Tag: death

Three years ago, Yvonne lost her mum to cancer. 

She was only a secondary school student when the doctor first diagnosed her mum with breast cancer. The cancer went into remission after chemotherapy treatments and a mastectomy, but eight years later, it came back. And it was after that relapse that the labour of caring for a loved one suffering from a debilitating illness began to take a toil on Yvonne. 

The period of five years after that was one of “the most traumatic period, because I was still doing my work.” That was also a period that saw Yvonne’s sister gave birth, and the heavy responsibilities her sister had with nursing a newborn meant that Yvonne had to step up as the main caregiver to her mother, whose condition was deteriorating by the day.

“Towards the end, her treatment options sort of dwindled down. She tried quite a few treatments but developed a tolerance. It came to a point where there was one option left.”

The cancer cells had spread to her mother’s spine when they were told that the only option left was an intrathecal chemotherapy: “Which means it has to go through either the spine at the end, or they have to put this ‘tap’ at her head and I think for her, that was too much. She didn’t want that.”

Her mother was adamant about not going for that treatment. In a sense, that meant that Yvonne could only bring her mum home and watch her condition deteriorate—there was nothing much else that could be done medically.

It wasn’t hard for Yvonne to accept her mother’s death when she passed five years after the relapse, as it was something that they foresaw, “but I felt like I lost my opportunity to reconcile with her.”

“I don’t think we knew how to talk about reconciliation, especially when she was sick. It was never the right time to bring up past grievances.”

When one is dying, the emotions that accompanies being aware of one’s mortality can make it very difficult to discuss. The same goes for their loved ones, who will deal with a confusing mix of sorrow, despair, and helplessness as they watch their loved one get weaker by the day. For Yvonne, what stuck with her is not being able to have ‘that conversation’, or to properly plan her mother’s last moments together. 

“I feel like it’s important to talk about all aspects of life, and you can do that even when there’s no sickness,” she added, as she shared about why she volunteered with Both Sides, Now, a community engagement project about what it means to live well, and leave well, after her mum’s passing. 

The Importance Of Talking About Death

What if your mum is suffering from cancer and has a 50% chance of surviving if she goes for treatments, but she chooses not to go for the treatments? 

“It’s too expensive,” she tells you. “I’ll also have a 50% chance of dying, so, what for?” 

However, not going for treatments also means that she has a zero percent chance of surviving. 

Do you respect her choice, knowing that she is dying, or do you force her into going for the treatments?

This was a moral ambiguity that was very similar to what Yvonne faced, and it was a scenario that was presented at an interactive theatre show at the recent BSN event at Telok Blangah. Although hypothetical, it was a reflection of dilemmas that many people face in dealing with the last stages of their loved one’s life. 

Taken at the recent BSN event at Telok Blangah, which gave the public many opportunities to think about death

The stakes are so high because when a loved one passed away, it’s too late. Too late for last goodbyes or last acts of love.

Those were the points that ArtsWok Collaborative’s Ngiam Su-Lin, Creative Producer of BSN, brought up when she highlighted the importance of talking about death.

“Often, when illness strikes and it’s terminal, it’s too late to plan. It can result in a lot of suffering, and when people pass on and there’s no closure, it can cause a lot of grief, loss, and conflicts in the family.”

We all die one day, and we know that. 

We are aware of how unpredictable and transient our life is, but we never talk about it. Perhaps we do occasionally, when we joke about the funeral we want for ourselves with friends. However, it is the details of what we want in our last moments that we miss out.

“We talk about giving birth and preparing for all these milestones like birthdays and first jobs, but how come when it comes to dying, we don’t talk about our fears, desires, and plans?”

Different people's Last Moment that they envisioned for themselves, encapsulated into a ball

Dying With Dignity With An End-Of-Life Plan

Accompanying every death are intense degrees of pain, grief, and loss—which was what Drama Box’s Artistic Director Kok Heng Leun, who is also Artistic Director of BSN, stressed when he explained the motivations behind BSN.

“People associate [death and loss] with not moving on, not going forward. But loss is such an important aspect of life.”

However, the fear of an unknown and the suffocating emotional pain makes it hard to talk about it. And mortality is such an awkward topic to bring up. It definitely isn’t something you just casually bring up to your parents like so: ‘Ma, pa, how do you want to die?’

The less we talk about it however, the more difficult it will be when a death occurs, because when you look at it objectively, it is the lack of preparation that makes it difficult. 

I particularly remember this lady (presumably in her thirties) at a previous BSN event, who amidst trying to hold back her tears, shared how she struggled with seeing her father in the last moments in his life after a sudden medical emergency. She struggled because the family never found out what he really wanted for his last moments. They never got to speak to him about it because it was just too sudden. In a way, it was a closure that she never really had, as she will never know if they did the right thing or if they did enough for him before he left. 

Our society as a whole lacks the knowledge in conducting such discussions. We see death and dying as something too grim to seriously discuss about. Yet, it is such a critical conversation to have with the most important people in our life. Because if we never have such conversations, we will never truly know what our loved ones want for their last moments. 

It goes down to the smallest details that you never knew you had to know until it is way too late: How they want to be remembered; what kind of flowers they want at their funeral; the kind of care they want when they are in deep pain; or even questions like whether to pull the plug or not when the time comes. 

Likewise, if anything were to happen to us, our loved ones will never know what we wanted for ourselves.

Also read: Having Stage 4 Cancer At 32 – “The Greatest Lesson In Life Is To Learn How To Die”.

In TV sitcom Kim’s Convenience, one of the main leads, Appa, once said: "We all born naked and we die naked… Depending. If we lucky."

The context of which he said that has got nothing to do with the desired way to be remembered at death, but regardless, who is to judge if one wants to leave the world naked.

Death is inevitable and although we have no control over the circumstances of our passing, there’s a lot we can consider when it comes to how we want to be remembered. This includes how we want our loved ones to take that one last ‘journey’ as they send us off at our funeral.

How will we want to be memorialised in those last moments before our body is laid to rest (or cremated) for eternity? Does it need to be grim and solemn like the funerals we have attended before, or will it be a big party that resemble our birthday bash?

I spoke to 15 millennials, and here are 10 of the most intriguing ‘dream funerals’.

1.“I’d want those attending my funeral to have fun”

It’ll be an intimate occasion with people whom I've loved and loved me to be there. They can feel free to drink alcohol and joke at my funeral. It doesn't have to be all tears, leave that for dramas. I’d want to have my body cremated and kept in an urn at home.

I’ve attended a lot of funerals (grandparents, relatives). I always end up crying and not knowing how to feel better. People also don't really take the time to recognise the good, the bad, and the ugly, and it's quite sad that most people who attend just end up sitting around.

If we all come to the world with people rejoicing, then you can also depart glamourously. I would like for my funeral to be one of those that can help change the perception of death being morbid.

- Nat, 28

2. “I am but a soul out of many that have come and passed...”

So I don’t think it’s a huge deal. I’d want my ashes to be scattered into the sea because I don’t want people to find it a need to go visit me and maintain my grave. I’d prefer it if they think about their fondest memory with me and smile whenever they visit the sea.

I imagine it to be a private affair with my immediate family. A few hours would be enough and near the sea because I want my ashes to be scattered into the sea at the end of the procession. I’d have a curated music playlist for the procession as well.

- YG, 29

3. “No one else would know of my death”

I would like it to be private with only select friends and family members invited. No one else would know of my death till after the ceremony is over.

When my dad was near death, that was how he wanted to go. Peacefully and quietly without huge fanfare or drama. I want to go out the same way too. Especially surrounded by the people who truly matter to me. Instead of people who wanted something from me.

- Aaron, 35

4. “Play ‘Highway to Hell’ As My Body Burns”

I believe by the time I reach that age, I would have lost some friends. So, I envision mine to be a small, private funeral.

I'm going to want my family to burn my body and as I burn, you'll hear the song “Highway to Hell” playing in the background. Then, my children or whoever that's left in my family will take my ashes and put it inside a f**king chio urn—must have gold and diamond on it. Then, they should keep it in a safe somewhere. In case of emergency, they can break the safe and sell the urn for money.

I don't see a point in being buried as it's such a waste of space. If you burn me and put me in an urn, I'm more portable. Also, if you ever decide to throw me away, it's much easier.

- Daniel, 25

5. “I want it to be themed: Memories”

My coffin would be green because it’s my favorite color. Many people know that I love green so they would surely be like: “Aiyo that’s so him.” I’m a sentimental person as I love holding on to many memories. I want my photos with my loved ones to be displayed all around, and all my favorite things to be around my coffin, for a nice, casual portrait of mine to be on my coffin.

Of course, I would like all my family and friends to be there. I’d also be happy for anyone who has ever spoken to me or made me smile to come.

I don’t want my funeral to just be about people mourning my death. I want people to celebrate the great moments when I was still alive. Likewise, I want my funeral to be a happy memory.

- JK, 21

6. “Life has got enough of blood, sweat, and tears”

We have put up a good fight in life through all those struggles, blood, sweat and tears, so once we leave this world, I think we should celebrate it. Life has enough of moments of tears, and when people attend my funeralI I want them to hold onto the memories of joy instead.

I want it to be a happy occasion where people are feasting, laughing, and chatting away. It will be a big affair, with anyone that I've met in my life or who have journeyed with me through significant parts of my life.

- Gloria, 29

7. “I want to leave something behind to help them with closure.”

The people in your life changes with time but of course, I'd hope for my family and close friends to be there. I’d like it to be set somewhere within nature, and for those who attend to talk and reminisce about the good times.

I’ll want to leave behind a letter or video to thank people for being in my life and also urge them to accept death as part of life and new beginnings. I think closure matters a lot, especially in helping people to grieve, move forward and accept.

- Priscilla, 21

8. “I still fear death in the sense of losing people”

I hope it will be a small, cosy gathering of family and friends whom I’ve always kept close and held dear. I hope that whoever organises my funeral will play the playlist I made for my funeral and that they’ll understand the songs I chose remind them of the good things in our lives.

When I was young, I always thought death was very scary because deaths were always portrayed as dramatic on TV. I no longer think that way but I still have the fear of death in the sense of losing people, because I get so attached to people and things. But I hope that even in my last moments in this world, people won’t feel so much pain about me leaving and still connect with me through all the people who were at the funeral. I want people to quickly move on from my death and be happy as soon as possible.

- TH, 27

9. “Remember me as the guy who can joke about death”

Big ol' celebration. I'd haunt people if my funeral ended up being a gloomy affair.

I would love to be remembered as the guy that can joke about anything, including death. Also the fact that I wasn't afraid of doing anything that I wanted.

I always wondered why people loved to mourn what is lost instead of celebrating the person's life. It's tough enough as it is. I've been to several funerals before and I've seen how painful it can be for close ones but it's often a momentarily thing for many others. I always envisioned my closest ones remembering me through The Office episodes or like a stand-up comedy. I believe it really represents who I am!

- Julius, 27

10. “If I can’t afford it, give me a cheap funeral”

I’d like to have a sending off in line with my beliefs—a Christian funeral—but I don’t want worship sessions every day, maybe just once before they cremate me.

I want to be cremated and scattered in the sea so I can be forgotten and my family won’t have to “maintain” me. Hopefully there’s good food for everyone. I really love food, like sushi, charsiew, bubble tea. If I had time to plan for my death, I want to write letters for my family and friends whom I am closer to. Some to be read out, some to be given to them in private. I hope the people who come will talk about me, and that the funeral will ease the grief for them.

But really, I know how expensive a funeral is, so if my bank account can’t pay for my own funeral. I’d want it as cheap and simple as possible.

- Bel, 21

How Do You Want Your Funeral To Be Like?

It’s hard to imagine death when we are all so busy worrying about our career, marriage, house, or kids. Even if we could, it’s morbid to discuss about it. However, judging from the majority of people who envision their funeral to be a happy occasion, our funeral should be nothing more than another party to plan. Just that this time round, it’d be the one last party we’d ever plan for ourselves, and one that we will never get to see.

Also read: The Inevitable End: What’s It Like To Grow Old In Singapore?.

(Header Image Credit: Mayron Oliveira on Unsplash)

69-year-old Mr Zhen once attempted to take his own life. “Since there’s nothing [left] to do, I may as well die.”

In my attempt to learn about the lives of elderly in Singapore, I had spoken to five other seniors in their 60s to 80s. The one thing that struck me was how there is an unspoken, but very perceptible sense of aimlessness.

In an article by The Epoch Times last year, a 2008 research article was brought up, where all 19 interviewees “reported feeling lonely or depressed, and many said they live by the day and endeavour not to think of the future.”

Where one has pretty much fulfilled the most of our life goals, like getting a job, saving up, starting our own family, or seeing our grandchildren, it can be hard to fathom that there is nothing else to look forward to.

And Mr Zhen is just one elderly person who has struggled with his thoughts of mortality as he age. There has been studies on how there are more old people who struggle with loneliness and how socially isolated seniors have a higher risk of dying prematurely.

When I visited <a href=" Home for the Aged Sick last Saturday, I got to speak to 72-year-old Winnie Koh, who has been running the nursing home as Chief Executive Officer (CEO) for more than 15 years.

She shared that one of her residents has suicidal tendencies, and had once tied bedsheets and put it around his neck in a suicide attempt. Likewise, that resident did not see a point in living, “when [to him,] he’s already 90, nearing 100 years old, and does not have the ability to do many things himself.”

This resident has also went through certain rough patches as well, as a very close female friend of his had passed away.

“I can feel the loneliness in him. He doesn’t speak to [a lot of] people.”

I asked Winnie if residents fear death.

After a short pause, Winnie explains that the elderly do not fear death per se. For the most, those who fear death fear going to hell.

However, Winnie acknowledged that there are those who struggle to let go, in the sense where they could have unresolved wishes: people they want to meet, messages they want to tell their loved ones, or something they want to complete.

32-year-old Alvin, added that having worked in the eldercare sector for about six years, he has often hear elderly regretting not treating their family members better or not better providing for them, “they definitely fear for the people and the relationships they are leaving behind.”

This is where, at a nursing home, they play up their role of caring for the residents. Winnie explains, “it’s the comfort [they need], to affirm them that they are ok, and that [whatever they want accomplished will be taken care of.] I will arrange for family members to visit. Usually they do go off peacefully after that.”

Along with the physical or cognitive impairments, the elderly face a whole set of very personal and emotional hurdles as well.

Before working in the eldercare sector, Alvin, like many of us, never understood the stubbornness and ego that many elderly have. But now that he has got a glimpse into the lives of different groups of elderly through his six years, he explains that most elderly fear losing their independence, and when an elderly go from “a provider, a giver, a successful person on their own rights losing the respect, mobility and cognitive ability they have [when they age], the frustration they are going through can be very overwhelming.”

As sad as it sounds, these seniors turn to stubbornness and ego as a way of holding on to that last bit of control that they still have.

Although, there are also “difficult ones,” those who who choose to isolate themselves, and who refuse to interact with people. In such cases, Winnie explains that in the nursing home, they still try to show the elderly their presence and care in one way or another.

Drawing similarities between elderly and babies, Winnie said, “once you make them feel safe and comfortable, they are easily cared for.”

At Moral Home, the residents may suffer from different illnesses and each, their own sets of disabilities, but Winnie tells me that most of them are generally happy.

Having reached the point where they know that they are old and are ready to die, most of them would live every day to their fullest in the little ways they can, like eating, reading, or praying.

“Once, I have this resident who [had severe dementia and] is, on the whole, a very happy person. One day, she was just resting in the lounge after her coffee, then she just said to me in Cantonese ‘I am going to sleep, bye bye.’ She never woke up after that.”

“I think it’s better that way,” Winnie said, on passing on peacefully.

When I visited the home I also got to speak to this two sisters who had sold their house to live at the nursing home.

For 82-year-old Tan Nya Nya and her 83-year-old sister, their choice to live in a nursing home is for convenience, and to ensure that they get the physical support they need at their age. This came after Nya Nya fell down once and both her sister and her realise that they were unable to manage on their own if anything were to happen. Being able to socialise with the other residents of the home are perks that they enjoy too.

Nya Nya added, on seeing residents who don’t share the same happy-go-lucky attitude she has on life, “if you naughty, throw tantrum, [your family] also won’t [feel happy to visit you]. Correct? No point [being so gloomy]. Don’t think so much. Must be happy.”

Like Nya Nya, 82-year-old Uncle Lee also have an optimistic outlook on life, despite the fact that he lives alone in a one-room flat in Toa Payoh

His daily routine includes waking up in the wee hours of dawn for a walk around the small park right beside his home, going for his meals, and watching TV. Sometimes, he would hop on a bus that would take him to Jurong, Pasir Ris, and even Changi.

As he regaled me with his accounts of these ‘mini adventures’ he goes on when he is bored, he emphasised that at his age, there is nothing much to do except eat and watch TV, “what else can I do at this age?”

When I visited him with three volunteers on a Sunday night, he had cooked a pot of Bak Kut Teh for us. And as we sat in his living room savouring the soup, I felt a little like I was in my grandmothers’ old house again.

Elderly Life Singapore

Although he lives alone, his house is filled with knickknacks. Chinese New Year decorations still adorn his walls and the side of his fridge. I couldn’t help but noticed that he also has four clocks on one wall.

“He really likes clocks. There’s more in his bedroom,” one of the volunteers laughed when I asked.

These volunteers first knew Uncle Lee through a programme initiated by Youth Corps Singapore, but have since grown closer to Uncle Lee and for the past two years, have been visiting him every month.

Elderly Life Singapore
A photo collage done by ‘Uncle Lee kids’, the group of volunteers who have grown close to Uncle Lee

Once a driver who made a livelihood off driving for commercial and private businesses, Uncle Lee retired more than 20 years ago, when he sprained his hip. This work injury, however, has become a permanent problem at 82 years old.

“I cannot really walk long distances, unless I take breaks.”

Curious about my own mortality when I reach his age and avoiding being so rude as to ask Uncle Lee - whom I just met - about how he feels about death, I asked if there is anything he fears now that he is this old.

“No lah! Scared of what? Don’t need to be scared of anything [at this age].” He jested, “Last time, scared of my mother, but mother not around already, so there’s nothing to be scared of [anymore].”

Ever since his elder sister passed away, Uncle Lee’s only other family members are his nephew and nieces, whom still visits him occasionally.

Most days however, his humble lifestyle revolves around watching TV and eating, which he loves doing.

“Uncle is a food king!” One of the volunteers teased, “whenever we go out, he will tell us what’s good and where to find good food.”

Unable to comprehend living alone at his age, I asked Uncle Lee if he ever feels lonely.

“Won’t lonely lah! [If I’m] lonely, then I’ll just watch TV, or put on a DVD, or go out and eat lunch. Lonely for what?”

His positive reply showed very much his outlook of life and in a way, it was also a reminder that happiness is a choice. He could very well dwell on what some would assume as unfortunate - he is old, never married, and living alone and off financial support from the government - but he had chosen to lead a simple and happy life instead.

A study done in 2004 found that seniors living alone were twice as likely as their peers to develop depressive symptoms. In the last stage of their lives, it can be very easy for seniors to feel frustrated and aimless.

Which is why, it is important not just for seniors to be able to adopt a positive mindset, but also for the people around them to empower them to do so.

Besides, our elderly citizens may be old and frail, but they have so much to offer in other ways.

Yong Shin, one of ‘Uncle Lee kids’ said, “They always say ‘seniors are a wealth of knowledge’, and I think [Uncle Lee] really displays that. You can tell that he really likes to share with you, about history or just whatever knowledge he has. He really likes interactions.”

And of all the conversations I have had with the seniors, the one thing that all of them have said, albeit not ad verbatim, is “we’re old already, what else can we do?”

To them, it is just better to lead a happy life and enjoy the simple things when you are already at that stage of life.

Also read: People Leave, But You Don’t Have To Be The One Left Behind.

Knock knock, it’s me, Grim. Acknowledged by only the greatest devils in history, the special Netherworldly guest from the USS’ Halloween Horror Nights 8 is none other than Gideon Grim. Having made his first appearance in HHN8 after thousands of years hunting down people who attempt to flee from death, the Grim Reaper turned Motivational Death Coach is dubbed the ‘Scariest Man Alive’.

With Halloween around the corner and us being too chicken busy for HHN8, we invited Gideon Grim himself to visit us in office. Because what other way to get a taste of HHN8 within the safety confines of our office than to meet the one man from the annual scarefest whom Satan reviewed “The only man I fear”?

MOSG x Gideon Grim
‘Twas a wonderful afternoon
Contrary to popular belief, Gideon does not encourage or teach people about death as a Motivational Death Coach. Rather the leading expert on death works to pass on his invaluable skills of the trade through his DEAD Talks seminars, where he motivates people to bring back the BOO. After Gideon showed us how he channels his inner darkness to bring out the BOO, which gave some of us a much-needed wake-me-up from the dreaded afternoon food coma, we had a chat with him to learn more about life as a Motivational Death Coach.
MOSG x Gideon Grim
Our writer smiling, but feeling nervous as hell deep inside
Who inspires you? Freddy Krueger, Michael Myers, and taxi uncles. How can we bring back our BOO? I won’t reveal too much about the four keys to highly effective scaring as you’ll have to attend my seminar to learn about that. But first, you have to have the passion to scare. Find what gives you that adrenaline rush of scaring people to discover your own scare tactics. You also have to be spontaneous, have a heart of darkness, and love cats. How about the evil laughter? How can we we cackle like you? Well, I was born into this world cackling so it's in my blood. But thinking about dark thoughts helps. For me, I think about puppies dying.   Can I scare my boss into giving me a raise? It’s a good idea but I haven’t seen anyone done that. You can definitely try but with caution, because it’s a fine line between getting the raise and getting fired. Do you get paid? I get paid in tortured screams. It’s somewhat the currency in my trade, sort of like bitcoins. Based on your experience as an ex-Grim Reaper, what scares Singaporeans the most? Not having the aircon on, MRT delays, and the general election - don’t ask me why. Do you still have your Grim Reaper getup? Yes. I still don my cloak once in awhile and the scythe makes for a good back scratcher sometimes. Will we see more of Gideon Grim around after HHN8? I do hope to hold my seminars around Singapore and around the world, to motivate more people to embrace darkness. To get people on their feet and slaughter the competition. Because we’re all big on those inspirational quotes, we we got Gideon to leave us with four pieces of inspiration for life (and death). We leave you with these four alternative motivational posters. Gideon Grim Motivational Poster Gideon Grim Motivational Poster Gideon Grim Motivational Poster Gideon Grim Motivational Poster Such words of wisdom. And what a gift it was from Gideon to grace us with his presence amidst his busy schedule, which involves feeding his cat, Muffin the Murderer, watching the news to get his daily inspiration from scary things like global warming, and scaring people.
MOSG x Gideon Grim
BOO!

If do wish to frighten yourself and catch Gideon in action and the myriad of other scares HHN8 has in store for you, good luck, have fun, and brace yourself for “infinite fear”. Get your tickets here while you still can!

Also read, Infamous Ghost Stories In Singapore’s Polytechnics And Universities – As Told By Students.