“I can’t wait to grow up!” "Why can't I skip this whole part and just be an adult!" Oh no, there is no fast forward button in this thing we call life. I don’t know about you, but growing into adulthood was one hell of a journey for me. When you grow up, you grow out of who you used to be, and sometimes, you grow apart from the people you used to be close with. The girls in class you used to be #bffs with, that one special person you shared a special romance with. You went everywhere, did everything together. You guys were inseparable. Like a ‘buy 1 free 1’ package deal; like an egg to an otherwise kosong prata. They were forever to you--were. The hard truth is, sometimes, forever is but a spoken word.

Why You Need To Let It Go

When the truth hits you right in the face, it sucks. But do you let it bog you down, or do you just forget it and enjoy the ride? I once had a best friend who broke up with her partner because of how mentally abusive the relationship got. He moved on to the next girl fairly quickly, but she just couldn’t. As someone who cared a lot about her, it was heartbreaking to see her resorting to hanging around his house, hoping just to catch a glimpse of him. It was even more painful to see her putting herself down, comparing herself to his new girl. It definitely didn’t help that she denied being hung up on him – which brings me to my next point.

Be Honest With Yourself

Are YOU happy? If your answer is not a straight out, 100% yes, then you need to think about why this isn’t so. Maybe you really loved the person and you truly believe you won't find another like them. Maybe you feel like you lost a part of yourself that you can never find back. Maybe you envisioned a perfect future that included them and now that they're gone, you can't imagine any other kind of future. Maybe you feel like you just aren't good enough for anyone or anything. If you relate to any of this, or if you're going through these crappy emotions you wish you didn't have to go through, you are certainly not alone. Acknowledge your feelings and know that what you feel is okay. I've gone through these emotions myself, and so have many, many others. The sleepless nights, the tears you shed behind bathroom doors, the “Oh, I’m just tired” you say to people, pretending everything is okay, the fear you have of never finding someone else like them, the difficulty of trusting people again, the flashbacks you get whenever you see, hear, taste, or smell anything remotely associated with them. It’s painful, and it sucks.

Deal With It

So... What can you do about it? Here’s a blunt but handy flowchart which really helped me through my own tough times.

Granted, it doesn't give you any specific instructions on how to let go, but that's the thing: there isn't a clear-cut way to deal with your emotions. There isn’t a step-by-step cheat sheet to teach you how to let go and move on.

The only thing you can do is either A – decide to do something about it, or B – STFU and move on. Don’t complain. Don’t live your life in despair. Don’t live in denial. Don’t feel sorry for yourself. At the end of the day, what are you going to do for yourself?

Do Something For Yourself

Ironically enough, when I stopped giving a shit, when I stopped replaying in my head all the times I had to let go of the many treasured friendships and relationships I've had, life became a lot less shitty. I started doing things for myself. I went on shopping sprees. I ran. I made an effort to take up dance classes again. I caught up with old friends. I appreciated my family. I splurged to explore the world. Heck, I even resorted to Tinder to curb my loneliness. I decided to let go, to let loose. I decided to make my sunshine in the storm. I made a conscious effort to be happy, and it worked.

Perspective Changes Everything

Letting go of someone can be hard, but it is only as hard as you make it out to be. Dig deep and find yourself. Only then will you know how to let go and be happy. After all, no one knows you better than you. Nothing new is going to magically appear in the fridge if you don’t put something into it. Nothing will change if you’re not going to do anything about it. So get out there and do something--anything! Channel your emotions into things that will benefit you. Do some exercise, clean up your room, take up a new hobby, do that one thing you’ve always wanted to do but never got the chance to because of whatever reasons. It could be the most liberating, most empowering thing, and it could be the very thing you need. Let go of things that are not meant for you, because what is meant to be, will be.

“Mankind does not strive for happiness; only the Englishman does that.” - Friedrich Nietzsche Someone recently asked me, “What do you really want from your life?” I said, “To be happy.” But even as the words came out of my mouth, I felt like I was copping out. What kind of a bullshit non-answer is that? Of course, everyone wants to be happy, but do we know how? Or why? No matter which angle you look at it from, modern 21^st Century society seems possessed by an underlying obsession with happiness. We see it in every facet of our lives, from work, to healthcare, to literature, to art. An array of doctors, psychiatrists, HR managers, and self-help “gurus” constantly stand at the ready to ensure our continued happiness, and prescribe all manner of drugs, counselling, vacations, and motivational texts to correct any deviation from the set path of bliss. The happiness mandate permeates our culture in ways we simply cannot escape. But, why? Why are we so obsessed with being happy, and could our obsession actually be harmful?

NEITHER NEW NOR LIBERAL

The root of compulsory happiness lies in a socioeconomic ideology known as neoliberalism. Put simply, neoliberalism is the idea that the economy should be free from government restrictions, and that people should have the individual freedom to purchase or sell whatever they desire on the free market by way of demand and supply. Put very simply – imagine the younger, rebellious cousin of capitalism, who hates rules and just wants to be free. In a neoliberal economy, anything can be monetized. Regardless of whether consumers are paying for booze, clothes, food, or even sex (which is legal in Singapore), the neoliberal economy runs on one common commodity: happiness, or, each individual’s personal idea of happiness. “If it makes you happy, you can buy it,” says the neoliberal. Don’t know what makes you happy? Don’t worry, let advertising tell you. Of course, there isn’t any country in the world whose government subscribes fully to the neoliberal model, but its principles of individual freedom and free market consumerism apply to every capitalistic economy in the world, including those that pretend to still be communist *cough* China *cough*. As neoliberalism peddles happiness to the people that consist the economy, it also relies on happiness to survive. It is a known fact in economics that happy people spend more money. They go to restaurants, clubs, theme parks, and shopping malls more often, and spend proportionately more. The “work hard, play hard” adage is the mantra of the neoliberal economy, which espouses making more money and spending more money to feed into the wheel of peddled happiness that drives our society. Is this all wrong? I don’t know. Maybe this is how society is supposed to work. Or maybe we’re all just overconsuming on an endless happiness treadmill until we get numb from our blessings and constantly stay unsatisfied until we fall off. I can tell you how it is, but I can’t tell you how it should be.

EQUALITY OF EMOTIONS

If human emotions were J.K. Rowling characters, happiness would be Harry Potter. Everything revolves around that kid; it’s annoying. We constantly glorify happiness, while vilifying the other emotions of the spectrum, classifying them as “disorders” that need to be dealt with. Jimmy’s always sad? He suffers from depression. Jane gets angry at the slightest thing? She has anger management issues. Johnny’s deathly afraid of that one thing? He’s got a phobia. How about Phoebe, who’s constantly smiling and cheerful all the time? Oh, she just has a really fun, bubbly personality. Isn’t she lovable? There is a popular misconception that emotions somehow conflict with logical reasoning; the battle between the heart and mind, as some would conceptualize it. This could not be further from the truth. Modern scientists believe that emotions are tools that our brains use to organize and expedite rational thinking. Every emotion has a crucial function, not just happiness. If they didn’t, our brains wouldn’t have evolved them in the first place! Happiness acts as a sort of positive feedback mechanism, as in, “This is good for you, keep doing that.” Anger allows us to perceive injustice and wrongdoing more acutely, and respond in kind, as in, “That guy just tried to steal my goat and burn down my farm. I probably shouldn’t let him get away scot-free.” Sadness, as an inverse of happiness, acts as a negative feedback mechanism, saying, “This is bad, don’t let it happen again.” Fear helps to keep us alive, as in, “Don’t poke that venomous snake with your fat sausage fingers, you dumb buffoon.” Don’t get me wrong, I’m not glorifying or trivializing conditions like depression and anxiety. These are problems that must be addressed, but demonizing and rejecting their underlying emotions while exalting happiness above all is equally dangerous. What advice do we normally give to people who are depressed or angry? We say, “cheer up, buddy”, “take it easy”, “stay positive”. Simply telling someone to ignore their other emotions and just “be happy” is terrible advice. It promotes the notion that happiness is only in someone’s head, that it’s a personal responsibility that others can wash their hands off. Our collective obsession with personal inner happiness can cause us to ignore valid grievances, enable exploitation, and tolerate external injustice that shouldn’t be tolerated at all.

EVERY EMOTION HAS ITS DAY

While all-pervasive in our neoliberal-capitalist society, our compulsive desire for happiness might paradoxically be pushing us away from really being happy. We pursue economically-serving surrogates for happiness like overpriced bags and cars that let us pretend we’re happy, while setting us on a downward spiral towards depression as we chase mandatory happiness in the face of ignored hardship, and repeatedly find ourselves falling short. We ask ourselves, “Why am I not good enough to get that raise?” or, “How can Suzanne afford that Louis Vuitton bag when I cannot?” Perhaps, a healthy mental state requires embracing all our emotions to build a more robust sense of harmony and inner peace, where we can be truly happy with who we are, because the pursuit of happiness can only be healthy when balanced and grounded with its accompanying emotions. Or maybe, the neoliberals had it right all along, and running endlessly on the happiness treadmill is truly the meaning of life. What do you think?