Caution: This article contains potentially triggering content.“Hey, do you remember Anthony*?”
“Yeah, why?”
“He’s gone…”
I was in my early twenties then, still finding myself in the corporate world, and my poly classmate had just taken his life.
I remember how confused I was when I saw that text message, and the shock that followed when my friend confirmed that Anthony is really gone.
I wasn't particularly close to Anthony, but I knew him nonetheless, and I teared when his loved ones delivered their eulogies during the funeral service: “He was always so jovial and giving.” It was this sentence that hit me hard, because he was exactly that kind of person in poly—happy and jovial—yet, depression took him.
Similarly, I can only imagine how painful it must be for the family, friends, and fans worldwide when Linkin Park’s lead singer, <a href=" Bennington took his own life. People were shocked at the severity of his depression.
Depression has no face.
There are no red flags, no clues, and no measurements to identify someone with depression because each person suffers from and deals with depression differently as well.
To understand more about what people with depression actually go through, we reached out to 8 Singaporeans who have fought (or are still fighting) the illness. Here are photos that will give you insights into their lives when they had depression.
*Names have been changed for privacy reasons.
1. Jar Of Goodness
Image Credit: Nawira
“When we're depressed, we often forget the good things about ourselves. We think we're useless, weak, hopeless, and ugly. That's Depression speaking. And Depression lies. I keep this 'Jar of Goodness', which is filled with positive quotes to remind myself that Depression is wrong. I keep it to remind myself of the truth, the good people see in me, and the good I see in myself."
– Nawira
2. Tattoos
Image Credit: Weiling Rai
“Depression has gotten the better of me more often than not. It comes gradually but also suddenly. I got these tattoos as they are of the dreams I have and the things I love. It's also a reminder that all things, good or bad, are temporary.”
– Marc
3. Lotus Flowers
Image Credit: A
“I shut everyone out when I’m depressed and I become irrationally terrified of speaking to anyone. I also have suicidal thoughts pretty much every day. The only thing stopping me from doing anything stupid is the thought of how it’ll affect my mother. I’m still finding ways to cope with depression right now. One of the ways is finding my way back to religion. I’ve started wearing prayer beads and got myself this lotus bell jar. The lotus is an amazing flower. It is so pure despite its muddy beginnings and that’s where I hope to be one day. Since it features so strongly in Buddhism, it’s also extra significant for me.”
– A
4. Pain
Image Credit: V
“My belief was 'only pain can overcome pain'. During periods where I couldn't evoke feelings like happiness, sadness, or even anger, the pain was the only way for me to feel less empty. The sight of blood was somewhat satisfying to me too as it was the equivalence of a release, as opposed to suppressing the fear of being a liability to people around me. The scars above the cut have been there since I started physically harming myself in secondary school, but I didn't realise what I was going through exactly, until I got diagnosed last year.”
– V
5. Alcohol
Image Credit: S
“Antidepressants aren't a panacea. They just prevented me from getting worse, or so I thought. Trying weed and other drugs only made me more depressed especially after the 'high' wore off. So I turned to alcohol. It was the only legal substance that made me feel better. I battle with depression every single day and on certain days, I'd turn to alcohol. I know it's not the cure, but it has helped me deal with my thoughts.”
– S
6. Constant Self-Reminders
Image Credit: E
“I would create my own wallpapers with different motivational sentences every 2 weeks. It was to remind myself of the kind of thoughts I should have. It helped me through all my bad days and has saved me from full-blown panic attacks. On good days, reminding myself what to think of before bad days come, helps a lot.”
– E
7. Counseling
Image Credit: Allan Lee
“These receipts of my counselling sessions were a significant part of me for awhile. The many sessions of counselling helped me get a hold of myself. It introduced new perspectives to me and changed my mindset. Coupled with medication, the many consultations with my psychiatrist helped me recover when the depressive part of bipolar disorder kicked in. Importantly, the moral support from friends and family made my recovery a much smoother one.”
– Allan
8. Trapped
Image Credit: F
“I tried to kill myself and was stopped. I was on the ledge on of an unoccupied block of flats when Hafiz, my boyfriend, found me. When I saw the desperation in his eyes, I just couldn’t do it. I was then admitted to the psych ward for treatment. If only people knew the horrors of the psych ward: the 5-point restraint, the thought of being in a mental institute, the many guards to your ward, and the injections just to calm you down. Seeing other patients go through that made me angry despite recoiling in horror, and there was nothing I could do. Because who would believe mental patients like us when we're seen as crazy? Who would listen?"
– F
Don’t Undermine The Seriousness Of Depression
From a friend who had depression, “depressed people almost never look depressed, they may even look the happiest to cover it up.”
Sufferers often keep their thoughts and feelings to themselves because they don’t want to be a liability. And with everything bottled up, it’s easy to slide into darkness.
Let us pay a little more attention to our loved ones. Be aware and listen more. Don’t let the impalpable and unnoticeable beast, Depression, win.
Also read, “I Kept Hearing Voices Of People Criticising Me, And I Could No Longer Tell What Was Real”.
“I can’t wait to grow up!”
"Why can't I skip this whole part and just be an adult!"
Oh no, there is no fast forward button in this thing we call life. I don’t know about you, but growing into adulthood was one hell of a journey for me.
When you grow up, you grow out of who you used to be, and sometimes, you grow apart from the people you used to be close with.
The girls in class you used to be #bffs with, that one special person you shared a special romance with. You went everywhere, did everything together. You guys were inseparable. Like a ‘buy 1 free 1’ package deal; like an egg to an otherwise kosong prata. They were forever to you--were.
The hard truth is, sometimes, forever is but a spoken word.
Why You Need To Let It Go
When the truth hits you right in the face, it sucks. But do you let it bog you down, or do you just forget it and enjoy the ride?
I once had a best friend who broke up with her partner because of how mentally abusive the relationship got. He moved on to the next girl fairly quickly, but she just couldn’t.
As someone who cared a lot about her, it was heartbreaking to see her resorting to hanging around his house, hoping just to catch a glimpse of him. It was even more painful to see her putting herself down, comparing herself to his new girl. It definitely didn’t help that she denied being hung up on him – which brings me to my next point.
Be Honest With Yourself
Are YOU happy?
If your answer is not a straight out, 100% yes, then you need to think about why this isn’t so.
Maybe you really loved the person and you truly believe you won't find another like them. Maybe you feel like you lost a part of yourself that you can never find back. Maybe you envisioned a perfect future that included them and now that they're gone, you can't imagine any other kind of future. Maybe you feel like you just aren't good enough for anyone or anything.
If you relate to any of this, or if you're going through these crappy emotions you wish you didn't have to go through, you are certainly not alone. Acknowledge your feelings and know that what you feel is okay. I've gone through these emotions myself, and so have many, many others.
The sleepless nights, the tears you shed behind bathroom doors, the “Oh, I’m just tired” you say to people, pretending everything is okay, the fear you have of never finding someone else like them, the difficulty of trusting people again, the flashbacks you get whenever you see, hear, taste, or smell anything remotely associated with them.
It’s painful, and it sucks.
Deal With It
So... What can you do about it?
Here’s a blunt but handy flowchart which really helped me through my own tough times.
Image Credit: Raptitude
Granted, it doesn't give you any specific instructions on how to let go, but that's the thing: there isn't a clear-cut way to deal with your emotions. There isn’t a step-by-step cheat sheet to teach you how to let go and move on.
The only thing you can do is either A – decide to do something about it, or B – STFU and move on. Don’t complain. Don’t live your life in despair. Don’t live in denial. Don’t feel sorry for yourself.
At the end of the day, what are you going to do for yourself?
Do Something For Yourself
Ironically enough, when I stopped giving a shit, when I stopped replaying in my head all the times I had to let go of the many treasured friendships and relationships I've had, life became a lot less shitty.
I started doing things for myself. I went on shopping sprees. I ran. I made an effort to take up dance classes again. I caught up with old friends. I appreciated my family. I splurged to explore the world. Heck, I even resorted to Tinder to curb my loneliness.
I decided to let go, to let loose. I decided to make my sunshine in the storm. I made a conscious effort to be happy, and it worked.
Perspective Changes Everything
Letting go of someone can be hard, but it is only as hard as you make it out to be. Dig deep and find yourself. Only then will you know how to let go and be happy. After all, no one knows you better than you.
Nothing new is going to magically appear in the fridge if you don’t put something into it. Nothing will change if you’re not going to do anything about it. So get out there and do something--anything! Channel your emotions into things that will benefit you. Do some exercise, clean up your room, take up a new hobby, do that one thing you’ve always wanted to do but never got the chance to because of whatever reasons.
It could be the most liberating, most empowering thing, and it could be the very thing you need.
Let go of things that are not meant for you, because what is meant to be, will be.
