Tag: sex

There is a high chance that there is someone within your social circles with some sort of kinky sex secret hidden behind the face of innocence. 

Surprise, Singaporeans are hooking up.

If you are a Singaporean millennial, you probably would have been living under a rock if you are unaware of how common it is for our generation to sleep around by now.

We all know that the hooking up culture exists in Singapore. 

We know of friends, or friends of friends who have had One-Night Stands (ONS), Friends With Benefits (FWBs), and even orgies. Nonetheless, seeing the way we react with the initial disbelief that quickly transforms into excitement, one would think that we had just won the lottery whenever someone spills tea on someone hooking up with someone. 

However, despite this awareness, casual sex and promiscuity remain an open secret only discussed in closed circles and in hushed whispers. 

It’s an irony, because while our society has grown to be a lot more open to traditionally promiscuous behaviours, there is still a lot of shame attached to these behaviours. 

As a Redditor best puts it, our society is one where we can do it “not openly la, [but] secret-secret ok.”

We’re The Amalgamation Of Conservative Singapore & Western Liberals

When it comes to promiscuity, we are a perplexing generation to understand. 

Perhaps it’s because of the way we were brought up. Our parents and grandparents are people who would wear the chastity belt with pride, but chastity and abstinence are not values that we celebrate. In fact, it’s the contrary: we see it as prudish. 

I believe a big part of this has to do with the way we are exposed to content from the West, the influences from Hollywood and American television since our primary school years. I find it hard to imagine us having the same perspectives as we have today should we have grown up with heavy influence from the East (like China) instead. 

Overseas exchange trips that some of us have had the opportunity to go for also allowed us to experience the different cultures across the globe. 

All of these collectively contributed to our general acceptance of liberal views in Singapore. 

As such, we are the generation that grew up trying to make sense of the conservative boundaries surrounding sex that our elders drew for us. Out of curiosity and the desire to ‘rebel’ a little, we dip our toes into these boundaries. As a result, we become increasingly liberal with sex while we still grapple with innately conservative values embedded in us from a young age. 

On a thread discussing promiscuity in Singapore, another Redditor commented: “We're definitely fine with sex, but we've been brought up in quite a conservative environment where open discussion about sex is frowned upon, so everyone seems like they're very pure.”

The Need To Keep Up ‘An Image’ To Prevent Being Shamed

Also ironically, despite our knowledge of a hookup culture in Singapore, we seem to still have a sex shaming culture as well. 

A large part of our society remains highly conservative, and I dare say that most millennials would feel uncomfortable with being 100% truthful to their parents about their views on sex and promiscuity. The reason: We either fear incurring their wrath in suggesting something so blasphemous, or we know there’s no point in even trying. 

In our society, there’s still a significant amount of shame that’s tied to traditionally promiscuous behaviours, which is pretty much engaging in any kind of sexual activities with anyone else besides our partner. 

I spoke to two millennials who opened up about having had multiple sex partners. Despite their belief that it’s okay to have casual sex, both shared the same sentiments that this ‘lifestyle’ is not something that they will flaunt because they are not confident that society, as a whole, will be able to accept their behaviours.

It isn’t so much of a fear of not being accepted by people, but it is the subtle ‘shade’ and shame that comes with being openly promiscuous that they would rather avoid. 

26-year-old Lynn*, said: “There are always moments where I judge myself. I think part of it is because we have always been taught that sex is all about love and should only be done in a committed relationship. Another thing is that people will definitely judge you as well, especially if they themselves strongly believe that sex is an act of love.”

27-year-old, Tony*, who revealed that he has had sex with around 36 women, added that it’s important to learn how to separate making love and having sex. “Sometimes I feel [bad] because it’s like a transaction, as if [sex] is the only thing we can offer. But on the other hand, it’s also a human need.” 

Despite all the shame and stigma however, there have been noticeable changes in our society. 

For instance, Swinging Communities are more prevalent these days, and Swingers are completely open about satiating their sexual desires through ‘unusual’ arrangements like swapping spouses and even sex parties (orgies)—yes, these happen in Singapore. These communities are a lot more accessible today, and you can easily surf forum threads that detail these experiences and join communities like Undertable—Singapore & ASIA Swingers Community.

Screen capture taken from Undertable

We’re becoming more receptive of the concept of promiscuity, and some would argue that this is eroding our traditional Asian values. But if we were to look at this objectively, it really isn’t necessarily bad. 

It isn’t as if promiscuous behaviours are a new fad. And sure, there’s a growing acceptance in the pursuit of promiscuous lifestyles today. However, it’s also a fact that people are more willing to open up today, which is great because being able to talk about it helps us understand more about sex. 

This is also a positive progression because on the other end of the spectrum, there are many who struggle with the guilt of doing something wrong whenever we pander to our sexual desires. I know this because I’ve struggled with it myself. 

This fear, guilt, and shame is also what deters us from talking about our struggles, or about sex even, which is really important in helping us understand more about something that is at the end of the day, really just human nature. 

It helps to take away a lot of guilt and shame that we really don’t need. And let’s be honest: having casual sex is inherently hedonistic, and we know it. 

Importantly, We Need To Know The Difference Between Acceptance Vs. Glorifying

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not advocating for Singapore to be more (or less) promiscuous. Instead, what I’m proposing is for us to think about how much we are talking about sex and how we are talking about it.

Ultimately, I think we need to establish the difference between accepting and glorifying sex and promiscuity. It’s one thing to be more open-minded and to encourage a more liberal society, and another to promote or encourage mindless promiscuity. Let me assure you that I am not gunning for the latter. Neither am I promoting the idea of polygamy or cheating, or for every conversation to be about sex.

What I’m saying is that it’ll do us good to have more acceptance.  

Something I’ve learnt from reading up about the Undertable Community is the need to have mutual respect and non-judgment.

With all that said, there are still behaviours that I don’t agree with. But that doesn’t mean that I expect other people to believe in my belief. I’d agree to disagree, because just like how I wouldn’t want others to judge my (sex) life, I believe there’s no win in judging others just  for their sex drive. 

Despite being inherently conservative, I’d say ‘it’s your life.’ Do whatever you want as long as you keep yourself safe, and you don’t affect anyone who isn't willing. 

So What’s Good For Our Society?

These days, there’s no more clear definitions of ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ as lines are blurred. More often than not, we know that behind cases of infidelity is also very likely a complicated history between two adults. 

As the generation that grew up with a mix of Eastern and Western values, we are one that are increasingly receptive of liberal perspectives while we continue to police ourselves with morals of fidelity and monogamy. 

Some may think that we are becoming desensitised or that we are normalising promiscuous behaviour and to a certain extent, we are. However, I don't think that this is necessarily a bad thing. It’s just growth. And being part of a society in a first-world nation, I think growth is good. 

Going forward, it's probably also one of the things that is going to change a good deal in several generations' time. 

* Names have been changed to protect the identity of the individuals.

Also read: Is There A Need For Better Sex Education That’s More Than STDs And Abstinence?.

(Header Image Credit: Marvin Meyer on Unsplash)

Do you remember the first time you masturbated? Did you feel guilty for the way it made you feel? If you did, you're not alone. Masturbation is a part of human nature. Despite having studies prove that masturbating is good for relieving stress and boosting our mood, it's still one of those things that many do, but few talk about. The first time we masturbate is an euphoric experience, where we experience a wave of immense pleasure we never knew possible. But it also leaves us confused and embarrassed. And that makes for interesting stories to tell.

1. IT WAS AN ACCIDENT

I only masturbated when I was 18 because I always thought it was a “dirty” deed from the way my friends used to tease each other about it. But one night, I was lying on my bed and hugging my bolster while watching a movie clip that turned me on. That’s when I impulsively began rubbing my legs against my penis (with my clothes on). I remember it feeling damn good. I kept rubbing until... yeah, it came out. Did I accidentally masturbate? Maybe. - Riduan, 21
pillow masturbate
GIF Credit: GIPHY

2. BOYFRIEND WANTED TO WATCH

The first time I masturbated wasn't by choice. I was 18 and I only did it because my boyfriend wanted to watch me touch myself. It felt like my body wasn’t even mine. I haven’t done it since we broke up. - Jas, 21

3. LATE-NIGHT GAMING

I was a 15-year-old who was really into this massively multiplayer online role-playing game (MMORPG). One night I decided to strip one of the female characters naked (well, almost naked because I couldn’t remove their underwear). I don’t know what made me think that I should rub myself, but I did. But after the wave of pleasure passed, I quickly put my clothes back on because I felt dirty. - Wei Jie, 25
gaming masturbation
GIF Credit: GIPHY

4. OUT OF BOREDOM

I was 18 or 19 and wanted to try it out for myself, having heard how great it feels. I went online and googled tips on masturbating. During school break, I was home alone and decided to try it out. It was horrible and uncomfortable. I didn't use porn or anything. I thought you didn't have to be horny to masturbate, I thought it was just something you could do when you were bored. - Aisyah, 25

5. THE ABSENCE OF A GIRLFRIEND

lonely relationship
GIF Credit: GIPHY
I was 15 when I first started masturbating. It was after I stopped dating this girl who was quite experienced and gave me handjobs on different occasions. I wanted to replicate what she did to feel the same pleasure again. But I was constantly worried what would happen if people knew I masturbated. I guess I felt guilty about it in a way, especially when I fantasised of other female bodies when I was attached. - Sean, 25

6. SINNERS GO TO HELL

I was 13 years old and my friends were talking about some website in class, so we went to one dude's house to check it out after school. We realised it was porn, and us being guys, we just kept on scrolling. Then one of my friends asked us if we had jerked off before. Most of us didn’t know what that meant, so he explained it to us. That night I went home to the same website and tried jerking off. I felt a mix of emotions after, but being Christian, I remember thinking I’d committed a sin and I’m going to hell. - Jason, 26
masturbation sin
GIF Credit: GIPHY

7. AT THE AGE OF 4

I was 4 years old, and I didn't know what it was or what I was doing, I just knew that if I pressed my genitals onto something, it will feel good. There was once when my mum caught me in the act and interrogated me, asking me who I learnt that from. That made me think that I did something wrong, because why else would I get chided for it? - Sophia, 19

8. WERKING THE POLE

pole masturbation
GIF Credit: GIPHY
I started watching porn when I was 12 years old. I realised I liked watching girls on a pole. That made me want to try posing with a pole too. So one day, I hopped on one of the vertical pillars of my bed with my legs crossed on them and my vagina touching the pillar. I felt immense pleasure as I rubbed myself against the pillar and my panties started getting wet. But then I realised my fingers were better at doing the job. - Shirin, 25

9. I THOUGHT I WAS ABNORMAL

When I first masturbated at the age of 17, it was because I was curious, and wanted to know what feeling 'sexually satisfied' felt like. I'd only heard of guys doing it and that made me think that I was 'abnormal' because I, a female, also had sexual urges. And even though I enjoyed it, I also felt guilty. I felt like I was doing something 'wrong'. My parents never talked to me about it, so I automatically assumed that it was something clandestine. - Cheryl, 27

10. A STOOL AND A TOILET ROLL

I was 11 and simply curious and interested. So I tried to f**k the hole in the stool. Didn’t work. Tried to use a toilet roll, didn’t really work too. Tried my hand, finally worked. But after that it felt weird and I thought that I needed to pee. Oh, and I also felt dirty. - Daniel, 24
masturbation method
GIF Credit: GIPHY

WHY THE GUILT?

A lot of these stories have one thing in common - the feeling of guilt. Many of these stories end with the individual feeling dirty or ashamed. For some of us, our religion tells us that it's a sin. For others, the fear of our parents finding out fills us with shame. Perhaps it's because of the fact that it happens in private, we feel that it's something that should be hidden. And because no one talks about it, there's no one to tell us if it's right or wrong. Maybe it's too hopeful to think that we can start talking about masturbation openly, but we could begin with asking ourselves why we feel guilty, and if that guilt even makes sense to us. If there's nothing about masturbation that rubs us the wrong way, isn't it better if we could find a way to work through the guilt and enjoy this 'pastime'? Also read: Is There A Need For Better Sex Education That's More Than STDs And Abstinence?
Who would have thought you’d need to be taught how to put on a condom in school? For most Singaporeans, the first time we would ever learn about the birds and the bees are in the sex education talk we get in primary and secondary school. Even so, our young minds were too amused by any mentions of 'penis' or 'vagina' to pay attention. Ask any millennial what they remembered from this talk and they will likely tell you that it was 'some random stranger preaching about abstinence and warning you about the dangers of unsafe sex'. With not much absorbed from these supposedly very important lessons, it's a wonder that Singaporean millennials know so much about sex. Having no distinct memory of ever sitting for a sex education talk myself, I spoke to some of my fellow millennials to see how much they actually remember. They, fortunately were able to enlighten me about the most awkward 60 minutes of secondary school. And after hearing what they had to say, I’m glad I’ve been able to suppress this from my memory. Though some of what they said did get me wondering, “how did I ever forget this??”

“‘Don’t have sex or you’ll get pregnant and die!’ - something that I took away when they taught us about sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) in secondary 3” – Aisha, 25

Complementing the messages of preventing STDs were lessons on using condoms for safe sex. Naturally, watching a grown adult roll a condom down a banana stood out for many.

“When learning how to wear a condom properly with the use of a banana as example, they told us, ‘always remember to the pinch the top!’” – Natasha, 27

sex education
Image Credit: NBC via Imgur
It’s great that we have a sex education program in place at all. In countries like China, sex education is almost completely non-existent and experts say that this has contributed to the<a href=" rise of HIV and abortion cases amongst the Chinese youth. While I'm grateful that such statistics isn't that much of a worry in Singapore, many of us still find our sex education program to be pretty sh*t. 

SINGAPORE’S ABSTINENCE-ONLY APPROACH

The Ministry of Education (MOE) values abstinence as the best approach in the prevention of STDs and unwanted pregnancies. But this is unrealistic. Teens are having sex, and it’s silly for anyone to think otherwise. That makes it all the more crucial that teens are provided with necessary information to help them in make informed choices. Instilling fear of STDs and AIDS in them isn’t going to work. 

“I remember that a lot of the focus was not really on the process, but on the DANGERS of unsafe sex. Telling teenagers ‘DO NOT HAVE SEX, YOU WILL GET HERPES’ just makes them scared to seek help if they need it.” – Melissa, 28

The more you tell a teenager not to do something, the more s/he will do it. Rather than trying to prevent the impossible i.e. teenagers having sex, and living with the idealistic mindset that teens will abstain till marriage, schools should address the obvious straight-on. It’s time sex education lessons started giving students answers to questions that they shouldn’t be looking for on Google.
sex education
Image Credit: GIPHY
Let's be honest. We learnt a lot more about sex and protection through the videos and stories we see and read online than through our sex ed. But that isn't necessarily the best way to go when the resources available online may not always be 'healthy'.
“It was a lot of out-dated scaremongering and it didn't maturely teach teenagers how to practice safe sex at a point in their lives where they would be naturally sexually curious, if not already active.” – Nikki, 25
It is a problem and we need to rethink the way we teach sex education because it is invaluable knowledge that will impact the rest of our lives. Abstinence and encouraging safe sex are good messages, but there are many bigger concerns that teens will come to have when they become sexually active. 

LET'S TALK ABOUT CONTRACEPTION

Aside from teaching teens how to put a condom on a banana, our sex education barely touches on birth control and contraception.
“The school was so obsessed with talking about the dangers of sex that they didn't give us practical advice, like informing us about the various forms of birth control and where to get them.” – Sophia, 23
As a teenage girl myself once, I knew close to nothing about contraceptives. I had only heard about condoms and learnt about the existence of birth control pills through movies and television. When I reached a stage in my life when I had to use it, I jumped to Google to gather all the information I now know about contraception. I wish my school would have given me a “Contraceptives 101” crash course (or even a sex education talk worth remembering). Let’s take the image below for example. It shows us the various methods of contraception. Even looking at it now, I can’t say that I am entirely sure how some of these contraceptives work. Can I Google it? Sure. But I shouldn’t have to.
contraception methods
Image Credit: healthinfi.com
In Northern and Western Europe, students learn about contraception as part of their sex education program and where, no surprise, the rate of unintended pregnancies is low. But not only does learning about contraception prevent unintended pregnancies, it arms teens with the knowledge that will help them be less vulnerable and more prepared in the face of unforeseen circumstances. For instance, if a teen who hasn’t been taught about emergency contraception ever finds themselves in a vulnerable position after unprotected sex, they’re more likely to feel confused and scared than someone who has learnt about them.

REAL-WORLD SITUATIONS

As parents to a teenage daughter, my parents became extra paranoid about the people I hung out with once I hit puberty. And by people, I mean boys. The compelling need to protect daughters from danger has been ingrained into people’s minds for centuries. There’s a chronic fear when it comes to raising daughters that no one openly talks about, but we all know it’s there. Conversations like these are often kept hush-hush. But how can we hope to eliminate a fear without talking about it? There have been many cases over the past couple of months that have opened up a can of worms over the concept of consent before or during sex. “If a girl doesn’t say no, does it mean yes?” “But they’re in a relationship, still need to ask permission meh?” “The girl knew what she was getting into the moment she started making out with him.” Be it the Eden Ang controversy, or the<a href=" RP graduate who got flamed online for her blog post describing an incident that occurred between her and her then-boyfriend, these “discussions” have warranted that we re-evaluate the way we think and talk about sex. Talking about abstinence doesn’t help when you find yourself in a situation beyond your control. And knowing about the consequences of unsafe sex (STDs) wouldn’t matter when it’s too late to prevent it. Concerns that sex education should also touch on include dealing with undesirable situations. For example, teaching girls and boys about consent.  The United Kingdom has recently reformed its sex education program to include lessons on consent as well. Being able to ask and clarify before making an advance, saying no to unwanted advances and understanding the verbal and visual cues of consent are all important in creating a safer space for teens not just in schools, but outside school grounds as well. Talking about the issue with their peers and discussing and clarifying their concerns with educators can help teens understand what a healthy relationship looks like.
“Boys should know to ask for consent and to cope with their sexual urgencies and girls should be empowered to say 'no' if they don't want to have sex.” – Victoria, 26
Sex needs to be openly discussed. By keeping this conversation confined behind closed classroom doors and separating girls and boys during this talk, we’re only reinforcing the message that sex is “bad” and “wrong”. If we teach sex education the way we teach students Math, for example, we’ll be creating a safe space where students wouldn’t need to shy away from seeking help if ever they find themselves in a predicament. And if teens today find themselves feeling confused or conflicted like we once did, all they'd need to do, is ask. While the act of sex may be done behind closed doors, the conversation shouldn’t have to be. Also read: Let's Talk About Sex: 15 S'poreans On Whether Sexual Compatibility Is Important In A Relationship
As conservative as our society is, millennials are no longer the generation that practices abstinence until marriage. In fact, those who still do abstain are the odd ones out who get teased. Whether it’s statistics from an Institute of Policy Studies that '1 in every 2 Singapore residents do not feel that pre-marital sex is bad' or just the general reactions during sex talks among our social circles - it’s no longer a surprise when you find out that your couple friends are having sex, in fact it’s almost expected. We hear a lot about sex from Western culture, but what about Singaporeans? Curious to find out how fellow locals feel about sex, I spoke to 15 Singaporean millennials. How important is sex in a relationship and is sexual compatibility a deal breaker? Here’s what I found.

How Important Is Sex In A Relationship?

As expected, 11 of 15 Singaporeans (73%) surveyed find sex to be quite important to very important. Not surprising at all, considering all the messages I have grown up being exposed to from Hollywood TV shows and rom-com films to celebrity gossip news. The main reasons behind those who see sex as a significant part of a relationship are that sex is an unspoken way to express love, affection, and intimacy that’s more than just friendship. Then, there’s some that consider it important as it’s part of their love language. One of them shared, sex is “a cornerstone of every relationship. It's the biggest way of showing each other affection and love, apart from the day-to-day small gestures.”
Sex and Sexual Compatibility
GIF Credit: GIPHY
Sex is also a way for some of them to keep the flame alive and for one married millennial, “without sex, it feels like something is missing in the relationship. Sex makes me feel a whole other level of intimacy and closeness with my partner.” For the four from the other camp, one has chosen to abstain from sex due to religious beliefs while the rest reasoned that there are other factors that define a relationship, like personality or being able to appreciate quality time with each other.

What About Sexual Compatibility, Is It A Deal Breaker?

Even though more than 70% voted that sex is important in a relationship, only 6 of 15 (40%) felt that sexual compatibility is a deal breaker - a result I am surprised at, which I will share why further down. The two main reasons behind sexual compatibility being a deal breaker for these millennials are the conflict of values and the difficulty in compromising on sexual preferences. Essentially, if one has certain beliefs or values on sex, especially on abstaining due to religion, the other will have to ‘reciprocate’. It will be a big problem if a couple’s personal beliefs and values don’t align. Also, it’s very hard to compromise on something like sexual desire, “you don’t want to have sex with someone who goes left when you go right, or if someone expects sex everyday but the other don’t want to.” As for the majority (60%) that voted sexual compatibility as not a deal breaker, they reasoned that it boils down to communication and being mature enough to come to a common understanding. For them, a couple can make the choice on sexual compatibility being an issue or not, “as long as both parties are open to trying, experimenting, or coming to an agreement to compromise for each other. Otherwise, it could lead to repressed sexual emotions or even cheating. Just like personality quirks, two also said that it is about respecting your partner’s sexual desires and needs - “when you know they are doing something they don't really like in bed just for you, it makes you treasure the other person more."

I Disagree With The Results

Contrary to the results of the survey, I personally don’t find sex to be particularly important in a relationship. I do see how such intimacy can help with keeping things exciting, but I value many other parts that constitutes a relationship, like warm hugs, deep conversations, or just the plain, old commitment to stick with each other through thick or thin. Or perhaps, you can say that I have a way lower sex drive than others. After all, sex is really a personal preference, as with how some people have sexual kinks while others don’t. I am, however, very surprised at how only 40% (6/15) of those surveyed consider sexual compatibility a deal breaker because I have always thought that a person’s sexual preferences is an innate drive that is very hard to compromise or even change. For one, differing sexual expectations can put unhealthy amounts of stress on the relationship. I once dated a guy who wanted sex a lot, while I was unsure if I was ready to lose my virginity. As a result of pressure, the guilt I felt from not making him happy as a girlfriend, and the intention of shutting his constant ‘just try only la’ up once and for all, I succumbed.
Sex and Sexual Compatibility
GIF Credit: GIPHY
My giving in, however, gave him the chance to ask for us to do it more. But as anyone would know, the more you ask for something from someone who doesn’t want it, the more the person won’t want to do it. He’d even put on porn for us to watch just so it may get me aroused. The situation got so bad that it became a natural tendency for me to shut off the moment he started kissing me - I even felt grossed out.   As one wise guy I surveyed shared, “everything leading to sex and sex itself put you in a position where you are not only physically but mentally vulnerable to your other half. The whole act as a couple shows the amount of trust you have with them not to hurt you, but an act of affirmation that this is between you two.” Thus, having the same level of understanding on sex and intimacy is something I feel extremely important. I’m not a strong believer in my faith but I know people who choose to follow the values that they were taught in their religion. Whether it’s the belief that sex is something sacred only reserved for the one they marry or that it’s just considered sinful to engage in pre-marital sex, such beliefs can create a lot of problems for a couple. Take for example a free-thinker friend of mine, Nathan*, who once dated a Mormon girl. Among many other strict rules in the religion, Mormons are not allowed to engage in intimate touching and kissing outside of a heterosexual marriage, let alone pre-marital sex. They naturally broke many of those ‘rules’ and while she couldn’t deny enjoying what they did, she’d feel guilty about it. As for Nathan, he’d always have to wonder where to draw the line, always treading on thin line and hoping that they won't get into any kind of trouble. That’s not a healthy way to date. Then, there’s media and peer influence. A couple needs to be fully clear and accepting of each other sexual preferences (or how often to have sex). Otherwise, it is very easy to be swayed by society or be pressured into being ‘normal’ like the rest.

Sex Is Just One Part Of A Relationship

Regardless, a relationship is a lot more than just sex. For some, sex is something that they absolutely cannot do without while others see it as a non-essential relationship activity. To say that sex should be important in all relationships or sexual compatibility should be a deal breaker is akin to trying to force someone into a religion. Also, if you’re limiting yourself to finding the one person you have the best sexual chemistry with, you could end up an old spinster trying to find the perfect one. Ultimately, if a couple really commit to love and treasure each other, they would want to make things work together, even if it means compromising on their own sexual preferences to make sure their partner is happy. So, how important is sex to you and is it a deal breaker? Share your thoughts with us in the comments below! Also read: Is Marrying Young Only For The Rash and Reckless?
Wet, slobbery and passionate kisses, we’ve been on the roof top of JEM for the last 15 minutes. It feels like an hour. Straddled on top of you, it was exciting and arousing for you a lot longer than it was for me – I kept going because I loved you. When you unzipped your pants, I didn’t think much of it, but in a sharp whisper you asked to go to third base. Whether I shook my head or stared blankly at you, I can’t recall.   Hoarse pleas of “we can’t stop here,” whispered repeatedly from the lips I was so passionately kissing moments ago – something about the way you begged made it impossible to say no. But my body reacted before I could consider giving in, erupting into rapid, shallow and irregular breaths as I turned away from you. Shaking like a scared puppy on your lap, you zipped up and held me tight.   Swaying gently, you stroked my hair. You must love me. There’s no doubt about that. I felt your excitement ease but it was my turn to swell – pink and puffy from the friction of my cotton panties against your jeans, my skin burned whenever I used the toilet. Is that normal? He was the sweet boy that everyone adored for his masculine physique, good nature, and fun-loving personality. I felt small and well protected with him. He understood what it meant to love the invisible man in the sky, what it meant to be ‘touched by the Bible’. He really wasn’t my type. I’ve always had a penchant for the bad boys who were good only to me. It wasn’t like I actively sourced them out to change them, they were just somehow drawn to me. Maybe because I had the morals of a conservative Christian but lived within the loopholes of the bible, the grey areas that divide different Christian groups. Safe but still fun. He broke the streak of bad boy personalities and became my perfect match – His tenderness was best friends with my guilty conscience and his love a dictator of my soul. I know what you said, you wouldn’t love me any less if we didn’t do these ‘things’, yet when I asked if we could stop, the forlorn look in your eyes said otherwise. It made my heart ache as much as my jaws. I wonder if you knew the contrast of bliss and disappointment on your face was too much for me to bear. It reminded me that I had the power to turn that frown upside down but I chose not to. I am selfish. I am a terrible girlfriend.  You pulled up your pants before lifting me off the ground in one swift motion as I whispered a pathetic trail of apologies. Your embrace, tender kisses and ‘It’s okay’ didn’t offer any comfort. You planted a final peck on my cheek, ready to leave. “I’ll do it. I want to do it. Just not in my balcony. Even with the curtains, it’s too in the open. My sis might come down and see us. Let’s do it in the toilet instead.” I caved in again and hated myself for it. Back on my knees, I played your disappointment in my head on repeat, willing my tongue and lips to graze all the right spots for just a bit longer. For just a bit longer, I need to ignore the palpitations that made my body shake. I love you, I mustn’t be selfish. I stood up. Somehow my usual tricks couldn’t convince me to finish the job tonight. My eyes burned as hot as the welt on my knees that sunk between tiles. I looked at you, no longer worthy of your love but hoping you’d give it to me anyway. For the second time tonight, you pulled your pants up and I followed you out of the toilet. As you packed up your things, I leaned against the wall some distance away. You hugged me, gave me a kiss on the forehead, and wiped my tears away. The gentler you were the louder my guilty conscience – I blew it. I blew my second chance. When he cheated on me, I didn’t wait for his apology to forgive him. The day I found out, he joined my family for dinner where my dad talked extensively about the hotel we were going to stay at for our getaway in Malacca – Holiday Inn, that’s where he f**ked the girl. Against my friends’ counsel, I stayed with him because I believed our love was strong enough to overcome his infidelity. I threw myself into the art of forgiveness, always tiptoeing around his crime. I didn't even stop him from going to the club after that, determined to show him that my trust hasn't wavered. I think I fixed us but I forgot about my own broken heart. Even when he reassured me that his affair wasn’t my fault, I sucked him off anyway to make sure he wouldn’t find solace in another girl. I could never shake off the fear when I had to reject his advances. The certainty of my yeses and noes were marred because my consent and dissent swayed to the rhythm of his persuasion. Just like Ariel, I traded in my voice for a chance at love, except she got Eric and I turned to foam. I am objective enough to take responsibility for this feeling of violation. I was never clear enough. I only hoped he read my mind or inferred from the few times I broke down in the middle of making out. The relationship was toxic for more reasons than this, but I clung on because there was just enough love and attention to keep me going. When we finally ended things, I was a tragic mess but my friends rejoiced, knowing that I will eventually see what they have been seeing. I often questioned why I never ventured beyond third base – what stopped me from being that girl who gave sex for love and lost it anyway? You. We often spoke in revere of chastity and you confessed how my purity was one reason we’re together. I should have known then that your stand on virginity was personal and not religious. You loved me for a lot of things but my abstinence was a big factor – I wanted to keep you interested. I deal with the wreck of my relationship, knowing I am not the only girl who walks around with a chip on her shoulder. This story is for the girls who will never be able to fully express their feelings of being violated because we enabled it, because there was never verbal or physical abuse, only the silent threat which we convinced ourselves would happen if we didn’t do so – we have no right to feel victimised.
Story is adapted from an original recount shared to us.
Also read, Millennials Share Their Biggest Relationship Mistakes So You Wouldn’t Make The Same Ones.
“Am I slutty?” This is a question I often ask myself. I even ask it to my friends, “Do you think I’m slutty?” I genuinely want to know. They tell me no, you just have a high sex drive; no, you’re only a slut if you hit double digits; no, you’re single, it’s fine! Some of them genuinely mean what they say, but some of them – I can tell – are just trying to make me feel better. Maybe they think it’s a trick question. While I couldn’t care less what strangers think of me, I do care a great deal what my friends think. Do I see myself as slutty? Well, yeah. What else do you call someone who sleeps with people they’re not in relationships with, makes out with strangers in clubs, and sends nudes to boys just because they asked? I’ve slept with boys I haven’t been attracted to in the slightest. I sleep with them because I want sex, and they were available. So, if a slut is someone who has many casual sexual partners, then I’m guilty as charged.

The Young Slut

There was a time in my life when I was bothered by this label. I was 17 and studying in polytechnic. I was hooking up with different boys from school, sending photos of myself when innocent text conversations turned into something more. I thought I was an awful person. I knew in my mind that I should not be doing this, but I also wondered why? It felt good, not just physically. It felt good to be wanted, to have your body desired. Why shouldn’t I do it? It was my choice after all, wasn’t it? Back then, people would call me a slut behind my back, and it hurt whenever I found out. Gossip like this spreads fast, and the further it spread, the more warped it would become, such that when it came back around, it was a completely different story from what had actually happened. During those day, I would get these looks from schoolmates when we passed in the campus corridors. You just knew they were talking about you, that they knew of you and the things you had done. It’s a confusing environment for a woman who is just finding out who she is and what she believes. Once, the mother of one of the boys I hooked up with caught us in the act and yelled at us. She told me I was a loose woman, and that I had no respect for their family. She might as well have called me the S-word.

Staying True To Me

These days, a few years and many experiences later, the label no longer bothers me. These days, I've learned to embrace who I am, what I want, and what I believe. I've learned to embrace the fact that I am a woman who loves sex in a society where it is indecent for a woman to show any signs of wanting it. I've learned to embrace my belief that long-term relationships and monogamy isn't for me -- at least at this stage of my life. I've learned to embrace all of this in spite of the knowledge that many Singaporeans will not approve.

So What If I Am, So What If I’m Not?

These days, with Tinder, Grindr, and all that becoming a normal part of our dating experiences, and with shifting attitudes towards relationships, sex, and bodies, people are less judgmental about non-committal sex and casual relationships. Still, there remains a group of people who thinks differently -- a majority that will still call the type of woman I am a 'slut', as if they were morally superior to me. They think I will give myself to anyone and for anything. They think I don't value myself enough. Little do they know that I am doing exactly what I want. There was a time when I was ashamed of being a 'slut', but in the last 7 or 8 years, I've learned that it doesn't matter. It does not define me. Maybe I am a slut, and maybe I'm not. The important thing is that it is not all that I am, and that I know who I am outside of these labels.

This Is Me

We all have a choice as to how we live our lives. This is how I’ve chosen for mine. This is my body and I have the right to do whatever I want with it. Maybe monogamy works for some people. But it’s not for me. I don’t think there is a right or wrong when it comes to relationships -- only what is common and what is not. What I do think, however, is that this choice fits me now. Maybe a few years down the road, I will think differently; maybe then, I’ll choose differently. But that is for me to find out later on. Until then, it is no one’s business but mine who I sleep with, how often I do it, and why I do it. And no one is going to make me feel bad about doing what I believe is right for me.