Three years ago, Yvonne lost her mum to cancer. 

She was only a secondary school student when the doctor first diagnosed her mum with breast cancer. The cancer went into remission after chemotherapy treatments and a mastectomy, but eight years later, it came back. And it was after that relapse that the labour of caring for a loved one suffering from a debilitating illness began to take a toil on Yvonne. 

The period of five years after that was one of “the most traumatic period, because I was still doing my work.” That was also a period that saw Yvonne’s sister gave birth, and the heavy responsibilities her sister had with nursing a newborn meant that Yvonne had to step up as the main caregiver to her mother, whose condition was deteriorating by the day.

“Towards the end, her treatment options sort of dwindled down. She tried quite a few treatments but developed a tolerance. It came to a point where there was one option left.”

The cancer cells had spread to her mother’s spine when they were told that the only option left was an intrathecal chemotherapy: “Which means it has to go through either the spine at the end, or they have to put this ‘tap’ at her head and I think for her, that was too much. She didn’t want that.”

Her mother was adamant about not going for that treatment. In a sense, that meant that Yvonne could only bring her mum home and watch her condition deteriorate—there was nothing much else that could be done medically.

It wasn’t hard for Yvonne to accept her mother’s death when she passed five years after the relapse, as it was something that they foresaw, “but I felt like I lost my opportunity to reconcile with her.”

“I don’t think we knew how to talk about reconciliation, especially when she was sick. It was never the right time to bring up past grievances.”

When one is dying, the emotions that accompanies being aware of one’s mortality can make it very difficult to discuss. The same goes for their loved ones, who will deal with a confusing mix of sorrow, despair, and helplessness as they watch their loved one get weaker by the day. For Yvonne, what stuck with her is not being able to have ‘that conversation’, or to properly plan her mother’s last moments together. 

“I feel like it’s important to talk about all aspects of life, and you can do that even when there’s no sickness,” she added, as she shared about why she volunteered with Both Sides, Now, a community engagement project about what it means to live well, and leave well, after her mum’s passing. 

The Importance Of Talking About Death

What if your mum is suffering from cancer and has a 50% chance of surviving if she goes for treatments, but she chooses not to go for the treatments? 

“It’s too expensive,” she tells you. “I’ll also have a 50% chance of dying, so, what for?” 

However, not going for treatments also means that she has a zero percent chance of surviving. 

Do you respect her choice, knowing that she is dying, or do you force her into going for the treatments?

This was a moral ambiguity that was very similar to what Yvonne faced, and it was a scenario that was presented at an interactive theatre show at the recent BSN event at Telok Blangah. Although hypothetical, it was a reflection of dilemmas that many people face in dealing with the last stages of their loved one’s life. 

The stakes are so high because when a loved one passed away, it’s too late. Too late for last goodbyes or last acts of love.

Those were the points that ArtsWok Collaborative’s Ngiam Su-Lin, Creative Producer of BSN, brought up when she highlighted the importance of talking about death.

“Often, when illness strikes and it’s terminal, it’s too late to plan. It can result in a lot of suffering, and when people pass on and there’s no closure, it can cause a lot of grief, loss, and conflicts in the family.”

We all die one day, and we know that. 

We are aware of how unpredictable and transient our life is, but we never talk about it. Perhaps we do occasionally, when we joke about the funeral we want for ourselves with friends. However, it is the details of what we want in our last moments that we miss out.

“We talk about giving birth and preparing for all these milestones like birthdays and first jobs, but how come when it comes to dying, we don’t talk about our fears, desires, and plans?”

Dying With Dignity With An End-Of-Life Plan

Accompanying every death are intense degrees of pain, grief, and loss—which was what Drama Box’s Artistic Director Kok Heng Leun, who is also Artistic Director of BSN, stressed when he explained the motivations behind BSN.

“People associate [death and loss] with not moving on, not going forward. But loss is such an important aspect of life.”

However, the fear of an unknown and the suffocating emotional pain makes it hard to talk about it. And mortality is such an awkward topic to bring up. It definitely isn’t something you just casually bring up to your parents like so: ‘Ma, pa, how do you want to die?’

The less we talk about it however, the more difficult it will be when a death occurs, because when you look at it objectively, it is the lack of preparation that makes it difficult. 

I particularly remember this lady (presumably in her thirties) at a previous BSN event, who amidst trying to hold back her tears, shared how she struggled with seeing her father in the last moments in his life after a sudden medical emergency. She struggled because the family never found out what he really wanted for his last moments. They never got to speak to him about it because it was just too sudden. In a way, it was a closure that she never really had, as she will never know if they did the right thing or if they did enough for him before he left. 

Our society as a whole lacks the knowledge in conducting such discussions. We see death and dying as something too grim to seriously discuss about. Yet, it is such a critical conversation to have with the most important people in our life. Because if we never have such conversations, we will never truly know what our loved ones want for their last moments. 

It goes down to the smallest details that you never knew you had to know until it is way too late: How they want to be remembered; what kind of flowers they want at their funeral; the kind of care they want when they are in deep pain; or even questions like whether to pull the plug or not when the time comes. 

Likewise, if anything were to happen to us, our loved ones will never know what we wanted for ourselves.

Also read: Having Stage 4 Cancer At 32 – “The Greatest Lesson In Life Is To Learn How To Die”.

In TV sitcom Kim’s Convenience, one of the main leads, Appa, once said: "We all born naked and we die naked… Depending. If we lucky."

The context of which he said that has got nothing to do with the desired way to be remembered at death, but regardless, who is to judge if one wants to leave the world naked.

Death is inevitable and although we have no control over the circumstances of our passing, there’s a lot we can consider when it comes to how we want to be remembered. This includes how we want our loved ones to take that one last ‘journey’ as they send us off at our funeral.

How will we want to be memorialised in those last moments before our body is laid to rest (or cremated) for eternity? Does it need to be grim and solemn like the funerals we have attended before, or will it be a big party that resemble our birthday bash?

I spoke to 15 millennials, and here are 10 of the most intriguing ‘dream funerals’.

1.“I’d want those attending my funeral to have fun”

It’ll be an intimate occasion with people whom I've loved and loved me to be there. They can feel free to drink alcohol and joke at my funeral. It doesn't have to be all tears, leave that for dramas. I’d want to have my body cremated and kept in an urn at home.

I’ve attended a lot of funerals (grandparents, relatives). I always end up crying and not knowing how to feel better. People also don't really take the time to recognise the good, the bad, and the ugly, and it's quite sad that most people who attend just end up sitting around.

If we all come to the world with people rejoicing, then you can also depart glamourously. I would like for my funeral to be one of those that can help change the perception of death being morbid.

- Nat, 28

2. “I am but a soul out of many that have come and passed...”

So I don’t think it’s a huge deal. I’d want my ashes to be scattered into the sea because I don’t want people to find it a need to go visit me and maintain my grave. I’d prefer it if they think about their fondest memory with me and smile whenever they visit the sea.

I imagine it to be a private affair with my immediate family. A few hours would be enough and near the sea because I want my ashes to be scattered into the sea at the end of the procession. I’d have a curated music playlist for the procession as well.

- YG, 29

3. “No one else would know of my death”

I would like it to be private with only select friends and family members invited. No one else would know of my death till after the ceremony is over.

When my dad was near death, that was how he wanted to go. Peacefully and quietly without huge fanfare or drama. I want to go out the same way too. Especially surrounded by the people who truly matter to me. Instead of people who wanted something from me.

- Aaron, 35

4. “Play ‘Highway to Hell’ As My Body Burns”

I believe by the time I reach that age, I would have lost some friends. So, I envision mine to be a small, private funeral.

I'm going to want my family to burn my body and as I burn, you'll hear the song “Highway to Hell” playing in the background. Then, my children or whoever that's left in my family will take my ashes and put it inside a f**king chio urn—must have gold and diamond on it. Then, they should keep it in a safe somewhere. In case of emergency, they can break the safe and sell the urn for money.

I don't see a point in being buried as it's such a waste of space. If you burn me and put me in an urn, I'm more portable. Also, if you ever decide to throw me away, it's much easier.

- Daniel, 25

5. “I want it to be themed: Memories”

My coffin would be green because it’s my favorite color. Many people know that I love green so they would surely be like: “Aiyo that’s so him.” I’m a sentimental person as I love holding on to many memories. I want my photos with my loved ones to be displayed all around, and all my favorite things to be around my coffin, for a nice, casual portrait of mine to be on my coffin.

Of course, I would like all my family and friends to be there. I’d also be happy for anyone who has ever spoken to me or made me smile to come.

I don’t want my funeral to just be about people mourning my death. I want people to celebrate the great moments when I was still alive. Likewise, I want my funeral to be a happy memory.

- JK, 21

6. “Life has got enough of blood, sweat, and tears”

We have put up a good fight in life through all those struggles, blood, sweat and tears, so once we leave this world, I think we should celebrate it. Life has enough of moments of tears, and when people attend my funeralI I want them to hold onto the memories of joy instead.

I want it to be a happy occasion where people are feasting, laughing, and chatting away. It will be a big affair, with anyone that I've met in my life or who have journeyed with me through significant parts of my life.

- Gloria, 29

7. “I want to leave something behind to help them with closure.”

The people in your life changes with time but of course, I'd hope for my family and close friends to be there. I’d like it to be set somewhere within nature, and for those who attend to talk and reminisce about the good times.

I’ll want to leave behind a letter or video to thank people for being in my life and also urge them to accept death as part of life and new beginnings. I think closure matters a lot, especially in helping people to grieve, move forward and accept.

- Priscilla, 21

8. “I still fear death in the sense of losing people”

I hope it will be a small, cosy gathering of family and friends whom I’ve always kept close and held dear. I hope that whoever organises my funeral will play the playlist I made for my funeral and that they’ll understand the songs I chose remind them of the good things in our lives.

When I was young, I always thought death was very scary because deaths were always portrayed as dramatic on TV. I no longer think that way but I still have the fear of death in the sense of losing people, because I get so attached to people and things. But I hope that even in my last moments in this world, people won’t feel so much pain about me leaving and still connect with me through all the people who were at the funeral. I want people to quickly move on from my death and be happy as soon as possible.

- TH, 27

9. “Remember me as the guy who can joke about death”

Big ol' celebration. I'd haunt people if my funeral ended up being a gloomy affair.

I would love to be remembered as the guy that can joke about anything, including death. Also the fact that I wasn't afraid of doing anything that I wanted.

I always wondered why people loved to mourn what is lost instead of celebrating the person's life. It's tough enough as it is. I've been to several funerals before and I've seen how painful it can be for close ones but it's often a momentarily thing for many others. I always envisioned my closest ones remembering me through The Office episodes or like a stand-up comedy. I believe it really represents who I am!

- Julius, 27

10. “If I can’t afford it, give me a cheap funeral”

I’d like to have a sending off in line with my beliefs—a Christian funeral—but I don’t want worship sessions every day, maybe just once before they cremate me.

I want to be cremated and scattered in the sea so I can be forgotten and my family won’t have to “maintain” me. Hopefully there’s good food for everyone. I really love food, like sushi, charsiew, bubble tea. If I had time to plan for my death, I want to write letters for my family and friends whom I am closer to. Some to be read out, some to be given to them in private. I hope the people who come will talk about me, and that the funeral will ease the grief for them.

But really, I know how expensive a funeral is, so if my bank account can’t pay for my own funeral. I’d want it as cheap and simple as possible.

- Bel, 21

How Do You Want Your Funeral To Be Like?

It’s hard to imagine death when we are all so busy worrying about our career, marriage, house, or kids. Even if we could, it’s morbid to discuss about it. However, judging from the majority of people who envision their funeral to be a happy occasion, our funeral should be nothing more than another party to plan. Just that this time round, it’d be the one last party we’d ever plan for ourselves, and one that we will never get to see.

Also read: The Inevitable End: What’s It Like To Grow Old In Singapore?.

(Header Image Credit: Mayron Oliveira on Unsplash)