Category: On Being Singaporean

Since 21 January 2017, in response to Donald Trump’s inauguration as President of the United States, a series of political rallies known as Women’s Marches occurred around the world to promote women’s rights. The movement began in Washington, D.C. and spread to 673 marches in 34 countries worldwide, including Asian countries Japan, South Korea, and India, with global attendance numbering in the millions. Singapore, however, is not on that list of countries. Of course, one could be content with the explanation that the Trump issue is too far removed from our shores for us to care enough. However, as one of Asia’s most developed nations alongside Japan and South Korea, and one with a large American expatriate and student population, Singapore’s absence from such a major global movement should surely raise the glaring issue of free expression and the right to dissent in Singapore. As many of you should know, protesting is illegal in Singapore outside of licensed protests in Hong Lim Park’s Speakers’ Corner. If that sentence made you frown in confusion or laugh out loud, you’re probably not Singaporean. “Protesting is illegal”, “licensed protests”, “Speakers’ Corner” – it all sounds like a bad comedy – one that Singaporeans have grown numb to. Around the world, Singapore is known as an Orwellian dystopia of silent obedience, where almost all dissent is effectively repressed by the law, draconian punishments are meted out in disproportionate spades, and everyone is so used to the oppression that the country actually operates rather peacefully; it’s almost like a North Korea done right. Ask any citizen of almost any other “first-world” nation if protesting is legal in their country, and the answer will almost invariably be, “Of course, why wouldn’t it be?” The right to dissent is seen elsewhere as a basic human right. Not here, though. Some would argue that the restricting of protests is necessary for socioeconomic stability in a country, but as all the developed nations of the world that afford their citizens the freedom to protest highlight, that is all a crock of shit. Stability and freedom of expression are not mutually exclusive. One needs simply to be equipped with the maturity and open mind required to handle discourse and dissenting opinion. In any discussion about protests in Singapore, many would point to the race riots of 1964 and 1969, Hock Lee bus riots of 1955, and Chinese middle school riots of 1956, and go, “See? That’s what happens when people protest.” This argument, however, fails to consider that these events happened over 50 years ago. A lot can change in 50 years; our society is now more educated than ever, and well-informed of events around the world. To assume that we would simply devolve into the same horrible behaviour of our forefathers given the opportunity would be incredibly pessimistic and insulting to the intelligence of modern Singaporeans as a whole. We are not rabid animals waiting to tear each other apart at the slightest provocation. Give us a chance to voice our grievances and concerns freely, and you might find a populace living with a far more robust sense of genuine belonging and purpose. How could we possibly develop a personal stake in a place whose government operates so far above the silent voices of the people, knowing that nothing we ever do or say will make any difference? To be fair, though, things are showing signs of getting better. In 2008, the government ruled that events held at the Speakers’ Corner would no longer require police permits, or be banned from using audio amplification devices, although organizers still had to register with the government-controlled National Parks Board. Peaceful demonstrations such as Pink Dot continue to be held there annually, attracting more attendees with each passing year. It is still comically ridiculous that protests must be restricted to one small area, but it admittedly is better than nothing. Do I wish to see a protest happening every other day in Singapore? Of course not. I like peace and quiet. I do, however, want to know that anyone with a grievance and a desire to make his/her voice heard in a public capacity has the right to do so without fear of being thrown in prison and caned on the backside. Because any country that forces its residents to internalize all their problems instead of freely expressing themselves in a peaceful way is forcing peace and stability upon its people rather than earning it. <a href=" Image Credit
I am Singaporean. I was born in Singapore to parents who are of Chinese descent. I also used to have a strong American accent. Now, let’s get all the usual questions out of the way. Was I faking it? No. Do I have an “ang moh” girlfriend or boyfriend? No. Am I “mixed”? Not that I know of. Did I study in America? Yes, for a semester. How did I pick up the accent so fast? Why and how did I lose it? Funny you should ask.

Adding To A Blank Slate

As many Singaporeans with accents should know, picking up a new accent as a Singaporean is actually incredibly easy. Why? Because the ‘Singapore accent’ is pretty much a blank slate. Everyone says that their own country’s accent is no accent at all, because that’s the one they’re most familiar with. In the case of Singapore, however, that might be especially true. The Singapore accent is defined almost entirely by a lack of what typically constitutes an accent. Intonation, emphasis – all of these are almost completely missing in the Singapore accent, which employs constant and unchanging monotone, loudness, and tempo. So lacking in tonal character is our accent, in fact, that we have to invent and add non-English words a.k.a. Singlish to our speech in order to convey any sense of emotion or nuance. With its minimalistic nature, the Singapore accent thus becomes surprisingly easy to overwrite when exposed sufficiently to another accent. You just have to talk to people.

Facing Judgement

There will always be a large portion of dyed-in-the-wool Singaporeans who believe that any Singaporean who speaks in a foreign accent is either “faking it” or just “not a true Singaporean”. Chances are, these people have either never lived overseas in other English-speaking countries, or lived overseas but refused to socialize actively with the locals. After returning to Singapore with an American accent that I couldn’t hide, I faced no small amount of judgement from this group of people. They just couldn’t fathom how a Singaporean could genuinely speak with an accent. They gave me funny looks, and snarky questions and comments like, “Why are you talking like that?”, “You’re faking right?”, “It feels so weird talking to you now,” or, “Your accent sounds confused.” Because apparently, the manner in which words came out of my mouth had to match up perfectly with my skin colour and nationality. Eventually, the stress and discomfort of being judged whenever I spoke and sounding different from everyone got to me, and I slowly lost my American accent. It took about a year before my accent was virtually undetectable, a much longer time than what it took for me to gain it, and sometimes I wonder if I should have stood up to the judgement and done more to maintain that part of me. Or perhaps it was just a matter of exposure, and there was nothing I could do. When a white person speaks with an accent in Singapore, no one bats an eye. But when an Asian speaks with an accent, tongues start wagging and eyebrows furrow with confusion. “Is he Singaporean?” “Is he ABC?” “Is he faking? I can’t tell.” How about you mind your own business, you racist little tw*t? Maybe, it's the strong sense of nationalism that our government has hammered into us from childhood, or maybe it's the irrationally strong connection we subscribe to between race and language, perpetrated by the 'mother tongue' syllabus. In any case, a modern, metropolitan Singapore would certainly be better off understanding that different people talk differently, and that's okay. Top Image Credit
On January 11, an uproar occurred over remarks by the DJs of radio station Kiss 92 FM when they joked that Chinese people get less sleep compared to Malays and Indians because they have <a href=" send their kids to school and leave early for work" while Malays and Indians <a href=" less and go out and party". To me, that sounded like Malays and Indians lead a much better life compared to us Chinese but jokes aside, this insinuates that the minority races are lazy and unwilling to work, and naturally, it drew a chorus of outrage from Malays and Indians alike on social media. Of course, a quick scroll through the comments revealed that some still thought the outrage was ridiculous and all part of the stupid PC culture propagated by Western lib-tards, and that the minority in Singapore has been spoilt.

Not the first time, not the last

Such an incident is reflective of the underlying social framework which privileges Chinese culture over all other races in Singapore. This isn't the first time it's happened and it certainly won't be the last. There was the blackface controversy on Toggle last year, along with the tasteless video by theSmartLocal where they tried Indian food as if it were the food of an uncontacted tribe. Let's not forget one of the most egregious incidents by the <a href=" themselves 2 years ago, when the playing of music got banned at Thaipusam festivals, complete with the flimsy reasoning that lions dances are allowed because they are "often held during social, community events" and are "non-religious", while "the risk of incidents is considered to be higher" for Thaipusam. It speaks volumes that the Chinese lion dance has achieved the vaunted secular status of "non-religious" while the Thaipusam foot procession is deemed to carry significant risk, and must therefore be devoid of music. Shanmugam even adds that "<a href=" Hindus are actually in a privileged position. There are many other religious groups which have asked to be allowed to hold foot processions. These appeals have generally been rejected." Come on man, we tolerate the long Buddhist and Taoist chantings of Chinese funerals and the raucous drummings of Malay-Muslim weddings at our void decks. I don't see why we can't do the same for Thaipusam. Unless those two things are also somehow "non-religious", which is just ridiculous.

Roots of Chinese Privilege

Several articles have been written on the topic of Chinese privilege, including those by Cher Tan on VICE news, Hydar Saharudin on <a href=" Mandala  and <a href=" Thanapal's interview with Adeline Koh on b2o - the place where the term 'Chinese Privilege' was first coined. All three are unanimous in stating that the PAP played a large part in this entrenchment of Chinese culture as superior. After all, Lee Kuan Yew's definition of Asian values was essentially Confucian values. On top of that, there is LKY's statement that: "Anybody who decides to take me on needs to put on knuckle-dusters. If you think you can hurt me more than I can hurt you, try. There is no way you can govern a Chinese society." Most of us probably remember this sentence as emblematic of his confrontational approach in dealing with his political opponents but what is also worth noting here is his use of 'Chinese society'. Much of Singapore's national consciousness is conceptualized as a primarily Chinese consciousness, with a smattering and sprinkling of Indian and Malay-Muslim bits here and there. We have our Special Assistance Plan (SAP) schools with their sprawling social networks and predominant emphasis on Chinese culture, which usually also happens to be where many of our ministers also come from. There is the 'Speak Mandarin Campaign' because China will supposedly overtake the US any minute now. I doubt there will ever be a 'Speak Malay' or 'Speak Tamil' campaign, on the grounds that there is little economic use for such languages given our state's pragmatism-driven mentality. This limits the space for such languages to the public space at arts festivals and the domestic sphere. Further back in time, there was also the liberalisation of immigration policies for people of East Asian origin <a href=" Chinese birth rates fell below those of Indian and Malay in 1989, which happened in order to maintain Singapore's racial balance. There was also the disturbing <a href=" incentive of $10,000 for women without O levels below 30 years of age who already had 1 or 2 children. This doubly impacted our racial minorities as education levels have always been the highest among the Chinese, thanks to the SAP schools. And finally, who can forget the criticisms and stereotypes leveled at Malays that plagued the 90s and 00s: Malay students did not do as well because their cultures lent themselves to laziness, hence the need for Singapore to adopt a primarily Chinese work ethic. All in all, far from being the multi-religious CMIO, in Singapore, it has always been Cmio - with a Capital C. The next question then, is how do we make the Chinese majority aware of this? I personally think it will be extremely challenging, in no small part because the majority is always disinclined to listen to the minority... Because we can afford to.

Coming to understand my privilege

I will admit, I was completely clueless to any of these concepts or of my privilege until I spent 6 months in the US in the first half of 2015. No, it did not stem from the feeling of being a minority in the West - when you spend 6 months in a country on exchange, it's still a very long holiday and you are still primarily a student-tourist. Neither did it come from spending my secondary school years in a typical neighbourhood school, where I was constantly in contact with students from minority groups. Instead, I only became aware of it when I took a class on African-American authors. It was kind of a Social Studies class on African-American history and society, since the days of slavery. Much was made about the constant belittling of black culture by various white politicians, the structural faults of the political system that discriminated against them and even the internalization of their own stereotypes which gave rise to the perception within their own  black community that a hardworking black person was essentially a white person with black skin. Since most of the students in that class were black, class discussions were often lively and vivid with examples of annoying and exhausting micro-aggressions they faced on a regular basis. One of them shared, "In high school, once slavery and segregation is brought up, everyone turns to look at me." And then, LKY passed away and there was much mourning back in Singapore, along with the publishing of his many statements. As I looked through the things he said, a sense of unease grew within me as I realised many of the statements he had made as the basis of his policies bore striking resemblance to what many of my African-American classmates were calling out their politicians for. One example is the aforementioned 'Chinese society' statement. And then there was this: “We could not have held the society together if we had not made adjustments to the system that gives the Malays, although they are not as hardworking and capable as the other races, a fair share of the cake”. And this: "<a href=" neighbors both have problems with their Chinese. They are successful. They are hard working and, therefore, they are systematically marginalized." In fairness to the first statement, LKY apologized about this afterwards, but since the lazy Malay stereotype had gone out, the damage was done. With regards to the second statement, my first thought was the model minority stereotype of Asians propagated in the US. In a sense, this sentence effectively buys into that rhetoric. In SE Asia however, this sentence had the dual effect of elevating the superiority of Chinese culture while putting down other regional cultures. Taken in conjunction with the first statement, there is little wonder Chinese culture has been touted the cornerstone of our state's success. The problem is that being part of the Chinese majority in Singapore makes us blind to these problems because these are problems that only affect the people lying on the edges of our national consciousness. That, however, doesn't make it less real to those who suffer them, and if anything, it is an issue that has the potential to unravel our "multi-racial", "multi-religious" country if not adequately addressed. The way I see it, there are only two ways out of this: either through education at the school level or through larger minority representation in our arts and culture scene. Thankfully, within our arts scene, there are already prominent voices who do a fantastic job of bringing out the voices of their respective groups such as Alfian Sa'at for Malays and Pooja Nansi and Marc Nair for Indians, to name a few. Also few things on Facebook are as entertaining as watching them, especially in the case of Alfian Sa'at, eviscerating some of the stupider moments of racism in Singapore and calling out problematic statements by our ministers. With regards to education, the problem is much more critical. A change to the syllabus is needed, along with a redefinition of the whole point of that totally-not-a-means-of-social-engineering Character and Citizenship Education. An hour spent illustrating why Chinese, Malay and Indian kids have different headstarts in life is infinitely more useful in raising awareness and stamping out long-running stereotypes than that useless 好公民 textbook that only tells us to do our homework, greet our teacher and obey our parents. <a href=" Image Credit
It’s throwback time! Let’s wind the clock back, all the way to our primary school years. Remember how you’d observe the P6s - how tall and old and worldly they seemed. Or even peering at our seniors as a lowly Sec 1 kid, having just lost your place as top dog in the school. Now that you think about it, they were a mere three years older but it still seemed ages away. Growing up, we’d plot our futures - financially independent with a house… married with your first kid… I for one, definitely wanted a dog. We’d have it all together. And we’d do it by the distant, arbitrary age of... let's say 27. Now, fast forward to present day. Whether you’ve just hit the big 2-1 or are edging toward the dreaded realm of the mid-twenties, suddenly 27 doesn’t seem so far away.  And suddenly, you realise you’re not going to wake up one day and be an adult. Things aren’t going to magically fall into place. In fact, you have no idea what you’re doing.

Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

It’s an interview question staple. And if it’s not 5 years, it’s 10. Having grand vision for ourselves indicates ambition, drive, a sense of self and what we want out of life. It’s been drummed into us that we need to know where we’re headed and a timeline to our eventual success. We need a master plan - or so society claims. There are benchmarks we need to meet - the steady relationship (let’s not even discuss the impending CNY doom a.k.a interrogation about our love lives), the dream job, a flourishing family. And if you haven’t checked these boxes, well… you done f#*ked up, haven’t you? The pressure to be perfect is intense - it’s okay if you crack a little. This isn’t even factoring in our obsessively curated social media feeds, just another method in which we stack ourselves up against the flawless and highly photogenic lives of family and friends. While we’re so busy trying to plan our lives down to the minute details, we forget that sometimes there are elements of life that are simply beyond our control. As the (instagram sourced) saying goes - life happens; coffee helps.

Failing forward

We’re all scared of failure, and rightly so. No one wants to go after something only to fall short. But when we equate something not going right as outright failure, we’re telling ourselves it’s all essentially wasted time. We believe that settling into a particular university course will dictate our career for the next 40 years - never mind that we had to pick our degrees fresh out of JC knowing very little of ourselves and the world. God forbid we swap majors or deviate from the career path it sets out for us. Or if a long term relationship ends, the fact that it didn’t end in marriage makes it a failure as well. In doing so, we end up negating all the things we’ve learned along the way. Through trying a bunch of things and changing your mind every now and again, you’re not wasting time, you’re getting to know yourself a little better. Life is a series of trial and error, and what you’re doing is learning.

People change

So now that we’ve established that feeling a little lost does NOT make you a failure, here’s something else to chew on. If you’re wondering what the heck you’re doing with your life, perhaps it means you’re in a sort of limbo. Maybe you’re in the process of realising what you once wanted for yourself no longer holds true now. Give yourself permission to be fluid and flexible. People change, circumstances change and so will your ambitions. Here’s why not knowing is a good thing - you channel it into fuel and let it feed your drive. Because no one ever really has it all figured out, and operating under the illusion that you do and you have your path laid out before you kills that hunger.

What do you want?

Screw knowing what you’re going to do with your life - it’s time to tweak this existential spiral of question. Think about what you’re doing today instead. It’s great to have a clear plan and an end goal in mind but if you don’t, well that’s just fine too. And the best bet to give yourself one is taking baby steps. Ask yourself “what do I want” - not some grand, hazy notion to come to pass in 30 years time, but in everyday things. What interests you? Who are the important people in your life? What do you like about yourself? What are things you might want to change? A little bit of introspection never hurt anyone. Explore how your values govern how you make decisions. The core truths will emerge, the ones that will carry you through career changes, relationship upsets and low key existential crises. So f#*k not knowing what the f#*k you’re doing with your life, because life will always be plagued with some element of uncertainty. Work on yourself instead, because security in who you are is one of the best navigational tools in your arsenal. Top Image Credit
Yesterday, Reddit user Atlas13666 posed this question to the Singaporeans of Reddit: What do you think of Singapore’s youth? In his original post, as a 19 year old and a youth himself, he shares his opinion of today’s youth as “kinda ignorant and narcissistic”. He goes on to say that most of his friends are more concerned with how many Instagram followers they have than on what they want to do in the future. This question invited a flurry of responses, and surprisingly, a large majority of them echoed the same sentiment: Give the kids a damn break. Some attributed their worry-free lifestyles to the fact that they grow up in much more fortunate circumstances.
At 19, our parents or grandparents were working because they had no choice. If this generation of young people have the luxury of caring only about their Instagram followers at 19, why not let them? They'll have time enough to care about adult things (house, car, finances) later on. Almost everyone is forced to grow up sooner or later. I don't mean that it's good that they only care about superficial things, but in the end, their loss. If you know what you want now, all the better for you. You'll have a headstart. - halfbakery
In the end, we all becomes adults when life demands it, and isn’t that all that matters? Why cut short your youth and rush into it?
Caring more about other things than the future is the privilege of a youth. They'll eventually learn otherwise. Haha for me as long as they don't commit crime or do stupid stuff can already - TheHungryTTK
Some were quick to associate people who are Instagram-obsessed with a lack of smarts
Anecdotally speaking, poly has a lot of those Instagram/clothes/popularity obsessed simple minded kids. Maybe about 70%. Never been to JC to see what that's like, though. - NervousDuckling
Some pointed out that generations have and always will be in conflict
People have bitched about the younger generation since time immemorial. - kronograf
Some pointed out that youth will be youth—today, 10 years ago and 10 years down the road—and they will always fixate on inconsequential matters
Ehh....its always been like that no? Today it's instagram, yesterday it was facebook, day before was friendster, day before was myspace. Wanna go further back? Week before it was who's best at chapteh, week before that was who's has the nicest marbles, week before that was who could get a perm. Youth = youth. We'll always be fixated on inconsequential things, because that's how we figure ourselves out. - lauises Reddiporeans in your 30s and above: seriously do you not remember what you were like when you were young? I do. I was a self-absorbed little shit who cared nothing more than what was hot at the time, what made me look the coolest, and what was the best thing to pretend to be passionate about so that I could impress girls. I used to write journals for years, and whenever I go back to reading them, I face-palm so hard my eyeballs pop out through the other side. When I'm not dying of cringe, I find my writing a fascinating look into the (complete lack of) depth of my knowledge and understanding of the world around me. The only problem with kids these days is that they have access to the internet which helps them advertise the stupid shit we all did. I for one am so glad I didn't grow up at a time of pervasive social networks. - rindojustrindo
Some drew analogies of the lifestyles of today’s youth with that of the youth of the past
back when i was a youth, all i cared about was mryandaoxxshadowsinxx, crimson balrog, rune plate scimitar and writing testimonials on friendster. today's generation cares about instagram, youtubers, influencers, chokers, NMDs?(whatever those are). each generation has their own obsession with something. globally all the youths too are obsessed with their followers on instagram etc etc. - donthavela
Generally, the response was positive for today’s youth. Youth will be youth, whatever the state of technology and the trends passing through. The way I see it, kids today are growing up too fast, being pressured to perform and succeed from such a young age. So I say have fun, see the world through youth-tinted glasses, do sh*t you’ll regret in like, 20 years time. Growing up in Singapore is stressful enough as it is and there will come a time when we must all be adults. Maybe your peers judge and maybe the "adults" don't approve, but what does it matter? Use your Instagram, Snap like there is no tomorrow, and when the time comes when we are old and cringe at the antics we used to pull, blame it on our youth. Like the Reddit user above says, living in the now and focusing on the inconsequential are the privileges of our youth.
Study hard. Get a good job (whatever that means). Work hard to make money. So you can work harder to make more money. Buy expensive shit so you can impress people at work. Retire when you’re too old to physically go to work or enjoy the money you’ve made. Die. Ah, the Singaporean dream. Isn’t it a doozy?

You snooze you lose

An <a href=" recently published by The Straits Times revealed that, according to a study by SingHealth Polyclinics, more than 40% of Singaporeans are not clocking enough sleep on weekdays. I’m sorry, is anyone actually surprised by these findings? No shit, Sherlock. It’s hard to get enough sleep when so many of us are raging workaholics. We spend over 9 hours at work, not including overtime, spend an hour squeezing through train stations, then try to stretch our leisure time at home in a futile attempt at maintaining our sanity before finally collapsing into bed, only to slam the alarm clock the next morning and repeat the whole process again. Not too far off the mark, am I? You’re not the only one. “I’m not a workaholic! I like to take a break now and then.” Bullshit. You can be an alcoholic without drinking 24/7. We are constantly conditioned by corporations to work hard and play hard, to make more money and spend more money. We have been inducted by advertising into the belief that the more we consume, the happier we’ll be, so we sacrifice everything at the altar of greed and ‘career’. Our sleep, our health, our relationships, our ideals. We convince ourselves that we need to work and work and work some more to reach that fleeting feeling of satisfaction when we fill our lives momentarily with the next smartphone or pre-scheduled holiday or expensive bag. Our neoliberal greed-is-good economy has driven our society collectively insane, to the point where, as a certain famous movie character once said, “We buy shit we don’t need, with money we don’t have, to impress people we don’t know.” We believe that economic growth is a necessity, that hyper-consumerism is the path to progress. We think that the only way to fulfil any sort of purpose in life is to work, buy stuff, and work some more. What if we’re wrong? What if the Singaporean Dream is bullshit? Maybe we should all just take a step back, and chill the f*ck out.

Embrace Boredom

“My father used to say that only boring people get bored. I used to think it’s only boring people who don’t feel boredom, so cannot conceive of it in others.” Aside from money, much of our motivation to pursue a life of relentless workaholism comes from our aversion to being bored. I’ve heard people say that if they stay at home and don’t work, they’d go crazy from the boredom, as if just being alive is such a chore that they need constant work to distract from the emptiness of existence. I’d submit that maybe the way to combat our rampant overworking and sleep deprivation is to simply open our minds to the idea of being bored. Boredom, ironically, is the mark of an interesting person, because he/she has the presence of mind and depth of thought to constantly seek more stimulating things. A boring person is never bored, because he/she absorbs himself in work and play, obsessing over unimportant things, never seeking anything new. Companies love boring people. They work intently all day, never allowing distractions from anything or anyone. They work longer hours than is required of them, and even continue working at home. They are so afraid of having nothing to do that they cling obsessively to their jobs like a sort of lifeboat saving them from the ocean of purposelessness. But when your job becomes your life, you leave little space for anything else, including your health. How can you go to sleep when you constantly think and talk about work and co-workers and KPIs, even when out of work? You try to distract yourself with video games and shows and social media, but all these only engage your mind further and drive your melatonin levels lower and lower, keeping you awake until you fall asleep out of sheer exhaustion, and wake up 4 hours later to your phone alarm blaring on repeat. Then you go to work with a hot cup of drugs a.k.a. caffeine in your hand and complain about how you didn’t get enough sleep and you’re sooo tired. Of course, some people genuinely have sleep disorders that prevent them from getting enough sleep, but not every sleepless workaholic is also a diagnosed insomniac. Many of us are just terrible at controlling our obsession with work and taking care of ourselves.

Work-life balance

We hear the term “work-life balance” thrown around a lot, but how many of us actually do enough to achieve it? According to Singhealth Polyclinics, less than 60% of us. If you’re one of the 40%, stressed, overworked, and sleep-deprived as all hell, perhaps try easing your grip a little. Start to understand that we may have more control over the stresses in our lives than we think, and just learn to switch off. Ignore work messages on your off days. Leave the office on time and go home early for dinner with your loved ones. Have unfinished work? Leave it for tomorrow. Deadlines can be postponed; assignments can wait; taking care of your health cannot. You can get a second job. You can’t get a second life.
We might be familiar with the old school Singaporean way of “proposing” during our parents' time. Your dad mentions that he had worked a couple of years and saved up before asking mum out for dinner and then popping the question, “Want to get a flat together?” However, that would probably not work in present day, where couples see proposals and Build-to-Order (BTO) flats as two separate entities. Proposals take elaborate planning and often occur in one romantic evening where the guy puts a ring on it (her), while BTOs take about 4 to 5 years of waiting and saving before it is completed. Although being proposed to by surprise might be what every girl (including myself) wants, marriage is still a lifelong commitment between my partner and me. And if getting our BTO is one (of many) obstacles that we are willing to work through together, then that would most likely eliminate the hesitation in my voice when it is time to say “I Do”.

Encouraging communication

The HDB website states a few options for flat types that both of you need to settle on as a couple. Before money comes into play, it is imperative that both of you <a href=" steps towards reaching a consensus about your future living situation. Perhaps it would make your partner and you look at your own flats that you live in with your parents a little differently, and that might encourage you to consider your own preferences on how you would want your own home to look like in the future. These choices, along with many others like whether or not to get a car, will encourage both of you to develop a shared vision together, making the big moment all the more special.

GETTING TO KNOW YOUR PARTNER’S FINANCIAL HABITS FIRST

Finding out if your partner has a plan to save diligently or is leaving all the saving to you can be a make it or break it decision for most relationships. Registration fees, down-payments, insurance, and monthly housing loan instalments can be a huge burden to bear, and you would certainly want to tie the knot with someone who have worked out a plan to pay off these financial commitments equally. It might also be a good wake-up call for either of you if saving a large sum of money for purchasing property has never been a part of your to-do list until now. Downloading apps to track your spending or saving and setting up collective financial targets under a joint bank account would be the ultimate relationship goal for the both of you to get over any impulsive spending habits as a couple.

MORE MATURE CONVERSATIONS AND DECISIONS

Going on dates will still be an ongoing activity for the both of you but you will notice a difference in how you communicate. A walk through IKEA will no longer only entail making puns out of the Swedish-named furniture or cracking jokes over Swedish meatballs at the food court, it will also be about looking over furniture price tags and budgeting on what to fit in your new home together. The parents that you’ve spent most of your adolescence avoiding are the folks you want to have around more often now. You will start noticing how wise they are in their spending habits and decision-making, and you will begin to regret only talking to them when you wanted more allowance money back then. Very soon, you will wish that your partner or you will turn out to be like either one of your parents.

ROPING IN THE PEOPLE WHO DO CARE

In comparison to showing off a fairytale proposal, people rarely like to flash their financial woes on social media after getting a BTO. Immediate family and close friends are most likely the ones who will be there with you at the BTO signing and when you get your keys to your new flat. These are the people that will be there throughout the journey. They will also be the ones who will help in setting up that magical proposal or wedding in the end. You'll start to see and appreciate the people who stuck your side and helped you through the tough decisions. It'll help you mature and make you more comfortable in the dynamics of your extended social circles in the future.

CUT THE WAITING TIME

A BTO takes about 4 to 5 years to be completed. It will be a pain to wait that long after you've proposed or been proposed to. It can be tricky to also have to figure out the living arrangements after getting married and before the house comes. You’d definitely want to have your personal space with your other half in the shortest amount of time possible and getting the BTO application done and out of the way would reduce some of that stress. While you wait for the flat, you could put your energy into planning the proposal, spending more time with his or her family to know them better, and also narrowing down to the most auspicious date for the wedding. More connections with either side of the family would mean more invites and could also mean more cash coming in to fund your new home in the end. At the very least, you still get more blessings - which you will appreciate.

A MORE MEANINGFUL PROPOSAL

In hindsight, you’re way more aware about each other by going through a BTO first before proposing than vice versa. Yes it is not a complete surprise, but after working a year or two since securing the BTO, this public "I Do" would encompass all of the points above and create the most meaningful and worthwhile proposal possible. Because by then, you would have nailed down all the hard decisions and drawn up your ideal future map. Both of you would have agreed on the house you want, have had mature conversations, and discussed your plans to achieve it together. Your family and friends who have been with you on the journey will be by your side, and by the time he popped the question, you both will be well within reach of getting the keys to the flat.  Also read, These 15 Married Couples’ Wedding Hashtags Are 1000X Better Than Yours.
When I mention that I lived in Singapore, most people would say “Oh, like Singapore noodles” or “Is that in China?” or “I had to stop there on the way to Australia”. Although being seen as part of China would be irritating to most Singaporeans, I find the latter the most irksome. I love Singapore. The little country with such rich culture and diversity is so much more than a pit stop en route to Australia. Before moving to Singapore, I read every travel guide and watched every YouTube video on Singaporean lifestyle and culture. I really scraped the bottom of the virtual barrel of knowledge about Singapore since I was moving more than 11,000km to live here for almost a year! So, here’s what I learned about the mysterious Singaporeans after a year of living, breathing, and eating Singapore.

Singaporeans are polite and obedient

I spent almost a year as an Ang Moh in Singapore. Yes, that’s what I’ll call myself, although most Singaporeans are far too polite to directly refer to me as an Ang Moh, even while they don’t like to admit that the term has any negative connotations. I find this delightfully refreshing after being to China where the locals repeatedly yell "Laowai" at any white person they happen across. Singaporeans are obedient citizens, unparalleled to anywhere in the world (except maybe North Korea, but best not to get into that), although the medieval corporal and capital punishments may have to answer for this level of nationwide good behaviour. You have never seen such orderly queueing as at an MRT station at rush hour. It’s an OCD heaven. Yes, it may be a bit whiffy inside the cramped train but it is heart-warming to know that every aunty can kick an able-bodied young man out of his seat or face the wrath of disapproving glances from other train users. I couldn’t actually believe that youngsters made news and were branded as troublemakers for nothing more than running alongside the train and getting back on before the doors closed. It’s a far cry from a school shooting! Order and rules are respected above all else here in Singapore. I am yet to meet a Singaporean who would even think about disregarding a packet of tissues at an otherwise empty table.

Singaporeans are competitive

Singapore has a reputation of being super smart. Yes, it’s true, all the stats say so, but a driving force behind this nation of high achievers is competition. Singaporeans are competitive and big fans of heated discussions... You’re having an argument, just admit it. I would challenge you to find a more competitive nation but I won’t, because that might also cause a “heated discussion”. It is easy to blame the pushy parents on this one - we’ve all seen the Asian father meme. For real though, someone needs to tell your parents that not everybody wants to be a doctor. The main culprit of this competitive culture is the education system. I spent 1 year in that battlefield that is Singaporean 3rd level education, and before you get all argumentative, no, I didn’t just have to get a pass like most exchangers; I actually had to compete with you guys for good grades against the odds of the dreaded “bell-shaped curve”. So, trust me when I say you guys need to chill out. Yes, education is important and you need to work hard if you want good grades, but there is more to life. I unapologetically state that there are things in life which are much more important than good grades. I would quite frankly like to throw De Moivre, Gauss and any other contributor of the bell-shaped curve down a garbage chute of the tallest HDB building (just kidding, I’m a life science graduate, I need that shit).

Singaporeans are patriotic, and also not

I had the good fortune of being in Singapore during the 50th anniversary celebrations and I was astonished by the air of national pride Singaporeans have for their country. Singaporeans are fiercely proud of being just that, and how far the country has come since independence. I was also living in Singapore during the death of Lee Kuan Yew, which was oddly terrifying. The passion with which Singaporeans grieved was shocking for us Ang Mohs who hadn’t even heard of him before. However, the underlying resentment of the country's strict policies is apparent especially in the younger generations. Young adults who feel stifled and restricted in Singapore dream of one thing - leaving Singapore. I had fallen in love with this country. I tried to extend my student visa so that I could stay in this beautiful city a little longer, to the dismay of many. I even made a return visit just last summer. I was devastated to hear that most, if not all, of my friends and classmates want to leave Singapore and to set up new lives in Australia or America. Sure, I can see why “the land of the free” might be enticing to young Singaporeans, but Singapore is an amazing place to live, with its stable economy, high employment rates, awesome food, and being arguably the safest place on Earth. So, Singaporeans, don't you all abandon ship just yet.
We’ve heard a lot about the woes of women in Singapore – the “Pink Tax”, as it’s been called – but what about the men? What about the Blue Tax? Yes, there are disadvantages to being a man. Of course, we don’t believe that gender equality should be measured using tit-for-tat who-has-it-worse comparisons. There are challenges to being both male and female in Singapore, and anywhere in the world, but that doesn’t make it objectively worse to be a man or woman. We just thought it’d be fun to point these out.

National Slavery

Let’s start with the most obvious and glaring issue: National Service. Unless you’re a truly talented bullshitter, you’d find it impossible to argue that the mandatory, systematic militarization of every able-bodied male citizen in a country isn’t an unfair, raw-as-sashimi deal for the men of Singapore. The simple truth is that NS can never be fair to men unless it is made similarly mandatory for women a la Israel. “But it makes sense! Men are stronger than women!” Oh, really? What happened to “women are every bit as strong as men and can do whatever men do’? And have you ever seen how skinny some of our soldiers are? Even as a “trained soldier”, I’d be perfectly willing to admit that there are many women in Singapore who would be capable of kicking my ass and being all-round better soldiers than me given proper training. Sure, men might have a slight edge in the physical rigours of combat overall, but to be honest, any reasonably healthy human being capable of carrying a 4kg rifle can be trained for combat, and if not, service or intelligence duties. Don’t tell me women can’t carry a rifle, some of your handbags feel as heavy as cosmic singularities. You regularly pull hair out of your skin and brisk-walk around in impossibly high heels just to “look good”. You’re not fooling anyone when you say that you could never survive in NS. You just don’t want to because it looks uncomfortable and inconvenient AF. And you’re right. I never wanted to have to deal with NS either, but I was born with a Y-chromosome, so I had to. Hear that? That’s the sound of the blue tax going “cha-ching, mother*cker!”

Paying for shit

Whether it’s paying for dinner, drinks, cars, or that overpriced shiny rock on an overpriced metal ring, men traditionally have to foot a much larger bill in the man-woman dynamic than women do. If you’re one of those modern women who actively espouse gender equality by splitting the bill and paying for their own shit, kudos to you. Unfortunately, many women in Singapore aren’t like that, and the men attached to these women get the short end of the monetary stick. There are some who think that since men get paid more than women for the same jobs, it all balances out. Two negatives make a positive, right? This isn’t primary school math, buddy. Two negatives, make, well, two negatives. You don’t achieve equality between genders by compensating one inequality with another. Well, there goes the blue tax counter. Let me just find a nice vantage point from which to watch my money fly away.

“Being A Man”

A famous comedian once said, “Be a man! Do the right thing!” Yeah, you know who I’m talking about. Singapore’s typical Asian patriarchy likes to put constant emphasis on “being a man”, which in turn puts a ton of pressure on men to be this perfect version of what society expects them to be. Make a lot of money. Be tall. Have a wide social circle. Drive a big shiny car. Be a part-time chauffeur for free. Don’t grow your hair (or nails) out too long. Make the first move. Put food on the table. Don’t ever become a stay-at-home dad. Women, of course, have their own set of social pressures to conform to, but that takes nothing away from the challenges of being a man in Singapore. It might seem ironic, but the patriarchy screws both men and women over. Top Image Credit
I was born Muslim. I grew up in a Muslim family. While my parents weren’t the most religious of people, my upbringing was very much Muslim. I went for Friday prayers at the neighbourhood mosques, was taught to read the Quran, and would visit the mosque during Hari Raya Puasa and Haji. As a young boy, I went to religious classes every Sunday morning, where we would learn about the different aspects of the religion- it’s history, the five pillars and how to speak Arabic. I attended all my religious classes diligently and even got a certification of completion by the end of it. Religion for me at the time wasn’t so much about belief as it was about following my parents, because that’s just how it is. You follow the religion of your parents, because they’re your parents and you’re just a child. I did as I was told; No more, no less.

Losing my religion

When I was 14 years old, a friend invited me to a Christmas party. I had no idea it was an evangelistic event until we were an hour in. The pastor was speaking about the death of Christ and its significance. It was only then that I realized I was actually sitting in a sermon. At first I thought, “Shoot, I’m trapped.”, but since I was already there, I listened as the pastor preached about the essence of Christmas. Maybe it was the music, the melody or the words of the worship songs, but somehow that all got me questioning things—questioning if there truly existed a god, because before then, even though I was Muslim, I’d never believed in a higher being; as far as I was concerned, God didn’t exist. Eventually, my beliefs shifted to the point that I started believing in an actual god – the Christian god. I had been converted.

Secrets at home, judgement outside

My conversion to Christianity came with no small amount of fear. I had no idea what would become of me if my family were to find out. I was terrified, so I tried my best to keep a low profile. Among my friends, I was Christian—I even ate pork. But when I was home, I was a whole other person. I had to act the part of a Muslim. I couldn’t eat pork. When it was time to fast, I fasted at home but as soon as I was out of my parents’ sight, I broke fast. Part of the act was out of fear, but a big part of it was also out of respect for my parents and what they believed. For about 5 years, I had to lie every Saturday in order to go to church. My mum would always ask me, “why you always go out on Saturdays?” It was lie after lie, last week it was, “I’m going out to study with my friends,” this week it’s, “I’m going shopping for new clothes.” There was always this paranoia that they would find out, and I was constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. All my friends knew I was a Christian, but not all of them responded positively to this. While most of them accepted it, there were a handful that didn’t, and who would ask me why I converted just so they could shoot me down and rain criticism on me. In school, some of my closest Malay friends would keep their distance from me. They wouldn’t talk to me, which is why I have a lot more Chinese friends now than Malay ones. About 6 years after I converted, when I was in NS, some of the people I knew would attack me because of my beliefs. One of my instructors that found out dragged me to one side after breakfast one day, while we were waiting to go back to our dormitory, and said to me, “Wah, if we’re not in Singapore, I would have killed you already. It would have been my duty to kill you.” I knew he couldn’t do anything, so I retorted, saying, “Yeah, lucky we’re in Singapore. You can’t do anything to me.” Muslims judged me, Christians judged me, even friends I knew who were neither Muslim nor Christian had something to say about it. They would say things like “Eh, like that, aren’t you betraying your own family?” or, “Don’t you think your family will be upset?” This is because there is a Muslim law that holds your family responsible for your faith. If you betray the faith, it’s on your family as well, because it means they haven’t brought you up well.

And then my parents found out

Eventually, my parents found out because they found a bible in my room and that’s when all our problems began. I tried reasoning with my dad, explaining that he couldn’t force me to believe in something I didn’t believe in, and that even if I did follow him and “behaved” like a Muslim, he and I both knew that in my heart, I wouldn’t be one. But still, he would keep saying, “cannot”, “cannot”, “cannot”. Things didn’t progress and it came to a point when things became violent. I didn’t want to fight back because my dad was already getting old, so all I could do was block him as he beat me. That day, I ran out of the house half-naked, with not even shoes on; all I had on were my shorts because my shirt had torn from the beating. I didn’t know what to do because I didn’t want to fight back, but at the same time, I was about to explode, so I ran. My pastor—a Malay pastor who has also been through a similar experience—came down to talk to me and comfort me. He offered to open his home to me if things got worse, but he made it very clear that I should try all ways and means to make things right with my parents. I was prepared to run away. I told my mother that if my dad beat me up one more time, I was gone. She told me to come back, to not talk about religion for the time being and promised to make sure my dad didn’t hit me again. From that point on, my family didn’t speak openly to me about religion anymore. Neither did my dad and I speak. That went on for about 2 years.

What now?

Today, 8 years on, I’ve made good with my family. They still refuse to accept the fact that I’m Christian, and from time to time, they still try to change my mind about Christianity. When news comes up on Pastor Kong Hee, they make a big deal of it, saying, “see, Christians are like that.” They raise the issue of rich pastors, and they do little things here and there to put down Christianity and lift up the name of Muslims. The more I’ve grown in my faith as a Christian, the more they’ve seemed to grow in theirs as Muslims—my mum, my dad, and my sister. While I’ve been serving and being more active in church, my mum’s started to pray 5 times a day; my dad’s been going to the mosque every day; and my sister’s been going for more advanced religious classes. This year, my parents are going on a pilgrimage to the Middle East. While there is not a war right now, I am fearful that it’s only right around the corner, like when I marry my Christian girlfriend. She might need to convert — at least according to Muslim customs — and I know for a fact that she won’t. Neither of us can fathom being of a religion we don’t believe in. Other people may disagree with me, and they are free to do so. Maybe they’ll say, “I’d rather things be peaceful within my family, and I’ll give up my belief if that’s what threatens to tear us apart.” But for me, belief matters and I cannot easily give that up.

Religion in Singapore

No matter what happens in the future, I know I will stand by my beliefs. After all, I’ve already gone through so much to defend my right to believe it. Stories like mine are not all that rare. The details are different, but the struggle is the same. We face condemnation from all sides—those of the same faith as us, those of a different faith, those who know us, those who don’t, friends and family. In Singapore, by right, no one can do anything to you based on what you believe. But there are still many ways people can hurt you. Your friends can ostracize you. Your family can beat you. Everyone is free to judge you. From all I’ve heard and experienced, racial tolerance and religious tolerance are just how things appear on the surface. Sure, we can all live together, but if you strike out on your own and believe something different from everyone else—especially everyone else in your family—that’s when you realize how ugly things are, or how ugly things can get when religious differences are in the picture. At the end of the day, religion and what you believe is a highly personal matter. It is not for others to decide for you, and it is surely not something you believe simply because your parents do. The best I can do is stand by my religious beliefs while respecting those of others, whether they be family, friend or stranger. Top Image Credit