Tag: parents

Her pride shows when she humble brags about us to her friends and her love shows through the incessant nagging at us to sleep earlier and eat on time. Yet these are things that we finding embarrassing and annoying. Then, there’s that one uniquely-Singaporean trait in our mums that we can’t decide whether we hate or love. Being auntie. This Mother's Day, we share our love for our mums by appreciating the super auntie things they do as a Singaporean mum.

1. Gossiping

Even with social media, we can hardly keep up with all our friends getting hitched and having babies. It’s amazing how our mum knows about the neighbour’s sister’s friend’s daughter's migrating overseas. Not forgetting the iconic way they speak when they share such juicy news, “I tell you ah, my ah girl ah…”

2. Taking Or Asking For Free Stuff

Dabaoing the unused utensils and butter spread from airplane meals, keeping the serviettes and wet tissues at restaurants, and eating the free samples at food fares, our mothers do them all, and proudly. As auntie as those behaviours are, some of us do them too. There are also the very thick-skinnd mums who would tell the waiter that it’s her birthday and go, “got anything free or not ah?” At least we get to enjoy free stuff, I guess.

3. Choping Seats

It can be hard to find seats during rush hour on the MRT and at hawker centres, but our mums seem to have eagle eyes. They also have the power of making us want to disown them when they rush to the vacant seats, pat the seat, and shout our name out amidst the crowd of onlookers.

4. Complaining

If you got cheated by the hawker and only got bones in your chicken rice, trust your mum to make a trip to the stall and give them a teaching. You may even get free chicken rice on your next trip. Whether it’s the little things like that or bigger things like being bullied in school or work, your very auntie mother will complain until you get your grievances addressed.

5. Picking Out The Best Of Things

She would remove all the styrofoam netting from the fruit before putting it in the plastic bag because not only can you see if the fruit is good, it weighs lighter and thus, is cheaper. She’d dig into the supermarket shelves to get products that are deeper in because of the expiry date, especially when she’s stocking up during the promotion period. Very auntie and very embarrassing, but very fruitful.

6. Share Fake Or Passé News

Food to eat to defeat cancer, random philosophical quotes from famous people whose names we don’t even recognise, or fake health scares, our mums tend to fall for such stories circulating online and on WhatsApp. What’s more embarrassing is when they share them in the family group chat. Or when they excitedly show us a video they just saw and we realise that it was something that trended more than 5 years ago. Mum, this one long ago see already.

7. Doraemon Bags

Our mums tend to have everything in their bags and can magically whip out anything we need when we need it. Dry tissue, check. Wet tissue, check. Umbrella, check. Some mums even bring medicine everywhere they go, so if we suddenly have a stomach-ache after eating that tom yum hot pot, fret not, momma’s got charcoal pills.

8. Loyalty And Membership Cards For Everything

Besides all the things mentioned above, the auntie-mother starter pack cannot do without an NTUC card or any other equivalent loyalty cards for supermarkets, grocery stores, or pharmacies like Watsons and Guardian. Sometimes, they surprise you with cards to the most random of shops, like a neighbourhood salon card or stamp cards dessert stores.

Love Your Very Auntie Mum

We cringe at our mum’s auntie moments but as we grow older, we start to realise how much such 'annoying' habits of theirs are things we remember them endearingly by. All those little things they do are exactly what make them that irreplaceable woman in our life. What other auntie things do your mum do? Share them with us in the comments! (Header Image Credit: Wheniwasfour) Also read, These 14 Heartwarming Stories Show That A Mother’s Love Is Like No Other.
I’m a lot closer to my friends than my family. There’s so much more that my friends see and know about me. It isn’t because I grew up being looked after by my grandparents, relatives, or helper. I was never sent to child care centres either. My parents brought my brother and me up all by themselves. It wasn’t that I grew up in a broken family either. My parents were always loving to each other and to us. Our middle-income family lifestyle also meant a high regard for simplicity, humility, and maintaining family ties. We appreciate what we have and we appreciate each other, yet I feel a disconnect with the very people I’m supposed to be closest to – and it’s not because we don’t spend time together. Occasionally, my father will drive us across the causeway for cheap eats, shopping, or a massage. My mother’s regular home cooking is also a reason for us to huddle together for dinner every day after work. We spend a lot of time together but there’s hardly any conversation aside from my mum’s gripe about the market prices of meat and vegetables. I don't share about my day and I don't ask them about theirs. It just feels weird, unnatural. When I see social media posts of my friends enjoying movie nights, ice skating, or trips to USS together with their family, I wished my family was like that too. It isn’t where they went that I am envious of, it is the laughter and light banter in the background. It is the quality time together that I long for. Was there something we could have done in the past that would have made us closer now? Why don’t we do fun family activities together? Is it because all of us grew up too quickly? I know, it’s already a privilege to have a family. An unexciting family of four, stable and boring, but safe. Some people don’t even have anyone to call ‘family’. I appreciate what I have but if only I could draw close to my supposed nearest and dearest without feeling so awkward.

My parents’ love for my sibling and I is undeniable, but so is the ever-growing gap between us.

When I had trouble catching up on my studies, I hid it from my parents. When it came to matters of the heart and having my heart broken by the guys I dated, I turned to friends instead. When I was lost and confused about life after graduation, I turned to Google for advice. My parents didn’t deserve to be disappointed, and I never felt comfortable to share. Call it pride, call it fear but it was never a natural way of my life to talk about my feelings and emotions with my parents so openly. And now that I’m a working adult with my own social circles and partner, there are more distractions and lesser reasons for me to talk with my parents. Perhaps we were just that stereotypical Asian family who avoided complicated topics and shunned from anything related to sex. When I asked why I was growing hair at my nether regions, my mother would tell me that it is because I didn’t wash my vagina clean enough. When I had my first period and asked why we (girls) had periods, my dad said it’s just something that makes you an ‘official woman’. They never elaborated more than that and I never probed. Sometimes I wonder if this is why I’m so gullible today. However, the ‘Asian culture’ was stronger during my parents’ days and yet they still remain close to their siblings. Even though we all live separate lives, every family gathering filled our home with warmth and energy, there was always laughter and chatter. Perhaps this is the legendary kampong spirit that everyone talks about. What happened with my generation then? Perhaps it’s because life was much simpler then. In place of movies or video games, entertainment was playing marbles or fives stones with siblings or the neighbours’ kids. Social gatherings meant you had to interact with people instead of being on your phone.

Stevecutts GIF by Moby

As much as it feels distant, the thought of losing my parents still scares me. Besides the pain of never seeing them again, I worry that losing them would also mean losing the only thing that holds my brother and I together. We were raised by the same parents and only two years apart, but we couldn’t be more different. We have led two very separate lives and we barely look alike – we were never close, not when we were young and not now. I knew a girl in my secondary school who had a brother I wished I had. He was a senior in our school and he’d always walk her home. Even when my friend stayed back for CCAs or simply to hang out with her friends, her brother would wait in school until she was done. I wanted that protective and cool brother who would not only be my guardian angel if someone shoots rubber bands at me but would also teach me how to fire these rubber bands back with twice the power. Instead, most of the interactions I had with my brother involved us fighting between ourselves. Now that we’re older, my brother makes an effort to communicate and connect with me despite working and living in another country most of the year, but it never feels right. We speak in different languages and our conversations lack depth but I still hope that eventually my brother and I will find a connection we never had. I just hope my brother believes it, too. After all, blood is always thicker than water. Also read, 12 S’poreans Reveal The Most Endearingly Embarrassing Habits Of Their Mums.
Is it possible to have a friend 60 years older than you? In today’s digital era where Instagram, Snapchat, and Facebook are the average millennial’s best friend, you’ll be hard pressed to find millennials connecting with their family members ‘offline’. As millennials ourselves, we know how hard it is to feel and be close with our parents, much less our grandparents. And as our folks age, we do too. We start living our own lives and they start to lose touch with our generation. The many commitments and distractions don’t help either, and most of us are skeptical at the thought of bonding or being friends with our parents and grandparents. However, a very unlikely pair has proved us wrong. Meet 14-year-old student, Riddhi Rai and her best friend, 77-year-old retiree, Louise Bell.

When Riddhi Met Louise

Riddhi and Louise were complete strangers when they met at a social experiment Channel NewsAsia ran. Titled “Back to School”, this four-part series followed Riddhi, Louise, and 4 other pairs of strangers as they spent 10 weeks together.

Watch Episode 1 of Channel NewsAsia's Back to School <a href=" The experiment gave invaluable insights into 10 average Singaporeans' lives and proved that despite the huge age gaps, friendship is possible. While the episodes presented very interesting and endearing interactions between the Secondary school teenagers and their elderly partners, we wanted to find out more about what went on behind the scenes. We spoke to Riddhi, Louise, and the production team. Here’s how they succeeded in making friends out of strangers who are generations apart.

Breaking The Barriers

Like most teens, Riddhi has no clear direction in life yet. She doesn’t fit in with peers in her school either, and prefers her world of fan fiction and indie music.

As for ex-headhunter Louise, most of her time is spent on church activities and picking up different interests like crochet (to help with her Parkinson’s) and acro-aerobics (to keep herself fit).

Naturally, it took a bit of time to warm up to each other over the palpable age barrier. “She was shy, tall, and thin,” Louise recalled, “she reminded me of myself when I was younger, and I knew that I’ll need to be patient if I want her to open up.” Similarly, Riddhi felt nervous and a little bit awkward to be meeting someone she knew nothing about. Then, things got a lot easier when the pair found out that they’re both bookworms. Speaking to Louise over the phone, I could picture Louise smiling as she shared a fond memory of when they were getting to know each other, “Riddhi even brought me around her school library and we picked out books together.”

Becoming Friends

Despite the challenges in accommodating to each other’s needs, Riddhi and Louise grew to not only embrace, but help each other in their weaknesses.

In an Escape Room game, Riddhi went out of her way to lift Louise up as Louise was having a bit of trouble with her weak legs. It was there that Louise saw a different side of Riddhi: that she isn’t that shy after all.

As for Riddhi’s lack of confidence, Louise managed to break down the walls and got her to be more vocal about her inner thoughts and feelings.

As the pair did more activities together, producers saw how they started to inspire each other. “There’s still a bit to work on and I really hope to help her be more confident about herself,” Louise shared about her wish for Riddhi.

More Than Just Companionship

Having set out to test the success of intergenerational friendship researches done in US and Japan, the producers were “quite apprehensive about whether a simple friendship could make a difference, but the results showed a definite improvement.”

Not just for Riddhi and Louise, but the seniors from the other pairs also showed significant improvements in fitness, memory and mood, while the teenagers got a massive boost in self-esteem and a better attitude towards life. The pairs also formed real friendships and saw the other generation in a significantly better light. “She taught me to be more responsible and punctual,” Riddhi said. “(And) she opened up my eyes to how teenage girls today are like,” Louise added. Now, besides writing stories, reading books, or going for piano lessons, Riddhi would hang out with Louise. And Louise is more than happy to spend quality time with Riddhi, “Riddhi would actually call me and ask me if she can spend the day with me. I’d cook for her and we’d just talk about anything under the sun as we ate.”

Best Friends Forever?

Now that the 10-week ‘project’ has ended, how do Riddhi and Louise see each other? While Riddhi sees Louise as a good friend whom she can share problems with, Louise thinks of herself as Riddhi’s surrogate mother without the parental control, “I think Riddhi trusted me as an outsider, that’s why she shared her worries with me. It’s easier to share your problems to outsiders than to your own parents.” What is the secret to their surprising bond? “Listen, listen, and listen,” Louise emphasised, “seniors must take the first step to reach out, and don’t rush to impose or impart your knowledge until the young ones are ready to listen. Be patient.” And for the young ones, “Don’t judge someone just because of their age,” Riddhi shared. Watch the 10-week journey of Riddhi, Louise, and the other senior-teenager pairs on Channel NewsAsia’s Back to School <a href=" This story is written in collaboration with Channel NewsAsia. Also read, These 14 Heartwarming Stories Show That A Mother’s Love Is Like No Other.
Many of us are guilty of taking the best things we have for granted--like the love of our mothers. The ones who cleaned up our poop-laden diapers; the ones who were more worried about our PSLEs than we ourselves were; the ones who nag at us tirelessly because of love. If you think about it, the sheer number of sacrifices our mums have made for us is incredible. There are so many things our mums have done for us that perhaps, no one else ever will. This Mother's Day, we called for Singaporean millennials to share what they appreciate most about their mums. Of the hundreds of heartfelt entries, here are 14 deeply heartwarming stories that truly epitomize the deep, unconditional love of our mothers. * Stories have been edited for brevity and clarity.

1. “She held on till she knew I was in good hands, before she passed on”

I lost my mum in January. She is the strongest woman I've ever known. She spent her last 18 years on kidney dialysis, went through several surgeries and I can't even count the number of times I almost lost her at the hospital. She gave my siblings and I the best she could, despite the fact that we were very poor since young--giving her best not in terms of material riches but in her love and care. She is my mentor and my lighthouse. The doctor said she would pass away in January this year, but she held on to life just so she could come back home in an ambulance to witness my boyfriend's proposal to me. She passed peacefully the day after and I know she had been waiting for that moment, to know that I will have my other half to take care of me. My mom will always be in my heart. – Lim Edna

2. “She splurged on an apple for me when she managed to earn a little more”

She was a strict mum who brought up 10 children. The most memorable incident was the day she managed to make a little bit more cash from her sewing jobs and bought me an apple. She said to me, “Tin, make sure you finish the whole apple, don't waste." She even polished off the balance when I couldn’t finish the whole apple, saying to me that we “must treasure every single food we have.” My mum passed away three years ago at the age of 92. Till today, I still miss her a lot. – Susan Chua

3. “She surprised me in hall just to have dinner with me”

During my finals period, I stayed in hall for 3 weeks straight just to prepare for my examinations. I was feeling super stressed out not because I didn't study, but because I had anxiety. My mum surprised me when she came down all the way to Boon Lay on a weekend night just to visit and eat dinner with me because she missed me! I felt super touched because I missed her as much as she missed me. I was so glad to be able to catch up with her over dinner. She reminded me not to over-stress my mind and body, and also to drink lots of water to stay hydrated and healthy. I felt like I was the luckiest daughter on earth because that meet up definitely made me feel so much better. – XinYun Peh

4. “When I was heartbroken, my mum was equally sad”

I was really heartbroken for several days over stupid things back then. Seeing me so heartbroken affected my mum's mood also. My mum is not someone who is good at expressing her feelings towards us, so she dropped me a text telling me how much she loves me and that she wouldn't want to see me sad. It made me realise I should do my part as a daughter and give my parents the best of everything. I really appreciate all the support my mum secretly gave me without me realising. – Jocelynn Lee

5. “Her nagging saved my life--twice”

I really appreciate my mom's nagging. Being the scatter-brain that I am, her constant "reminders" are just what I need. In fact, there are times when her nagging turned out to be my life-savers. Once, when I was cooking, I almost dropped the knife and cut my foot because I mindlessly placed the knife at the edge of the basin after using it. Another time, I almost lost my iPhone after buying food. It was only when I remembered my mum's nagging that I managed to avoid both scenarios. Now that I am living alone, I miss her nagging even more. Every child thinks it's annoying when your mum nags at you but especially in an Asian society, where we seldom say "I love you" to express our love to each other openly, it’s our mums’ way of showing their love. – Xiao Ling

6. “She gave up her beauty and youth for her 3 kids”

My mummy is selfless. Even when she’s only left with $20 in her pocket, she will not mind sparing some for her kids. After looking at photos from when she was a teenager, I asked her why her skin wasn’t as good and why her teeth wasn’t as white now, and her answer just broke my heart. She said, “I’m too busy taking care of the three of you." She was so beautiful in her youth, and definitely still is, inside and out. I'm so afraid to see her grow old. Even though I don’t really express it to her, I love her so much. – Chendol Chun Li

7. “She wakes up at 5am to make us breakfast everyday”

One thing I really appreciate is how my mummy always goes the extra mile to prepare breakfast for us before school every morning at 5am. As a housewife, she could always wake up any time later but she makes a conscious effort to choose our happiness over her sleep everyday. After JC, when I spent the weekdays at home, I would see her waking up to prepare breakfast and going to sleep only after my brother leaves for school. It was only then that I realised that she would wake up early just to make breakfast for us. I was so touched and it made me realise that I should truly appreciate the small things she does for us. – Rennie Lee

8. “She carried me from the east to the west to see a doctor”

When I was young, I had a weak constitution. Even after going to several clinics, I didn’t recover. A neighbor recommended this doctor, and we had to travel from the east to the west to see him. She carried me on the bus and had to walk quite a bit. Through it all, she wasn’t in good health herself. Every night, she had to apply plasters all over her body to help her with her bodily ailments from working at rubber plantations. She suffered worry-filled, sleepless nights. I am so grateful to her. If it wasn’t for my mother’s persistence and patience, I may not be able to grow up healthily. – Tan Keith

9. “She rejects allowance money because she wants our kids to have the best instead"

My mum worked day and night just to make sure my brother and sisters have a good education. After reaching home from work, she had to do all the household chores. She also tries her best to tutor us even though she is not highly educated. Now, she has 10 grandkids from 3 of us and she has taken care of all of them. She has never wanted allowance from me for taking care of my 4 kids because she is always afraid that we do not have enough. She wants our kids to have the best instead. Besides ensuring their stomachs are filled, she even helps to ensure they do their homework and study for their exams. I really can’t thank her enough. – Grace Lim

10. “She never gave up on us despite her own pain”

An affair resulted in an ugly divorce between my parents, and my mum got custody of us. However, things went downhill from there as they sold the house and she rented a small room to stay in with my brother, while I had to find accommodation on my own. She could have chosen to just throw in the towel because of such a deep betrayal and hurt but she didn't. Instead, she held the family together the best she could through all her anger and pain. Even when she was going through the divorce, she never failed to go to the wet market weekly to cook for us and ensure we got fresh and healthy food. We've had terrible moments and emotional times but nothing will take away the fact that I have seen her steadfast, and I’ve received the unconditional love only a Mother can have for her children. – Kristyn Chan Siang

11. “She was so freaked out she carried me to the clinic for the second time”

Once, during my O-levels period, I had a severe gastric problem. I came home crying and my mum was concerned about what had happened to me. I had a paper the next day, so I wanted to study but I couldn't. The pain was intolerable. After several attempts at convincing me to see the doctor, I finally gave in. My mum carried me because I could barely walk. She then went around pleading the people in the clinic to let me go first. After I got an injection, my mum carried me back home. On the lift, I fainted. The next moment, I woke up to hear her crying and telling me to wake up. She was so freaked out that she carried me to the clinic again and asked for a referral to the hospital. But I didn't want to go, and rested at home. She slept beside me the entire night to take care of me, despite having had just 3 to 4 hours of sleep that day. The very next day, she brought me to school for my paper and even told the teacher to take good care of me. – Sherzy Tan

12. "She let me chart my own path”

Since I was old enough to start having memories, my mum would allow me to make my own choices in life. She listens and gives me advice but won't impose her views on me. Instead, she brings a new perspective to issues when I confide in her and she gives me the freedom to chart my path even though from her own experience, I was expected to fail. It would have been easier for her to cushion me than bear the heartache of me failing but she believes that failing is part and parcel of learning. When I have problems with difficult people, she encourages me to show empathy and compassion. I am often impressed by her magnanimity. I am most appreciative to have a wise mother who has shaped me into the independent woman I am today. – Hazel Seng

13. “My step-mum loved me like her own”

I grew up in a household where I had two mums living under one roof. My mum is my father’s second wife, and my step-mum was the one who looked after the house. She loved me like her own daughter. After I delivered two cute monsters, she loved them unconditionally too, as if they were her own grandsons. I’m so proud to tell people that I have a wonderful mother like her in my life. – Jas Li

14. “I am not a ‘model daughter’, but she still sings praises of me to others”

I was once an obedient and bright child. Then, I transitioned into a young delinquent. But even when I had dashed all her hopes of raising her "dream daughter", she never once gave up on me. I frequently got into trouble with authorities, slacked off on the books, and spent my time idling around with bad influence. From attending prize award ceremonies where she could be proud of my academic achievements to being called down by the school for my truancy, and waking up one day to find that I had run away from home... It was a lot of tears and heartache. Since then, I have learned from my ways and am still trying to make it up to her up till today. I am still a girl that does not fit her standards of a "model daughter". She would definitely not want me to have my tattoos and ostentatiously coloured hair if she had a choice. Still, she continues to shower me with her love everyday and sings praises of her kids in front of others. – Charmaine Wong

Appreciate Your Parents

Our mothers sacrifice their whole world for us, but don't forget our dads too. With Father's Day just round the corner, spend some time thinking about how you can show Dad some appreciation too! Also read, 12 S’poreans Reveal The Most Endearingly Embarrassing Habits Of Their Mums.
Those of you familiar with American TV shows will probably be familiar with kids getting grounded or being made to eat veggies when they misbehaved. For us Singaporeans, discipline takes on quite a different shape and form. We spoke to some Singaporeans about the way they were punished as kids. Some of these are so extreme, you'll realize how good you had it as a kid!

1. Kena whack by all sorts of things

A classic punishment most of us have been through and survived is caning. Some of our parents were so sadistic, they made us choose our own canes at the mama shop. We happily chose our favourite colour and the smallest one because child logic says the smaller, the better. We would eventually come to realise how very wrong we were. Some of us would hide the canes or secretly break them or throw them away, but that wouldn't stop our parents. Even if the cane broke mid-whooping, the horror would continue and we would run around the house, screaming as our parents chased us down with belts, rulers, hangers, feather dusters, and even back scratchers. #goodtimes One girl, Samantha, was even forced to wear a short-sleeved shirt and shorts to school to show the marks from her caning, leaving one to wonder if the pain from the caning or the public shaming was the real punishment.

2. Being made to kneel everywhere, on everything

Kneeling on a washing board, kneeling on coins, being made to kneel through the night without sleep, facing the wall or in front of the altar... Eugene's dad made him kneel on an abacus! And that's not all. After half an hour, when his skin seemed like it was about to tear, his dad got him to kneel on sandpaper! And the offence? Failing his Primary 6 Chinese exam.

3. Being locked in

As a child, getting locked in can be terrifying, as in the case of 3-year-old Daniel, who was locked in the toilet at night, with no lights on. It could have been just 5 minutes, but it felt like a lifetime, leaving him with a fear of the dark to this day. For Melissa, who refused to go to school because they changed her teacher, her mum tied her leg to a table's leg and left her in the room for hours.

4. Being locked out

Breaking curfew usually led to us being locked out. For Oliver, it was an especially cold punishment as he was locked out in the freezing London weather. Ubaidah, who used to fight verbally with her younger brother often, got locked out with her brother by her dad so they could fight as much as they wanted. He told them they won’t be allowed in until he saw blood, although of course, that didn't happen. Some fathers take ‘throwing you out’ quite literally, as did Chun Seng's, who was physically carried and thrown out of the house.

5. Being used as target practice

Jamie lost her wallet and didn’t dare to tell her parents. Her mum got so angry when she found out, she threw a dictionary at her.

6. The passive aggressive treatment

Some of our parents would ignore us, filling us with guilt by saying absolutely nothing at all. We'd question if they've stopped loving us and end up apologising. Clarice ended up with no dinner because she fiddled with food previously.

7. These ones are just sibei jialat

Eugene thought kneeling on an abacus and sandpaper was enough a punishment for failing his Chinese exam, but his dad didn’t think so. At 12 years old, he was picked up from school by his dad, driven further away from home, and then told to get off the car and to walk home himself. One mum learnt from some of her friends to force-feed daughter, Belle, chili-padi. When she refused to open her mouth, she ended up rubbing it all over her lips. As a Primary school kid, the spiciness stung horribly. Wen suffered a similar demise, with her mum applying chili sauce on her lips like lip gloss.

8. The prize for most creative punishment goes to...

As shared by Annabelle, her dad wrapped her up with a cloth and hung her on the wall when she was about 2 years old. What are some unforgettable (or unorthodox) methods your parents have used to punish or discipline you? Let us know in the comments! Also read, 15 S’poreans Share The Sweetest Thing Their Partner Has Done That Will Make You Say ‘Spoil Market’ (Top Image Credit: Oi Vietnam)
“Sometimes I just feel like smacking you in the head over and over again.” Who do you think said that to me? If you thought my girlfriend, you thought right. Can’t live with them, can’t live without them, am I right girls and guys? If you feel the same way about your partner, you’re certainly not alone. And there’s a reason for that.

Misery loves company

We like to think that we seek relationships with people who make us happy, but the whole truth may be a lot stranger than that. According to psychologists, we instinctively gravitate to potential partners who we think will make us miserable. I know that sounds ridiculous, but let me explain. It all begins with our parents, from whom we first experience and learn about love and human interaction. Everything we do later in our lives in pursuit or service of love, is influenced in some way by our understanding of human relationships that we first learned from our parents in childhood. In many ways, the love we seek as adults is actually driven by a search for the rediscovery of love we felt from our parents as children, a sort of quest for that lost paradise of childhood. Our parents made us feel loved during our developmental years, so we long to feel loved again as adults. That all sounds fine and dandy, but the problem is that parent-child relationships are often far more complicated. As most of us know, no parent is perfect, and the process of parenting always involves emotions other than love. In order to be perceived as attractive, a potential partner must often display a capacity to reconnect us with our childhood feelings – all of them. These can include feelings of inadequacy, insecurity, anxiety, and yes, anger. If your parents were overly critical and distant, you might find yourself attracted to people with similar qualities, people who constantly deny you the approval and absolution you seek. If your parents were overly submissive, you might seek partners who frustrate you with their lack of initiative or assertiveness. In finding love, we often end up choosing partners who allow us to suffer in the ways we need to suffer, in order to relive the dynamics of our childhood that we innately associate with “true” love.

Role Reversal

In some cases, the parent-child relationship doesn’t always manifest in our choosing partners with similar flaws as our parents. Occasionally, we take on the role of our flawed parent, and act out the same dynamic with our partner, with him/her on the receiving end of our parent’s failings. We might constantly put our partners down or leave them uncertain of where they stand in the relationship. We might compare them to others or complain constantly about their shortcomings Either way, in our relationships, we seem doomed to seeking out the fault of our parents in our partners, or to act out these faults with our partners. Such relationship dynamics are, of course, unhealthy, but oftentimes unavoidable. The cruel and slightly hilarious irony of all this is that we end up being attracted to the kinds of relationships that our upbringings leave us most woefully ill-equipped for. Those of us who are attracted to mysterious, distant individuals, are the ones least able to deal with the long silences and feelings of separation. Those of us drawn to strong-willed, agonistic partners, are the ones whose parental abuse leave us afraid of and unwilling to deal with confrontation. The failings that most draw us in, are precisely the ones that we are least able to handle.

Love amidst hate

But wait, before you pick up your phone to break up with your partner, know that there is still hope. Thankfully, just being aware of all this can be the first step to a healthier, happier relationship. These vestigial ties to our unhealthy childhood relationships lie hidden below the surface, but knowing about them allows us to yank them out of our subconscious mind, and into our waking consciousness. By knowing about the troubling dynamics that drive your infuriating relationship with your partner, you can learn to break these habits, and steer your relationship in the direction you wish through present self-correction. If you’re acting out at your partner in the same ways your parents acted towards you, try putting your partner in the shoes of childhood you. How did you feel? How did you wish your parents would have treated you instead? Now, in a peculiar way, you have the power to correct the past failings of your parents. Resist the urge to be judgemental or to make an unnecessary point. Ditch the silent treatment and passive aggression. Be a nicer version of your flawed parent. If you’re finding negative traits of your parents in your partner, imagine yourself as a person with, well, better parents. In dealing with the same frustrations that your parents put you through, try imagining how a mature person without the same issues as you would deal with them. Resist the urge to fight against your partner the way you wish childhood you had fought back against your parents. Be the person you wish to be, not the person your parents raised. Perhaps the way to a better relationship lies in recognizing its connections to the troubles of our past, and accepting that we’re with our partners not just in spite of their shortcomings, but because of them. Top Image Credit