At some point in our lives, we would have heard a senior say they’d rather die than live in a nursing home. I’ve also wondered: are nursing homes really that bad in modern day Singapore?
Awhile back, I visited Moral Home for the Aged Sick (Moral Home) on my quest to understand the problems that our elderly face in their golden years. I met two sisters who had, surprisingly, chosen to sell their house and to live there at the nursing home.
The unexpected decision came after one of them fell, making them rethink their living arrangement—two frail woman would not be able to cope should any emergency situations arise. After considering the risks and for their own safety, they decided to put themselves in a nursing home they trust.
Initially, they even chose to hide this from their family members as they knew that it will be met with disapproval, and they didn’t want to be persuaded to go home.
One of the sisters said “Back then, my nephew tried to stop us from coming here. They encourage us to stay with them, because they can take care of us. We tell them not to worry, because we are very happy here.”
The other sister added: “I tell them, youngsters nowadays should work hard, don’t worry about us.”
I was brought up to see nursing homes as a terrible place, yet there I was, speaking to two 80 plus year olds who tells me that they like it there. I was in mild disbelief, but also heartened to know that I may be wrong about my impression of nursing homes.
There’s a stigma that we attach to placing loved ones in nursing homes. Nobody will want to send their parents to homes if they can afford to and any decent Singaporean will tell you that they will only consider it a last resort.
A part of this stigma comes from our strong attachment to our cultural values of being responsible for our parents welfare. As Asians, old adages like “Never forget your roots,” and “Don't bite the hand that feeds you” continue to form the backbone of what is essentially our emphasis on filial piety.
We hold ourselves accountable for our parents’ lives when they grow old, and because of that, we associate sending a loved one to a nursing home as abandonment. We think of it as the most unfilial and shameful act one can do to our parents.
I remember only ever being in a nursing home or old folks home twice. The first was a compulsory CIP programme in primary school, and the second was to me, just a fun activity with a bunch of my polytechnic friends who organised it.
The only thing I remember taking away from those volunteering stints was also that I never want to send my parents there, ever, if I could. The ambiance there was just so dull, sad, and dreary. At least, these were the only parts that stuck out in my memory.
For most of us, these volunteer experiences will also probably be the only firsthand experience we base our impression upon. That is, until we are actually faced with having to consider these homes for our own loved ones.
However, when I was at Moral Home, I had the opportunity to speak to its Chief Executive Officer, Winnie, who changed my perspective.
At 72, she is well into her retirement years, but has been serving there for more than 15 years. Despite being at an age comparable to the residents in her home, she tells me that this job has become a commitment she made as she has grown attached to the residents.
Some families put their loved ones in a nursing home due to their inability to provide adequate care for their elderly parents who are ill, disabled, or require 24/7 attention, which is where nursing homes like hers come in.
“Nursing care is to give comfort. To ensure that in the last phase of [the residents’] life, we can make them happy before they pass on.”
However, Winnie acknowledges that there are cases of abandonment. In her home, these make up about a third of her residents.
“They don’t have a direct next-of-kin. Some of them don’t have children. Some may have nieces or nephews who aren’t close to them.”
There are also residents who struggle with coming to terms with being put in a home.
"Some don’t want to talk to their children when they do visit. There are also residents who would pack their stuff and want to go home everyday."
To alleviate such unsettling feelings in her residents, Winnie dedicates time to make her rounds every morning. This is also her way of giving residents “the comfort and hopefully a little strength” in knowing that there are still people who care for and love them.
Alvin, a social welfare worker who has been working in elderly homes, shared that such cases of abandonment happen more often than we would like to think. Over the years, he has seen numerous cases of family members doing their best, to place their parents in shelters homes, only to disappear.
“An unforgettable experience was this very well spoken and groomed lady, whom over the course of a couple of months, did her best to admit her dad, making frequent visits to the nursing home to speak to staff and to show us that she has a loving relationship with her dad.
Yet, less than a month after admission, she lost contact with us. After trying to contact her, we realised she had migrated with her family members to Canada.”
It is exactly such cases that makes a mockery of nursing homes and undermines its bigger purpose.
Besides the 24/7 general and medical attention, another aspect of nursing homes is to provide residents opportunities for social interaction.
In Singapore, it is “estimated that 83,000 elderly persons will be living alone by 2030, compared with the 47,000 seniors aged 65 and above in 2016.” There have been many reports highlighting the higher risk of social isolation and depression in elderly persons living alone.
Even elderly persons who live with their family face the risk of loneliness and depression, because most adults spend a large part of our days at work, leaving our elderly parents at home alone.
The extroverted ones aren’t a problem, but the ones who do not venture out to engage in their own community of friends at neighbourhood spaces or through community centre activities will face problems with healthy aging. The lack of social stimulation could easily cause their cognitive and physical abilities to deteriorate.
On my way to the Home, I also happened to meet Mr Lim, my Grab driver, who bemoaned about his wife and his painful decision to send his mother-in-law to a nursing home.
They had tried looking after his ailing mother-in-law as best they could, even hiring a maid to ensure that there was someone around when they were at work. However, his mother-in-law’s worsening dementia condition and erratic behaviour continued to overwhelm the couple.
For instance, they had to attend to his mother-in-law rattling their door and asking for help to find all sorts of the things in the middle of the night. The need for constant care and attention took a toil on them over time as they were both juggling a full-time job. It was with a heavy heart that they put his mother-in-law in a nursing home, which he emphasised “it was really, really hard for my wife.”
Mr Lim’s story is the classic case of the many Singaporeans who have taken to nursing homes as a last resort. For them, what makes it even more difficult is the stigma, judgment, and shame that they would have to face when they put their parents in a nursing home.
Of course, as with the case of any service-oriented industries, there have been and will always be real cases of mistreatment and abuse at nursing homes. It isn’t to say that all nursing homes are negligent or abusive.
At the end of the day, there are also cons to institutionalised care like nursing homes, like a loss of freedom or autonomy, because residents will be restricted to the confines of what the home draws out for them.
However, there are many other aged care facilities like senior activity centres, daycare and healthcare centres, and in-home care.
29-year-old Mel, who have volunteered at day care centres and nursing homes before, said, “I think the most ideal scenario would be for those in old folks' homes to have volunteered to go there, be it for companionship or having medical support.”
It does get complicated if the elderly persons refuse to be put in a nursing home, and it’s never easy to have to decide what's right and wrong when it gets so personal. It's even harder when you have to deal with the torment and guilt of having to go against your parents’ wishes.
Regardless, the purpose of nursing home is to make the last journey of elderly’s life safe, comfortable, and ensure their needs and wants are taken care of as much as possible.
As much as we have to complain about, these homes are another avenue for us to provide care for our parents.
People say that it’s a terrible place as it’s where children abandon their parents. But if a child has already got the intention to abandon their parent, isn’t it as sad for these elderly persons to continue living in a home where they are unwanted? How much better will such a life be?
Similarly, if one really has to put one's parents in nursing homes for the genuine good of one's parents and family, it doesn’t mean we’re any less of a decent person and a filial child.
Also read: It’s The 21st Century, Why Do We Still Treat Maids Like Slaves?.
(Header Image Credit: Kanal 247)
When I was 6, my dad cheated on my mom.
I will never forget my sister’s arms covering mine like a seatbelt as we watched Mom chase Dad out of the house. I didn’t understand what was going on back then and was way too young to grasp the concept of cheating. It just seemed like Mom and Dad had a fight about something.
Inevitably, that led to a divide in the family, and we pretty much lived without my dad for a few years.
Dad came home when I was about 10 to 12. Although, his presence was always fleeting. I’d see him around at home on some days and then for long periods after, he would go missing again.
It didn’t feel right, but nobody said anything. Nothing about the affair (which I came to understand much later on), nothing about this unusual arrangement, or what was happening between Mom and Dad. There was no “our Dad is an idiot” uttered among my siblings, no “your Mom and Dad are separating” from the elders, nothing.
As much as I thought things were odd, I learnt not to question anything and to just accept the way things were. Over time, what is supposedly a broken family developed into a norm for me.
However, I also believe that a bad husband doesn’t necessarily make for a bad father.
In fact, he played a crucial role in my childhood and through all the times I’ve spent with him, he had ingrained in me many inherent attributes, albeit a mixture of good and bad ones.
Ever since I could walk, my dad was training me to kick a ball, and kick a ball I sure did. Like his father, he was a semi-pro footballer in the past, and I am very grateful that he had put me into an academy school for football at a very young age, for football has become a huge part of my life, even after 20 years on.
On the days where nobody was sporting enough to bring me out, Dad would whisk me off for some entertainment, taking me out for meals and spoiling me at arcades.
On other days, however, he would bring me out bar-hopping. Not the hipster bars that our millennial friends would chill and have deep conversations at either, but the shady ones with the flirty bargirls, heavy cigarette smoke, and sometimes god-awful karaoke.
Looking back, these bars were extremely inappropriate places for a father to bring his twelve-year-old son. But this was (in his own words) his way of ‘opening my eyes’ and ‘broadening my horizons’.
“If I can’t teach you good, I can at least teach you the bad.”
I was just twelve when I saw the world of bar girls taking orders from men who would eye them up. And when my dad flirting with different women became normalised behaviour, masked under the guise of ’friendly conversations’. Conversations that my dad would say, “talking cock” and “all in good fun.”
As a quiet kid by nature, I mostly observed those chummy interactions and minded my own business.
My dad introduced me to pool, and I’d always look forward to being back at the pool table—that became part of the only reason why I looked forward to going out with him later on.
Over time, I started to notice that there was this one lady who would approach my father on many days. As a kid, I didn’t really think too much into what that meant, except that she was my father’s companion for the night.
Then one day, my father asked me to call this lady Mom.
I cannot even begin to explain the mix of confusion and perturbation that put me in.
I know my mom, and she’s the woman who has been taking care of me since young, and whom loves me with all that she has. This lady, on the other hand, was someone who gets chummy with Dad on certain nights at the bar. How am I to call her Mom?
At the same time, I had no idea what it meant for my dad to do that.
It messed my mind up about what love is, how relationships work and what is morally right. It messed me up knowing that I had been practically watching my dad spending time with his mistress(es) thinking that it was no big deal. And to realise this whole other world that my dad had been living while my mom was back at home, slogging to look after her three children by herself. Are relationships like that? I didn’t remember it being like that in shows or anywhere else.
Looking back, I definitely I would have stood up to him if only I knew.
If only I knew.
Since young, the phrase “no matter what, he is still your father” has been reiterated to me by my aunts, my uncles, and even my mom. And for the entirety of my childhood, I truly believed that my father was my father no matter what.
Despite all the shady activities and mistresses, I still saw him as a father. I appreciated having him around and genuinely believe that in his mind, this (bringing me into his world of bars and girls) was his way of getting closer to me.
The fact that we share quite a few similarities and him having imparted various skills that turned into personal passions of mine helped maintain that somewhat positive image I had of him.
As the only person that he let in on a side of him that no one else knew, I also saw myself as the potential bridge to making my family whole again (once again, because family should stay together right?).
I had even rationalised that perhaps, all the time he had spent with me was a cry for help. As the only family member who was close to him, I felt like I was able to break him out of his unhealthy habits at some point.
Unfortunately, it was all wishful thinking because what was a father-son relationship to me was to my dad, something that he could exploit. At least, that was what it seems when I picked up a call in late 2016.
“Where the f**k is your father?! Owe money don’t need to pay ah? If don’t pay back by 5pm, I’ll burn your house down!”
After the initial state of confusion, it hit me that my dad had given his son’s (my) personal details to a loan shark.
The most wrong I’ve done to him was probably stealing from his piggy bank (maybe it’s karma), but there I was as the guarantor for him to loan sharks. It was one of the worst feelings in the world, and I felt absolutely betrayed.
Soon enough, my family learnt that Dad had owed 21 loan sharks a total sum of $35,000.
Besides the loan sharks, he had also sold my insurance for money, and used my name for a telco plan, which racked up a debt of $900. When my family confronted him about it, his response was, “let them sue, they wouldn’t dare.”
With the help of my relatives, my family eventually paid off all the debts in hopes of closing this chapter, as my dad promised to do. And for a moment, I really thought that that was it for drama.
Then, just last month, I received a series of messages looking for my father. Again. From loan sharks.
It was barely three years ago that we paid off all his debts, but my father had let us relive all of those feelings of confusion, fear, worry, and heartbreak all over again. All for money which we have no idea what he needed for.
I used to love my father for the moments that he had brought to my life. For the times that he taught me football (even though the methods aren’t the best), how he introduced me to playing pool, which I’m good at now, and for just being around in his own, unorthodox way.
These skills and moments, however, do not even come close to justifying what he has done to my mom, my family, and me.
Not only has he broken our heart so many times, he had, through exposing me to the world of bargirls and flirting in my formative years, given me a warped belief system. I’ve had to relearn what it is like to love and to learn how to differentiate the ‘rights’ and ‘wrongs’ in relationships—not just romantic ones. I've hurt many people because of that and I beat myself over it.
For a long time, I struggled with coming to terms with having him as my father, and I cannot deny the many times I blamed him and wondered what I did to deserve a father like him.
I believe there are many things that contributed to how he turned out. Maybe it was his upbringing, or something that messed him up when he was young, but something should have contributed to him being this way. But for the most part, this man did not treat me like his son and I cannot possibly blindly accept that blood is thicker than water like I have been brought up to believe.
Learning to accept that has given me peace that I did not have for a long time. Lacking a ‘proper’ fatherly figure definitely affected my life but I’m thankful to have moved on mentally.
The whole concept of a traditionally-complete family is lost to me, but I’m happy to say that my family is as complete as it needs to be now. I have my mom and my siblings who love every bit of me, and whom I love as dearly. That is all I need from a family.
Also read: We Live Under One Roof, But We Don’t Feel Like Family At All.
(Header Image Credit: Ian Tormo on Unsplash)
My dad wasn’t supposed to come home at that time, but there he was, and he saw Tim. What followed was an awkward conversation in the lift with my dad. "Who is that boy?" "He's just a friend." He obviously didn’t buy that. I mean, which guy friend would send a girl home without any particular reason right? When we reached home, his exact words to my mom were, “you should ask your daughter to bring her boyfriend home next time.” I sighed as I shut myself in my room, ignoring whatever conversation my parents were going to have. Well, shit. That was it. There was no point trying to hide it anymore. A million thoughts ran through my mind. On one hand, I was relieved, but there were so many worries that came after: Were my parents going to disown me? Were they going to tell every living relative about how I've brought shame to their family name? Were they going to force me to break up with Tim?F**K.
I didn’t look at his race when I fell in love, I fell in love with the person he is.I tried to convince them that it didn’t matter that he was Chinese. But they were adamant on the same thing – “He’s not a Hindu”. They refused to see him for who he is as a person. They only saw him as not Hindu. I was frustrated and hurt. They hadn't even met him and they were already dismissing him and our relationship. They wouldn't even give him a chance just because of his race. It was illogical, but at the same time, expected. My family has always been conservative. My parents never outrightly forbade me from dating a Chinese but it was heavily implied that bringing home a boy of a different race was frowned upon. On the other hand, Tim's parents knew about our relationship and have accepted me as part of the family a long time ago. I had found a second family in them, joining them for significant family gatherings like Chinese New Year dinner and birthday parties. I love my parents, but even I have to admit they can be pretty racist. Over the years, my mother would make comments on how Indians are better than other races, how we are more "elite". I'm not entirely sure where this racism stems from. Having known Hindus who converted out of their faith, she might have feared that her children will do that too. Perhaps that's why she would always tell my brother and I, “no matter what, don’t tarnish my religion.”
They wanted me to to think about a relationship that they didn't see a future in. Me being me, I told her to think about it too. It might have felt like a 'power move' when she dished that out but the two-year ultimatum seems like a joke now. To me, it felt like an excuse for my parents to not deal with it. Because I had thought about it, about everything that could possibly cause a conflict between us, and race and religion were the last things on that list. Because of this ultimatum, my life and relationship with Tim have come to a standstill for the next two years. While my friends are applying for a BTO, getting engaged, or making wedding plans, all I’ll be able to do is look at my Facebook feed and sigh over the predicament my parents had put me in.“I’m giving you two years to think about it. We’ll talk about this then.”
How is anyone to choose between the person you want to spend your future with and the people who brought you into this world and to the person you are today? I owe my parents everything and I can't possibly build a future without them in it. Neither can I picture a future without my current partner. I don't mean to sound melodramatic but let's face it, many of us do things just for our parents. It could be something like going to a school our parents preferred or having children because our parents want us to. We do these things out of filial piety, even though it may not be what we really want. Sometimes I wonder, "why can't my parents just be happy in the fact that I'm happy?" In a world where it's difficult to find someone you are committed to love and whom is committed to love you back, it's a wonder I had found it at all. It's been 6 months since they gave me the ultimatum, which means I have another 1.5 years to hope for my parents to have a change of heart. For them to realise that when it comes down to it, race or religion does not and should not define us or our relationship. And I really pray that I will not have to choose between a 6 year relationship with a partner I see my future with and family. *Name has been changed to protect the identity of the individuals. Also read: It’s 2018 – Why Are We Still Paying Wedding Dowries?."How am I to choose between my partner and my parents?"
When I had trouble catching up on my studies, I hid it from my parents. When it came to matters of the heart and having my heart broken by the guys I dated, I turned to friends instead. When I was lost and confused about life after graduation, I turned to Google for advice. My parents didn’t deserve to be disappointed, and I never felt comfortable to share. Call it pride, call it fear but it was never a natural way of my life to talk about my feelings and emotions with my parents so openly. And now that I’m a working adult with my own social circles and partner, there are more distractions and lesser reasons for me to talk with my parents. Perhaps we were just that stereotypical Asian family who avoided complicated topics and shunned from anything related to sex. When I asked why I was growing hair at my nether regions, my mother would tell me that it is because I didn’t wash my vagina clean enough. When I had my first period and asked why we (girls) had periods, my dad said it’s just something that makes you an ‘official woman’. They never elaborated more than that and I never probed. Sometimes I wonder if this is why I’m so gullible today. However, the ‘Asian culture’ was stronger during my parents’ days and yet they still remain close to their siblings. Even though we all live separate lives, every family gathering filled our home with warmth and energy, there was always laughter and chatter. Perhaps this is the legendary kampong spirit that everyone talks about. What happened with my generation then? Perhaps it’s because life was much simpler then. In place of movies or video games, entertainment was playing marbles or fives stones with siblings or the neighbours’ kids. Social gatherings meant you had to interact with people instead of being on your phone. As much as it feels distant, the thought of losing my parents still scares me. Besides the pain of never seeing them again, I worry that losing them would also mean losing the only thing that holds my brother and I together. We were raised by the same parents and only two years apart, but we couldn’t be more different. We have led two very separate lives and we barely look alike – we were never close, not when we were young and not now. I knew a girl in my secondary school who had a brother I wished I had. He was a senior in our school and he’d always walk her home. Even when my friend stayed back for CCAs or simply to hang out with her friends, her brother would wait in school until she was done. I wanted that protective and cool brother who would not only be my guardian angel if someone shoots rubber bands at me but would also teach me how to fire these rubber bands back with twice the power. Instead, most of the interactions I had with my brother involved us fighting between ourselves. Now that we’re older, my brother makes an effort to communicate and connect with me despite working and living in another country most of the year, but it never feels right. We speak in different languages and our conversations lack depth but I still hope that eventually my brother and I will find a connection we never had. I just hope my brother believes it, too. After all, blood is always thicker than water. Also read, 12 S’poreans Reveal The Most Endearingly Embarrassing Habits Of Their Mums.My parents’ love for my sibling and I is undeniable, but so is the ever-growing gap between us.
Watch Episode 1 of Channel NewsAsia's Back to School <a href="
The experiment gave invaluable insights into 10 average Singaporeans' lives and proved that despite the huge age gaps, friendship is possible.
While the episodes presented very interesting and endearing interactions between the Secondary school teenagers and their elderly partners, we wanted to find out more about what went on behind the scenes.
We spoke to Riddhi, Louise, and the production team. Here’s how they succeeded in making friends out of strangers who are generations apart.
Breaking The Barriers
Like most teens, Riddhi has no clear direction in life yet. She doesn’t fit in with peers in her school either, and prefers her world of fan fiction and indie music.
As for ex-headhunter Louise, most of her time is spent on church activities and picking up different interests like crochet (to help with her Parkinson’s) and acro-aerobics (to keep herself fit).
Naturally, it took a bit of time to warm up to each other over the palpable age barrier.
“She was shy, tall, and thin,” Louise recalled, “she reminded me of myself when I was younger, and I knew that I’ll need to be patient if I want her to open up.”
Similarly, Riddhi felt nervous and a little bit awkward to be meeting someone she knew nothing about.
Then, things got a lot easier when the pair found out that they’re both bookworms.
Speaking to Louise over the phone, I could picture Louise smiling as she shared a fond memory of when they were getting to know each other, “Riddhi even brought me around her school library and we picked out books together.”
Becoming Friends
Despite the challenges in accommodating to each other’s needs, Riddhi and Louise grew to not only embrace, but help each other in their weaknesses.
In an Escape Room game, Riddhi went out of her way to lift Louise up as Louise was having a bit of trouble with her weak legs. It was there that Louise saw a different side of Riddhi: that she isn’t that shy after all.
As for Riddhi’s lack of confidence, Louise managed to break down the walls and got her to be more vocal about her inner thoughts and feelings.
More Than Just Companionship
Having set out to test the success of intergenerational friendship researches done in US and Japan, the producers were “quite apprehensive about whether a simple friendship could make a difference, but the results showed a definite improvement.”
Not just for Riddhi and Louise, but the seniors from the other pairs also showed significant improvements in fitness, memory and mood, while the teenagers got a massive boost in self-esteem and a better attitude towards life. The pairs also formed real friendships and saw the other generation in a significantly better light.
“She taught me to be more responsible and punctual,” Riddhi said. “(And) she opened up my eyes to how teenage girls today are like,” Louise added.
Now, besides writing stories, reading books, or going for piano lessons, Riddhi would hang out with Louise. And Louise is more than happy to spend quality time with Riddhi, “Riddhi would actually call me and ask me if she can spend the day with me. I’d cook for her and we’d just talk about anything under the sun as we ate.”
Best Friends Forever?
Now that the 10-week ‘project’ has ended, how do Riddhi and Louise see each other?
While Riddhi sees Louise as a good friend whom she can share problems with, Louise thinks of herself as Riddhi’s surrogate mother without the parental control, “I think Riddhi trusted me as an outsider, that’s why she shared her worries with me. It’s easier to share your problems to outsiders than to your own parents.”
What is the secret to their surprising bond?
“Listen, listen, and listen,” Louise emphasised, “seniors must take the first step to reach out, and don’t rush to impose or impart your knowledge until the young ones are ready to listen. Be patient.”
And for the young ones, “Don’t judge someone just because of their age,” Riddhi shared.
Watch the 10-week journey of Riddhi, Louise, and the other senior-teenager pairs on Channel NewsAsia’s Back to School <a href="
This story is written in collaboration with Channel NewsAsia.
Also read, These 14 Heartwarming Stories Show That A Mother’s Love Is Like No Other.
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