“Sometimes I just feel like smacking you in the head over and over again.” Who do you think said that to me? If you thought my girlfriend, you thought right. Can’t live with them, can’t live without them, am I right girls and guys? If you feel the same way about your partner, you’re certainly not alone. And there’s a reason for that.

Misery loves company

We like to think that we seek relationships with people who make us happy, but the whole truth may be a lot stranger than that. According to psychologists, we instinctively gravitate to potential partners who we think will make us miserable. I know that sounds ridiculous, but let me explain. It all begins with our parents, from whom we first experience and learn about love and human interaction. Everything we do later in our lives in pursuit or service of love, is influenced in some way by our understanding of human relationships that we first learned from our parents in childhood. In many ways, the love we seek as adults is actually driven by a search for the rediscovery of love we felt from our parents as children, a sort of quest for that lost paradise of childhood. Our parents made us feel loved during our developmental years, so we long to feel loved again as adults. That all sounds fine and dandy, but the problem is that parent-child relationships are often far more complicated. As most of us know, no parent is perfect, and the process of parenting always involves emotions other than love. In order to be perceived as attractive, a potential partner must often display a capacity to reconnect us with our childhood feelings – all of them. These can include feelings of inadequacy, insecurity, anxiety, and yes, anger. If your parents were overly critical and distant, you might find yourself attracted to people with similar qualities, people who constantly deny you the approval and absolution you seek. If your parents were overly submissive, you might seek partners who frustrate you with their lack of initiative or assertiveness. In finding love, we often end up choosing partners who allow us to suffer in the ways we need to suffer, in order to relive the dynamics of our childhood that we innately associate with “true” love.

Role Reversal

In some cases, the parent-child relationship doesn’t always manifest in our choosing partners with similar flaws as our parents. Occasionally, we take on the role of our flawed parent, and act out the same dynamic with our partner, with him/her on the receiving end of our parent’s failings. We might constantly put our partners down or leave them uncertain of where they stand in the relationship. We might compare them to others or complain constantly about their shortcomings Either way, in our relationships, we seem doomed to seeking out the fault of our parents in our partners, or to act out these faults with our partners. Such relationship dynamics are, of course, unhealthy, but oftentimes unavoidable. The cruel and slightly hilarious irony of all this is that we end up being attracted to the kinds of relationships that our upbringings leave us most woefully ill-equipped for. Those of us who are attracted to mysterious, distant individuals, are the ones least able to deal with the long silences and feelings of separation. Those of us drawn to strong-willed, agonistic partners, are the ones whose parental abuse leave us afraid of and unwilling to deal with confrontation. The failings that most draw us in, are precisely the ones that we are least able to handle.

Love amidst hate

But wait, before you pick up your phone to break up with your partner, know that there is still hope. Thankfully, just being aware of all this can be the first step to a healthier, happier relationship. These vestigial ties to our unhealthy childhood relationships lie hidden below the surface, but knowing about them allows us to yank them out of our subconscious mind, and into our waking consciousness. By knowing about the troubling dynamics that drive your infuriating relationship with your partner, you can learn to break these habits, and steer your relationship in the direction you wish through present self-correction. If you’re acting out at your partner in the same ways your parents acted towards you, try putting your partner in the shoes of childhood you. How did you feel? How did you wish your parents would have treated you instead? Now, in a peculiar way, you have the power to correct the past failings of your parents. Resist the urge to be judgemental or to make an unnecessary point. Ditch the silent treatment and passive aggression. Be a nicer version of your flawed parent. If you’re finding negative traits of your parents in your partner, imagine yourself as a person with, well, better parents. In dealing with the same frustrations that your parents put you through, try imagining how a mature person without the same issues as you would deal with them. Resist the urge to fight against your partner the way you wish childhood you had fought back against your parents. Be the person you wish to be, not the person your parents raised. Perhaps the way to a better relationship lies in recognizing its connections to the troubles of our past, and accepting that we’re with our partners not just in spite of their shortcomings, but because of them. Top Image Credit  

Growing up, you hear many things about what your 20s will be like. However, nothing anyone says can really prepare you for the real thing. This is the time in our lives when the hopes we’ve always had for the future get yanked out from the backs of our minds and are displayed right before our faces. When dreams are not dreams anymore, but decisions; reality. There’s no more time to say, “I’ll see how it goes,” or, “I’ll decide when the time comes.” The time has come, and the crossroads of your life are no longer in the future, they’re right before you. This is the age that fears we’ve never even conceived of having to deal with become very, very real. Will I spend the rest of my life alone? Will I marry someone who’s not right for me? Will I end up selling my soul for a job I hate? Will my life amount to nothing? Will the path I embark on now lead me to nowhere? And to think that you used to be afraid of getting rejected by your crush or of being unpopular in school. How silly you were. How you wish you could go back to simpler times and trade in your existential dread for your childhood fear of the monster under your bed. When we’re young, we can’t wait to grow up and be independent. But now that we’re here, we want nothing more than to go back. Because you don’t know what you have, till it’s gone and lost forever to the past. They say 25 is the age your body goes downhill. Well, they were right. Your step gets sluggish. Training for IPPT becomes so much more of a slog. Your sex drive takes a nose dive. When you used to climb mountains and surf waves and party all night, now all you want to do is curl up in bed with a bowl of chips and Netflix on your laptop. Your body begins to ache in ways you’ve never known it could, and while you used to feel immortal, you now begin to genuinely worry for your health and you see how that worry will control the rest of your life with endless check-ups and doctor’s appointments. They said to enjoy your life as a student, because working life will suck ass. And again, they were right. You worry if you’ve become one of the "boring old people” you’ve always criticized, and you freak out at the prospect of becoming too much like your parents, a future that teenage you swore to steer clear of at all costs. You wonder if the times you had partying and living it up as a student in college will be the most fun you will ever have had in your life. You fear that you’ll never enjoy your life any more than you did then. But it’s not all bad. You begin to learn that life is not simply a pursuit of fun and pleasure, but a journey laden with responsibility and a far deeper meaning than getting laid at the club. You stop looking for superficial connections, and start hoping for something real. Because while the fun years of your life might be over, the truly happy ones might just be beginning. You start to consider the legacy you'll be leaving, the mark you'll have on this world that will endure after you're gone. You hope to make an impact in a way and to a degree that teenage you could never realistically aspire to. To make the world a better place; spearhead research and development of new advancements; positively influence public opinion; help those desperately in need. And perhaps most importantly, you can begin to repay your parents for everything they've done for you. You might even begin to entertain the notion of taking on life’s ultimate challenge – having children. You realize that while as a kid you thought your parents knew everything, parents are just kids having kids. The prospect of shaping the life of another the way your parents shaped yours scares you shitless, but also fills you with hope and excitement. We all long to do something meaningful and great with our lives. Maybe this is it. 20-somethings hope for and fear a great many things, because such is the nature of life. It’s exciting and terrifying at the same time, but every journey worth travelling is. 

“Hey, I’m home. I’m going to bed once I’ve showered and caught up with my parents. I’ll talk to you later, k? Love you.” I wasn’t at home and I was nowhere close to heading to bed. I was still out and I’d just blatantly lied to my partner. Where was I? I was with someone else, having a few drinks after we'd had the perfect dinner date together. I’ve cheated many times. I think I can safely say I’ve cheated in more than half of my past relationships. It's not something I'm proud of and it’s definitely not something I tell everyone I meet. Everyone’s got a deep, dark secret, and this is mine. I’ve cheated both physically and emotionally. I’ve slept with other people while I was still with my partners. I’ve also somehow managed to develop a relationship with someone else while in a relationship. Each time I cheated, I’d spend hours questioning myself, wondering how I could let myself commit such an act. And still, I let myself cheat again and again.

Motivations of a serial cheater

At some point, it dawned upon me that the main reason I continued to cheat lat with me: I cheated because I was trapped. I was trapped in a string of unhappy relationships in which I could never muster the courage to break up with my partners. Cheating was something I used as a form of respite from something that brought me down day after day. I used cheating as a coping mechanism against my unhappy relationships; I used it to derive some happiness, something my partners no longer offered. The feeling of cheating on your partner is perhaps one of the strangest feelings a person can feel. In that moment, when you’re cheating, you find a way to disregard the relationship you’re currently in. It feels like you’re living a separate life, a life that’s not yours, and you’re this whole other person altogether. As you go about the act of cheating, a part of you feels fear, guilt. You fear getting caught by your partner, or your partner’s friend… You’re out having a meal or having drinks, having a good time, but throughout that time, you’re paranoid, plagued by a fear of being found out. You’ve committed such an unforgiveable act, and you know it. And this feeling of guilt gnaws at you, because you know it would break your partner’s heart if he/she someday found out. But even as you feel and know these things, you still feel a sense of happiness, a thrill, a satisfaction from this other person you’re out with, sleeping with.

The hardest part about cheating

There were a few occasions when I was almost found out, and it is those moments when they start asking questions that are the worst. You panic. You’re overwhelmed by anxiety. You try to recall if you’ve deleted all traces of cheating from your devices—your phone, your Facebook, your emails. And when all that’s been processed, you start to overreact. You start to shout. You get defensive about everything. You try to turn the argument around, and you try to make it seem like your partner was the one who was being insecure. You try to throw him/her off in every way possible and pin the blame on them, on how they don’t trust you wholeheartedly.

To cheat or not to cheat?

Even though I’ve cheated many times, I have never been caught. I’ve always ensured my tracks were covered, and my lies, bulletproof. I pre-empted my partners’ response, how they would react, and I had my answer or reaction prepared. To be honest, it takes a lot of effort to cheat, and to do it “well”. If you weigh the happiness you derive from cheating against the effort it takes to cover your tracks, and all the emotions that come with it—the paranoia, the fear, the anxiety, the guilt—you’ll realize it just isn’t worth it. I’ve had my fair share of cheating, and trust me when I say the benefits never outweigh the costs. I’ve since grown from all that and no longer cheat, but that’s because I no longer allow myself to suffer silently in unhappy relationships. Why be with someone you’re not happy with, only to have the relationship you really want on the side, and in secret?

"Whoa, she could do better." How often have you walked past a couple and thought that? Deny it all you want, even the best of us do this. We’re human and like it or not, we judge. We judge people from the way they dress, the way they act and, of course, the person they're dating.

The Reacher And The Settler

Often, in relationships, you'll find one person has reached (the "reacher"), while the other has settled (the "settler"). Put simply, the reacher is the one who's dating up and out of his/her league, and the settler is the one who's dating down, and who's settled for less. Some famous examples? Beyonce and Jay-Z. For a long time, Victoria's Secret Angel Adriana Lima was married to this guy: <a href=" And remember how upset the Internet got when rumors started circulating that Chris Evans - Captain America himself - was dating this girl? That's Jenny Slate. She's hilarious, you should check her out. <a href=" Most of us think of the reacher and the settler in terms of looks and physical appearance, but delve deeper and you'll realize that this idea can be applied to virtually any other facet of an individual: character, wealth, achievements, etc. Does this mean every couple is doomed to be composed of a reacher and a settler?

The Reacher And The Settler - A Toxic Idea

I’ve had my fair share of failed relationships and looking back, it was probably precisely this toxic mentality that caused my relationships to end. There's always the one person who's reaching, trying to be like or be better than the other and eventually, it comes to a point when both parties get sick of it; the constant comparisons permeate every interaction within the course of the relationship so that eventually, love becomes the casualty. I have friends who strongly believe in this idea, and that you should strive for the position of power - be the settler instead of the reacher. Be the more achieved, more interesting, more everything partner. Be the one that's more desired. But I don't. I believe love isn't a competition and you love someone not to prove anything to anyone, but because you love them. Otherwise, you're going to be dating your way through a bunch of girls (or guys) who just aren't right for you.   I believe we should choose the love we truly want, regardless of how it looks from the outside, regardless of what people say or will say. Real love is when both people see and treat each other as equals. Why be in a relationship where you don't get the respect, appreciation and love you deserve?  At the end of the day, and as idealistic as it may sound, love should be unconditional. It shouldn't only be given when you've done a certain number of things to earn it; it shouldn't be hard work, much less one-sided hard work. Love should feel like coming home, where you're free to be exactly who you are, say exactly what you think, and feel exactly as you feel. And most importantly, love should flow in both directions. You should get just as much as you give, not because it's fair and not because you're keeping count, but because you're with someone who loves you enough to know that that's exactly what you deserve.

Falling in love is easy the first time. There are no qualms, no hesitation. You just dive in headfirst, blind to his flaws or the red flags screaming out at you. You have no insecurities, no fear of heartbreak, none of the mistrust that comes with ever having your heart broken. Love is a drug, and the first time you’ve had a taste of it, you wonder how you lived without it for so long--until the moment it all gets taken away from you. After your first heartbreak, you no longer see love with rose tinted glasses. Your once-broken heart is now forever tainted. The first time I met you, I was still bitter and I saw true love as nothing but a façade. I ignored you, I drank too much and I never laughed at any of your jokes. I closed off my heart, refusing to play the fool and fall a second time—I told myself I knew better this time. Maybe it was your resolute determination, maybe it was the way you reassured me when I had my doubts, but at some undeterminable point I began to trust you. I found it impossible to play it cool, your silly smile disarming me whenever I had a snarky reply to your cheeky pickup lines. Sometimes, I caught myself falling and it was terrifying. My first thought was to distance myself, to protect myself from getting hurt and disappointed again but sleeping next you felt like being in a cocoon of safety and warmth and I never wanted to leave. I wanted to bask in the warmth of your love that felt like the summer sun peeking out behind the clouds. The second time you fall in love, you are not blinded like the first time. I could see your flaws and I knew you were not perfect, but I chose to fall in love anyway. I could see the way your eyes shone when you spotted me from across the room, the way you hugged me protectively and kissed me goodnight on the forehead, the way you remembered everything I say, the way you took care of me when I was sick, the way you said you loved me despite my doubts about us. For the first time in a while, I have faith. A faith so strong it overcomes any fear I once had, because true love is not just passion. It also gives you the fear that the one you love will leave and disappoint you. But true love also gives you faith that your love is true and will overcome all obstacles against it.

You were once the world to me. We knew each other like the backs of our hands and spent nearly every waking moment together. There were days when being beside each other wasn’t enough, and there were days we got tired of each other—but the bottom line was always the same; we loved each other. At least, I hope we did.

You used to hold my hand every night and share with me all the ways you thought life was beautiful. You used to talk about how we would build a future together. We would stroll together, discuss the house we would live in, the children we would raise, the lifestyle we would lead, the home we would make. We would travel the world together and immerse ourselves in all the different cultures.

We were the couple everyone thought would stay together, forever.

And then one day it all vanished, leaving behind nothing but words left unsaid and the photos to prove that what we once shared was indeed real.

I was the one who let you go. I chose to give you up instead of work out our differences. You didn't want to walk away, but I made you. I cajoled and I begged and I was the one who pushed you away. I was the one who let you go, even as I doubted if there could ever be someone else who would love me the same.

When I watched you finally walk away, your back turned resolutely on me, I expected liberation; I expected relief to wash over me. At the very least, I expected guilt to come over me, guilt for not giving my all in fighting for us. But there was nothing of that sort. You simply crept away, into the dark of the night, and as quietly as you had entered. That day, you took something of mine with you. You took a part of me I knew only when I was with you.

With each day that passed since we agreed to go our separate ways, the void in me grew deeper. I wondered if it could ever be filled, and I asked myself time and again if I did the right thing. Can you ever truly let go of someone you still love?

Oftentimes, circumstances get the better of people and events play themselves out. We may have been lovers and best friends once who shared some of their best moments in life together, but all good things inevitably come to an end.

We started off as strangers, and we've come full circle—except now, we're strangers who know all of each other’s little secrets. There will come a day when we will look back on the times we shared together and be able to smile genuinely, but that day will not arrive quite so soon. It's a journey that only time can take care of.

In the meantime, it’s okay to dwell in the past every once in a while. It’s okay to reminisce the time you both burned that steak you tried to cook, the time you pieced together that impossibly huge jigsaw puzzle, the time you stayed up all night just revealing all your secrets to each other; the time you fell asleep on each others’ shoulders, how you tried to complete each others’ sentences, your miserable attempt at break dancing together.

With the passing of time, as with a million other inconsequential matters, the memories that were once vivid will gradually fade. The shared experiences will one day be relegated to the deep recesses of your mind, and you will be okay.

People tell you that healing is a long and arduous process, but one thing is for certain—it will happen. With the passage of time, even the most painful of memories fade away. When you’re finally able to sit yourself down and look at all your old photos without feeling that pang of regret or overwhelming sense of nostalgia, you know you’re getting there. I may have been the one who let you walk out of my life, but I think there are some people you love that you never really stop loving. You allow them to graduate from your life as a stranger, but you also remember how they have changed you and made you the person you are today.  So, this is how you let go of someone you love; you take them down from the pedestal and you allow yourself to forget, one shred of feeling at a time.   

The one who cares more, who loves more, loses--or so they say. In love and life, there are many unspoken rules and preconceived notions. Many of them lead us to think that we would be at the losing end of a relationship should we let slip and show that we truly care. It is better to pretend to have a devil-may-care attitude than to be known as the one who loves more. The one who loves more would be in an extremely vulnerable position just waiting to get taken advantage of. He or she would be someone who gets walked all over, the one with no semblance of self-respect or dignity--or so they make it out to be. Often times though, the one who cares more, who loves more, are the real brave souls. They are the ones willing to put themselves out there, in the face of hurt and rejection, simply to express their truest emotions from the bottom of their hearts. They are unafraid to show that they love you, that they genuinely care for you, and this goes far beyond any pride or uncertainty that comes with being the one who loves more. Be the one who loves more, so there will be no games, no room for overthinking. You will begin to see the beauty of a relationship sans the games and hidden connotations. If you love someone, just show it. Wear your heart on your sleeve and flaunt it proudly. Why bother masking this beautiful phenomenon reminiscent of a life well-lived? When you are finally able to look past the stigma that accompanies being the one who loves more, you will see for yourself that it is a truly liberating revelation. You can accord your loved ones the attention they deserve, the care and concern you think they should have and nothing else would matter. Nothing else should matter. When pride takes a backseat, love takes the front seat. Put aside societal expectations, go ahead and be the one who laughs louder, cries harder and yells longer. Go ahead and be the one who says "good morning" first, the one who says "good night" last. Go ahead and be the one who eats the lesser share of the pie, the one who gives up the jacket under cold conditions. There is no shame in that. In fact, being the one who loves more speaks volumes about one's self-esteem. Embrace rejection. It is okay to experience rejection, to feel the pain of heartache if it comes along. They are part and parcel of life. These are what make you strong. They are the precise events that shape you into who you are and who you will eventually be. Take a step back, feel the full force of your emotions and show it bravely to the world. Be the one who loves more, that's okay too.

1. She waits up till I come home

"My girlfriend tries to stay awake until I come home. I tend to work a lot of late nights, but she's more of an "early to bed, early to rise" kinda girl, so she always tries to stay awake so she can at least say good night. She's studying abroad right now, and she still tries to stay awake until I come home from work so we can Skype goodnight." - thom3804

2. He remembers our little traditions

"We've been dating for five years and we have always gotten a Cherry Coke as a drink if we are sharing. A few months ago, we went to the movies and he came back, as per usual, with a Cherry Coke. I said I was glad that we both loved that soda the most and he replied 'I actually don't really like Cherry Coke but I get it because it's your favorite and you like to share.'" - annalynnvt

3. He holds my hand

"Holding hands. Doesn't matter if it's at home or when we're walking around, it's a constant reminder." - marigold99

4. She makes me coffee every morning

"Every morning, my wife of 18 years gets up before me and makes coffee. She doesn't drink coffee." - Sandbocks

5. He kisses me in the middle of the night

"When he wakes up in the middle of the night and kisses me while still half asleep. That makes me feel like even when he's semi-conscious, he wants to show me he loves me." - Dildo_of_Vengeance

6. He leaves me the last bite

"He always tries to give me the last bite of whatever we're sharing, even if it's insanely delicious." - scienceasfuck

7. He just wants me to be happy

"When I'm stressed out and miserable because of my job, he always says "Just quit. We'll be okay" when he knows full well that we need the money my job brings in. He'd rather have to scrape and scratch to pay the bills than see me unhappy." - DiffidentDissident

8. He loves me even when he's angry

"The way we argue. He's so considerate and thoughtful with his words, even when I know he's incredibly frustrated. That speaks volumes about the way he respects me and loves me even when he's angry with me."

9. He doesn't let me feel like a burden

"I seriously injured my back recently and he helps me do absolutely everything and expects nothing back. When I start to feel bad for needing him so much, he reassures me that he's my husband and he loves helping me. "For better or for worse." It means a lot. - babbidaboopy

10. He looks out for my safety

"He's a bit of a crazy driver, but if we ever have to make a hard stop, he immediately throws out his arm to keep me in my seat. I'm a fairly small person, and he's a fairly tall one, and as a result he's very protective of me, in little and big ways. Seeing that, and seeing him worrying about my safety makes me feel more loved than anything else in the world."

11. He treats me like he did when we first started dating

"Married 18 years and he still kisses me every morning." - pinaygirl

Breakups are one of the most painful things in life to go through. You're plagued by the memory of them, the things you've done together, the places you've gone, and whether you're on the initiating or receiving end of the breakup, it hurts. Like hell. In the wake of a breakup, it can seem like the pain will never end, that you will always be broken, and that you will never be able to love again. All that couldn't be further from the truth. One day, you'll wake up and realize that you're okay, that you survived it, that they've been cleansed from your system. This is how 17 Singaporeans knew they were finally over their ex-es.

1. When the memory of them stops haunting you

"When I can look at the other person and laugh at the memories." "When I look at their post on Facebook and don't think of my time with them." "When you go back to places you've been to together and it doesn't upset you." "When I start forgetting simple things like which floor they live on or their middle names."

2. When you can be normal around them

"When I no longer feel awkward around them."

3. When it just stops hurting

"When I no longer cry when I sleep." "When I can listen to "Six degrees of separation" by The Script and not feel anything anymore." "When I no longer feel happy/sad/angry etc. over them. Just neutral. When I'm sort of apathetic towards them?"

4. When you no longer think about them

"When I no longer think of them as I wake up and as I go to sleep." "When I only think about them once in awhile." "When I can get on with my life as per usual and not think about or check on the person every other hour." "When I no longer think of the person when I'm having fun. When you're with someone, you think of them when you're having fun 'coz you want them to share your joy. When you stop thinking about them when you're happy, you're over them."

5. When they stop being a sensitive topic

"When I feel neutral when people mention their name/places we've been to/activities we've done together." "When I'm okay seeing them date someone else." "When I see them with someone else and I'm like heng ah, lucky I never end up with that person. " "When I simply don't feel anything when people talk about him or when I bump into him."

6. When you move on

"When I'm interested in someone else." How did you know when you were finally over your ex? Submit your story to [email protected].

Read Next: 16 Singaporeans Share What They Hate Most About Dating These Days

Dating in this day and age is a tricky thing to navigate. There are new relationship labels, new relationship dynamics, new dating habits, and let's just say not all of these changes are for the better. These are some things Singaporeans Hate--with a capital'H'--about the dating scene today.

1. You're probably not the only one

"Too many avenues of distraction, especially during the early dating phase i.e. high possibility of concurrent dating." "Trust issues. That one guy/girl you're dating may be dating 10 other people. HEARTS ARE AT STAKE HERE PEOPLE!"

2. A generation of commitment-phobes

"How casual everything is." "People are not as willing to put in effort and are always looking for the easy way out."

3. Life gets in the way

"Too many commitments."

4. It's all about sex

"Hookup culture." "Assuming everything is somehow physical-related."

5. A difference in expectations

"When guys just want casual sex."

6. Having to play the damn game

"The GAME. Of waiting and coy flirting." "The fact that you can't be entirely honest with the person you're chasing/dating. One has to pretend to be interested yet not overly interested. You have to play it cool and not reply/text early. Somehow, dating has evolved into a mind game. I personally prefer how things were done in the past where it was a little more direct."

7. What happened to good ol' face to face? Or phone calls?

"Everything seems to be done over the online medium. I think the tradition of calling someone on the phone and asking them out is so sweet! And you can actually genuinely feel the interest level of the other party from their voice over the phone." "Texting, because you can't communicate ~real~ feelings."

8. Blurred lines

"Not knowing when to close the deal."

9. "It's complicated."

"Too many labels: dating/seeing so-and-so/friends with benefits. What happened to good, old fashioned romance?"

10. Oversensitive people

"If one is too frank, one is likely to be perceived as out of line."

11. Um... It's awesome?

"Nothing." What do you hate most about dating these days? Submit your story to [email protected].

Read Next: 17 Singaporeans Share How They Knew They Were Finally Over Their Ex-es