I remember a time when we used to refer to the LGBTQ+ community as simply, the gay community. Later, we began using the term 'LGBT' at large, and then LGBTQ, or even LGBTQIA. Today, this list has grown tremendously and is now more inclusive than ever. To some, it’s liberating. To others, it’s just plain confusing. Even when I asked a pool of friends consisting of both straight and non-straight people, no one could name every gender and sexual identity in the LGBTQ+ community. I wasn't surprised. There were so many after all. So, how many labels exactly are there and what do they all mean? I Googled to find out exactly how long the ‘+’ in the acronym LGBTQ+ ran. The most popular acronym I came across is LGBTTQQIAAP. So. Many. Letters. Confused? I was too. To help you out, I dug a little bit more to find out what each alphabet stands for and what it means to identify yourself as one of them. Let’s start with the basics. L is for Lesbian A lesbian, as we all know by now, is a female who is attracted to another female. G is for Gay The word 'gay' has been used to refer to the community in general over the years. But more accurately, a gay is a male who is attracted to other males. B is for Bisexual A bisexual is someone who’s attracted to both men and women. T is for Transgender Not to be confused with transsexual, a transgender is someone who identifies as the opposite gender. One thing to note: Unlike the three labels above, the term transgender is used to describe someone's gender identity, not to be confused with their sexual orientation/identity. Many tend to confuse the two and use them interchangeably. Your sexual orientation describes who you're romantically attracted to (who you wake up with), while your gender identity is how you identify yourself (who you wake up as) - male, female, a combination of male and female or none. For example, if someone identifies as transgender, that’s their gender identity, but when someone identifies as gay, that’s his sexual identity. T is for Transsexual A transsexual, unlike a transgender, is someone who has physically altered themselves to match the gender they identify as. Q is for Queer Through the years, ‘queer’ has been considered to be offensive and a derogatory term to some people in the community. In the 1950s, the word was used as a slur in reference to the LGBTQ+ community. Today, it is largely used and also the most inclusive word on this list. The acronym LGBTQ is still the most commonly used acronym when talking about the community as it argues that queer is an all-inclusive term for the lesser-known labels that follow after 'LGBT'. Q is for Questioning Questioning refers to a person who is still confused about their sexual or gender identity. I is for Intersex If someone identifies as an intersex, they are someone who is born with both male and female biological characteristics. An intersex person could have been born with chromosomes different from XX (male) and XY (female). S/he could, for example, have been born with the chromosome of XXY. An intersex could also be someone who’s born with genitals that are totally male or female, but their internal organs don’t match (such as having a vagina but no uterus). A is for Asexual Asexual refers to someone who has no sexual feelings or desires for anyone. A is for Ally An ally is a person who identifies as heterosexual but supports and fights for the LGBTQ+ community. P is for Pansexual Often confused with bisexual, a pansexual is someone who can be attracted to someone regardless of their gender or sexual identity. Unlike a bisexual, they can also be attracted to a transgender, transsexual, intersex, and more.

THE IMPORTANCE OF LABELS

Following the age-old debates surrounding LGBT messages, there are two types of people with regards to having so many labels. There are those who believe these labels are important in the fight for LGBTQ+ rights, and there are others who feel that the 'never-ending' list of labels is just becoming plain ridiculous. In the new wave of terminology, we're also hearing words like polyamorous, demisexual, genderqueer, two-spirit and a whole lot more. If you're wondering if it'll ever end, I'd say probably not. I wanted to go beyond learning the definition of these terms, which for all you know, I could've gotten from Wiktionary. To get a better understanding on the importance of these labels, I spoke to some people from the LGBTQ+ community and asked how they felt about having so many labels. Of the five queer people I spoke to, four believed that labels are crucial to the community and society as a whole. According to Lorraine*, who identifies as pansexual, the various labels help those who are trying to figure themselves out in the early stage of finding their sexuality. She admits that the labels can be quite confusing, but having them allow individuals to find themselves. And if these individuals wish to label themselves, they can. Sean, a gay man and the founder of Dear Straight People, says that labels are not only important to give the community a means of identity and belonging, but in helping the general public make sense of the LGBTQ+ community. But he also adds that he doesn't want people to see him just for his sexual identity.

NECESSARY OR JUST GETTING TOO MUCH?

While these labels fight for inclusivity, they have also become a subject for mockery in society. These labels can seem like a bit ‘too much’, not just for straight people, but for some queer people as well. They believe these labels make it difficult to normalise LGBTQ+. Tim*, a gay Singaporean, feels that in a society that already judges them for being who they are, these labels give people an opportunity to criticise them further. His experience with trying to explain the terminologies to his friends often results in looks of confusion, which made his straight friends less interested and more reluctant to learn about it. It didn't help that he would hear people passing comments like "wah you all damn extra." I also spoke to a few straight people to hear what they thought of these labels - do the labels help them understand queers better? Andy*, a straight male, feels that labels are difficult to understand for someone not in the LGBTQ+ community. Not only because there are so many labels, but also because he prefers to be acquainted with someone for who they are and not because of a label that he may not understand completely. Even if he does understand, it's hard to remember so many labels. As a straight female myself, I disagree. For me, these labels make it simpler to understand a person. It not only informs me about their sexual identity, I'm more aware of their struggles. It also helps me differentiate a transgender from a transsexual, for example. The fact that these labels are made fun of or are a target for mockery only tells me that there's still a long battle to be fought for the LGBTQ+ community. These labels might not be as crucial to someone like me. But for the vast majority of the queer community, these labels give a powerful sense of acceptance and belonging. Just like any other labels we use to identify ourself with - male, female, millennial, Chinese, Malay, Indian - we have to remember that they are there for a reason. We cannot deny that they give recognition to a group that has been marginalised since its inception. If these labels exist to help a group of individuals find self-acceptance in a complex world, perhaps we should respect that. So what do you think? Are labels are an important part of the LGBTQ+ society? Also read, We Fight For The Freedom To Love, But Is Singapore Really Ready To Accept LGBT? (Header Image Credit: Chek Yong - Travel Photography via Pink Dot 2017)

The ‘gay best friend’ has made an appearance in various chick flicks – Damian from Mean Girls and Christian from Clueless, heck there’s even a movie released in 2013 titled G.B.F. Although they stereotype the gay community as flamboyant gossip queens, we’re not here to shed light on the media’s lack of representation. Most of us know that not all gay men are effeminate and sassy. In fact, having an openly homosexual friend doesn't raise eyebrows anymore. It has even been proven that straight women find a greater sense of comfort and trust in their friendships with gay men than fellow gal pals.

It was my gay best friend's birthday a few weeks back and I was about to post a photo of us on Instagram with a sappy caption until I realised how much we looked like a couple. I was sitting on his lap, both of us looking flushed from the drinks, all ready for ZoukOut. Research shows that compared to men, women are touchier with people they are close to, so it's normal for them to hug their close friends, exchange the occasional cheek kisses or hold hands while hanging out. I am no exception. Before my friend asked for advice on the huge fight she had with her long time lover about going overseas alone with her gay friend, I never had a reason to question my own behaviour with my gay best friend. Turns out, all my friends have extremely differing views on whether the physical intimacy between gay men and straight women are an exception to the rules governing a monogamous relationship. We can't blame our boyfriends for being protective, but is this too much?

How It Looks

Back when we had more time for each other, my Instagram feed was filled with photos of my gay best friend and I, always with our hands wrapped around each other's waist. Since I wasn't attached and he wasn't completely out of the closet, people assumed he was my new hot date. As flamboyant and effeminate as they might be, a gay man doesn't have defining 'gay' features. If pictures are enough to make my friend and I a couple, an intimate hug or interlocking fingers in public will definitely look bad on my beau. I didn't post the photo in the end because I didn't want my relationship to be subjected to unnecessary judgement. It won't be fair for my boyfriend to defend my reputation and our relationship against his close friends and family, too.

Born This Way

When I asked a few other guys to comment on the matter, “What if he changes his mind about being gay?” is the most common concern they have. Don't be too quick to call them bigots, let’s not forget that YouTube star Gigi Gorgeous came out of the closet three times – first as gay, then as trans and after she broke up with her one-year boyfriend, she came out as lesbian.

Discovering gender and sexuality is a journey. We live in an era of non-binary gender identities and the freedom to love whoever we want. That makes, "Is he really gay?" a valid concern. Although I reassured my friends that a more likely possibility to worry about is the girlfriend developing a crush on her best friend instead. I cite the various forums and articles of girls fessing up on falling in love with a gay man as reference.

Same Same But Different

On these same forums, many talked about how boyfriends should think of gay friends as just another female. Is kissing your gay friend really the same as kissing one of your girlfriends though? Let's not strip a man of his masculinity just because he shares your preference for dicks – gender orientation and sexual orientation are different. Your gay friend deserves to be respected like the man he identifies to be, regardless of how "limp-wristed" he is. If your boyfriend objects to the physical aspects of your friendship with a gay man, it also means he respects your best friend as a man sans his sexual preference. That's why he may be upset to catch you sitting on someone else's lap – as innocent as the intention was.

Commitment

Then there's the "but we've been friends for so long already," and "it didn't mean anything." While tongue wrestling with a platonic friend and having one night stands have no emotional sentiments, it definitely meant something. Physical intimacy is a big factor in a relationship and it becomes void of its exclusivity if you get too touchy with anyone else. In the end, every relationship is defined only by the two people involved – where do you and your partner draw the line on skinship with other people? Also read, I Like Guys And Girls But My Religion Says It’s Unacceptable.

Figuring out my sexuality was a struggle. As most LGBTQ will attest, there are no surefire signs, no criteria, no checkboxes you can go through to determine whether or not you’re it. The only way to figure it out is to live your life, feel what you feel, and eventually, piece it all together—at least that’s how it happened for me.

Just A Phase?

Growing up, I was always a tomboy. I went to an all girls’ primary school and my schoolmates would often tease me and make fun of me for it. At the time, I thought nothing of it. When I was 10, I became really close to a girl. We were best friends in school and would hang out together all the time. I felt like I liked her more than just a friend. But of course, at that age, I didn’t understand it. Thereafter, I had some innocent crushes on girls as a pre-teen and teenager, but I didn’t think too much of that either. As I was trying to understand why I had such feelings, I spoke to my mum and siblings about these girl crushes. We all believed it was a phase I would eventually grow out of. As I grew older, I had my fair share of guy friends, but I never liked them as more than just bros. And as time went by, I gradually realized that I was different.

Keeping A Part Of Me A Secret

It was a very different time back when I thought I might be gay. It wasn’t a big social issue. There was very little talk about sexuality in the media and in society, and not many people were gay—at least, not that I was aware of. I didn’t personally know anyone who was gay. Because it seemed so rare back then, I worried constantly about how people would perceive me and treat me if they found out I was gay. I was also afraid of how it would affect the people around me; I was scared that people would treat the ones close to me differently because of their friendship with me. As a teenager, whenever I went to church, I felt like I had to change. I tried to change, tried to feel differently. And when I couldn’t, I buried my feelings and kept them to myself. When nothing worked, I got upset with myself. I was angry that I didn’t change. Now, I realise it’s because I couldn’t. This is just the way I am. Being gay and having no one to talk to about it, it was tough, trying to make sense of how I felt and why I felt that way. I avoided thinking about it, and when I did share my struggles with those who accepted me for who I am, it felt like no one truly understood. For a long time, I felt alone and wished I knew someone who shared the same difficulties and challenges as me. Eventually, after a long and hard struggle with myself, I came to terms with the fact that I was “different”. I knew there was no running away from me.

Loved, Supported, And It Meant Everything

My mum and siblings were the first few people I came out to. It wasn’t a complete surprise to them, considering that I spoke to them about the girl crushes I had in the past. It was my dad I was more afraid to tell, because he’s a bit sterner. It took me a while longer, but eventually, I summoned up the courage to come out to him when I was 24 or 25. I still remember how scared and nervous I was up to the point I actually said the words to him. In the weeks that followed, I could tell that he was trying his best to understand it – to understand why I was this way. I felt bad that I, too, couldn’t explain how this happened.

Not Everyone Understands

Even though the people that matter most to me accepted me for who I was, not everyone received the news well. I’ve had my fair share of nasty reactions from friends and even complete strangers on the street. In fact, just recently, when I was out shopping at a mall, the mother of a little girl followed me just to tell me how offensive and gross it was that I didn’t ‘dress like a girl’ or have long hair. She wanted me to apologise for scaring her daughter with my ‘lesbian appearance’. Apparently, the little girl had asked her mum why my hair was so short. It wasn’t about how I looked or how I behaved; my hair alone was enough reason for her to come up to me to confront me. I ignored her remarks and tried to get away, but she followed me and made harsh remarks about my lifestyle, saying things like, “I don't care about how you choose to live your life but say sorry for confusing my daughter and making her scared.” Dirty looks from strangers are normal for me. So are harsh words from the people around. Even though I’m proud of who I am, things like these sometimes still get to me.

Still The Same Person, Regardless Of My Sexuality

Accepted or not, it was good to get everything off my chest; coming to terms with who I was and being able to say it out loud to the people I love liberated me. Those who stuck around realised that beyond the label of ‘lesbian’, I was still the same person with the same heart and character. I am still the same Sam Koh, regardless of who I fall in love with. I’m 29 years old, a barista at my own café and I’m also happily attached to my partner Roslyn. We’ve been together for about 8 months now, and I’ve never been happier. Unfortunately, the same can’t be said for some of the people I know who have been forced to stay in the closet and to put up a front all their lives because their families do not approve. Everyday, I know how fortunate I am to have people around me who accept me exactly as I am. I am more than grateful for a family who lets me figure out my life on my own.

LGBT In Singapore

Being lesbian has definitely left me feeling lonely and excluded at times. Still, I wouldn’t wish away the things I’ve experienced and the fact that I’m gay. I, and the LGBTQ community, are not gay just because we want to be different. We’re not here to challenge heterosexuality. We’re not asking anyone to be gay. We just want to be accepted for who we are. At the end of the day, we are just regular human beings who want to be able to love who we love, free of condemnation. To have people frown upon your relationship is just like having parents who don’t approve of who you're dating, but worse. We have total strangers disapproving of our choices too. It’s frustrating. Thankfully, times are changing and so are attitudes. Still, there is more to be done. I hope one day, people will be more open and accepting. I hope one day, people will see beyond the labels and the prejudice, and realise that all we want is the freedom to love. - To show our support for the freedom to love, we will be publishing stories under our new series My Sexuality, My Right. In it, we share the journeys of Singaporeans who are fighting for their right to love, and who embrace their LGBTQ identity. Also read, Sexual Harassment Not That Unusual – S’porean Girls Reveal Their Nasty Encounters With Perverts.