew. Many believe that since it has worked so far, why fix something that isn’t broken? With Lee Kuan Yew gone, millennials don’t have the luxury of being passive. The new generation of ministers are a blind bet but we know that new leadership is also an opportunity to address our concerns. Our future in Singapore is at stake and we’re not afraid to talk about it. With the power of social media which grants us an unfiltered voice to challenge the status quo. Our dissatisfaction and suggestions are no longer confined to wet market gossip or meet the people sessions. Equipped with an ability to transform our grievances into Facebook statuses, we don’t need a middle man to talk to our government. Social media is characteristically millennial, but let’s not forget the societal changes we go through. Growing up alongside the pink dot movement, most of us have friends or acquaintances with a different sexual preference. This is the era where homosexuals have a voice. It is also during our time that a safe zone for victims of sexual assault was established. Now they can seek help and support on various platforms regardless of what they were wearing. While we pursue gay rights and campaign for mental health awareness, we come across too liberal and unconcerned with what’s ‘right’. We are accused of having a faulty moral compass. On the contrary, millennials have strong sense right and wrong, but we abide by our own system of values. It is no longer okay to laugh at a limp wrist boy or a girl with a buzz cut. You shouldn’t tell someone who is depressed, “that they just need some rest.” Gone are the days where it’s acceptable to scold a sexual assault victim for dressing promiscuously. Societal norms have evolved just as we’ve aged. Kindness and good deeds were the ultimate point of enlightenment when we were kids, but inclusivity and acceptance form the new moral high ground. Of course it’s a struggle for our elders to accept this new mind set.

In The Years To Come

Our fight for an evolved Singapore will continue to warrant dirty looks from the generations before, but I’m confident in what we’re doing. I can only hope it amounts to something – just as how the baby boomers gave us a clean and modern country to live in. As the butt of everyone’s critics and jokes, we must not subject generation Z to the same fate. Let's stop the generational hatred. No more mocking our juniors for having less of a childhood because of their tablets. We must not fear the change that comes with the upcoming generation of youths. We must be willing to lend them the support when it’s their turn to lead the nation. I am a proud millennial. Are you? Also read, The Silence Of Oppression – Why The Right To Protest Is Essential In Singapore

Growing up, you hear many things about what your 20s will be like. However, nothing anyone says can really prepare you for the real thing. This is the time in our lives when the hopes we’ve always had for the future get yanked out from the backs of our minds and are displayed right before our faces. When dreams are not dreams anymore, but decisions; reality. There’s no more time to say, “I’ll see how it goes,” or, “I’ll decide when the time comes.” The time has come, and the crossroads of your life are no longer in the future, they’re right before you. This is the age that fears we’ve never even conceived of having to deal with become very, very real. Will I spend the rest of my life alone? Will I marry someone who’s not right for me? Will I end up selling my soul for a job I hate? Will my life amount to nothing? Will the path I embark on now lead me to nowhere? And to think that you used to be afraid of getting rejected by your crush or of being unpopular in school. How silly you were. How you wish you could go back to simpler times and trade in your existential dread for your childhood fear of the monster under your bed. When we’re young, we can’t wait to grow up and be independent. But now that we’re here, we want nothing more than to go back. Because you don’t know what you have, till it’s gone and lost forever to the past. They say 25 is the age your body goes downhill. Well, they were right. Your step gets sluggish. Training for IPPT becomes so much more of a slog. Your sex drive takes a nose dive. When you used to climb mountains and surf waves and party all night, now all you want to do is curl up in bed with a bowl of chips and Netflix on your laptop. Your body begins to ache in ways you’ve never known it could, and while you used to feel immortal, you now begin to genuinely worry for your health and you see how that worry will control the rest of your life with endless check-ups and doctor’s appointments. They said to enjoy your life as a student, because working life will suck ass. And again, they were right. You worry if you’ve become one of the "boring old people” you’ve always criticized, and you freak out at the prospect of becoming too much like your parents, a future that teenage you swore to steer clear of at all costs. You wonder if the times you had partying and living it up as a student in college will be the most fun you will ever have had in your life. You fear that you’ll never enjoy your life any more than you did then. But it’s not all bad. You begin to learn that life is not simply a pursuit of fun and pleasure, but a journey laden with responsibility and a far deeper meaning than getting laid at the club. You stop looking for superficial connections, and start hoping for something real. Because while the fun years of your life might be over, the truly happy ones might just be beginning. You start to consider the legacy you'll be leaving, the mark you'll have on this world that will endure after you're gone. You hope to make an impact in a way and to a degree that teenage you could never realistically aspire to. To make the world a better place; spearhead research and development of new advancements; positively influence public opinion; help those desperately in need. And perhaps most importantly, you can begin to repay your parents for everything they've done for you. You might even begin to entertain the notion of taking on life’s ultimate challenge – having children. You realize that while as a kid you thought your parents knew everything, parents are just kids having kids. The prospect of shaping the life of another the way your parents shaped yours scares you shitless, but also fills you with hope and excitement. We all long to do something meaningful and great with our lives. Maybe this is it. 20-somethings hope for and fear a great many things, because such is the nature of life. It’s exciting and terrifying at the same time, but every journey worth travelling is.