I was brought up with the salary earned from a full-time insurance agent. I have aunts, cousins, and friends in this line of work too. I’ve witnessed the effort and emotions that go behind every sales pitch, road show, clinched deal, or failed negotiation. I know every job comes with their own struggles, but for what they go through, insurance agents get a lot more flak than they deserve.
Many of my relatives choose not to disclose their job unless absolutely necessary because people treat them differently the moment they know. It's extremely hard to form or keep social circles because everyone thinks meeting up could possibly mean being 'preached' to. Perhaps the worst is when kind intentions are met with skepticism – Are you nice to me because you want me to buy something from you? In other words, insurance agents became a group we discriminate based on a few bad sheep and our preconceived perceptions. Some time back one of my friend's client landed himself in the hospital. It was only then, that he realised the hospitalisation plan he bought was void because he forgot to pay the monthly premium. While there was a very low chance of success, his agent, my friend, made calls and sent in paper work to appeal his case. Although the appeal was approved within a month, the client’s family still holds my friend responsible for the mess up – if anything goes wrong, only the agent is to blame.
Just like any sales job, work constantly seeps into personal life – it’s difficult for agents to stop working. Whenever they are informed of someone’s hospital admission, the insurance agents I know will sacrifice family time to tend to these clients. Even if it was in the middle of a birthday celebration, they'd walk their client through the steps they should follow to ease the claims approval process.
It's not always about monetary loss or gain either. Sometimes, the difference between a successful case closed and failed pitch is life and death, and the impact you make in someone else's life will stay with you forever.
A close one recounted how she pulled out of a trip to Sri Lanka at the last minute but was asked to help her friends with their travel insurance. She recommended one of her friends, Amy, to buy an additional life plan which was a basic cover that she didn't have, but Amy opted for a hospitalisation plan instead. Her whole group of friends died in the tsunami during that trip, including Amy. Amy was a single mother, and her 2 children were left orphaned without financial support – something that the agent blames herself for till this day.
Ultimately, selling insurance is just part of an insurance agent's job. Since we’re all about acceptance and love these days, let’s extend this circle to everyone we meet – give them a chance to talk if you have time to listen. Most agents actually do believe in the benefits and returns that these plans entail. And if that annoying friend won’t stop bothering you, there’s always a kinder way to say no than to cut out a friend entirely.
Also read, We Asked 4 Millennials How Much Insurance They Have And What They Actually Know About Their Plans.
I know what you said, you wouldn’t love me any less if we didn’t do these ‘things’, yet when I asked if we could stop, the forlorn look in your eyes said otherwise. It made my heart ache as much as my jaws. I wonder if you knew the contrast of bliss and disappointment on your face was too much for me to bear. It reminded me that I had the power to turn that frown upside down but I chose not to. I am selfish. I am a terrible girlfriend.
You pulled up your pants before lifting me off the ground in one swift motion as I whispered a pathetic trail of apologies. Your embrace, tender kisses and ‘It’s okay’ didn’t offer any comfort. You planted a final peck on my cheek, ready to leave.
“I’ll do it. I want to do it. Just not in my balcony. Even with the curtains, it’s too in the open. My sis might come down and see us. Let’s do it in the toilet instead.” I caved in again and hated myself for it. Back on my knees, I played your disappointment in my head on repeat, willing my tongue and lips to graze all the right spots for just a bit longer. For just a bit longer, I need to ignore the palpitations that made my body shake. I love you, I mustn’t be selfish.
I stood up. Somehow my usual tricks couldn’t convince me to finish the job tonight. My eyes burned as hot as the welt on my knees that sunk between tiles. I looked at you, no longer worthy of your love but hoping you’d give it to me anyway. For the second time tonight, you pulled your pants up and I followed you out of the toilet.
As you packed up your things, I leaned against the wall some distance away. You hugged me, gave me a kiss on the forehead, and wiped my tears away. The gentler you were the louder my guilty conscience – I blew it. I blew my second chance.
When he cheated on me, I didn’t wait for his apology to forgive him. The day I found out, he joined my family for dinner where my dad talked extensively about the hotel we were going to stay at for our getaway in Malacca – Holiday Inn, that’s where he f**ked the girl.
Against my friends’ counsel, I stayed with him because I believed our love was strong enough to overcome his infidelity. I threw myself into the art of forgiveness, always tiptoeing around his crime. I didn't even stop him from going to the club after that, determined to show him that my trust hasn't wavered.
I think I fixed us but I forgot about my own broken heart.
Even when he reassured me that his affair wasn’t my fault, I sucked him off anyway to make sure he wouldn’t find solace in another girl. I could never shake off the fear when I had to reject his advances. The certainty of my yeses and noes were marred because my consent and dissent swayed to the rhythm of his persuasion. Just like Ariel, I traded in my voice for a chance at love, except she got Eric and I turned to foam.
I am objective enough to take responsibility for this feeling of violation. I was never clear enough. I only hoped he read my mind or inferred from the few times I broke down in the middle of making out. The relationship was toxic for more reasons than this, but I clung on because there was just enough love and attention to keep me going. When we finally ended things, I was a tragic mess but my friends rejoiced, knowing that I will eventually see what they have been seeing.
I often questioned why I never ventured beyond third base – what stopped me from being that girl who gave sex for love and lost it anyway? You.
We often spoke in revere of chastity and you confessed how my purity was one reason we’re together. I should have known then that your stand on virginity was personal and not religious. You loved me for a lot of things but my abstinence was a big factor – I wanted to keep you interested.
I deal with the wreck of my relationship, knowing I am not the only girl who walks around with a chip on her shoulder. This story is for the girls who will never be able to fully express their feelings of being violated because we enabled it, because there was never verbal or physical abuse, only the silent threat which we convinced ourselves would happen if we didn’t do so – we have no right to feel victimised.
"My boyfriend and I would always take the same bus home together but after a big fight, he left without me. I was seething with anger so I just sat in the school canteen in silence. When I registered what had happened, I ran out of school hoping to reconcile with him.
When I was reaching the bus stop, I saw him board the bus and leave. I couldn't convince myself to give up, so I kept running. When the bus rounded the turn I knew I had no chance. My knees softened and I sat down at the overhead bridge to cry for a long while.
I realised my friends and a couple of seniors had watched the entire scene pan out from the bus stop. I was beyond embarrassed."
– Jade, 23
My girlfriend and I had a huge spat after I heard that she cheated on me. I let my anger fuel my words and we couldn't talk things out properly. She went home, but I really wanted to clarify certain things with her so I decided to look for her at her house.
I showed up at her doorstep but her lesbian friend who has a crush on her stopped me at the door. I tried to push past her but she held her ground. I shouted so that my girlfriend would be able to hear me from her room.
“She doesn’t want to see you!” Her friend shoved me and my back rammed against the wall along the corridor. I pushed her back and she tumbled into the living room. I was fuming at this point so when she charged at me again, I punched her in the face. My girlfriend must have sensed something was wrong because she finally came out of the room to catch us throwing punches at each other.
I had to deal with the police for a few weeks after that. Needless to say, the relationship ended on terrible terms."
– Terrance, 30
"I was in a long distance relationship and we were going through a really rough patch. Both of us were really busy and the time difference made it impossible to catch up as often as we hoped – the frustration led to us arguing a lot but we always reconciled. But this once after our fight, he ignored my texts and calls for the whole day. I cried myself to sleep thinking, “this is it, he’s breaking up with me.”
In the morning, I woke up to my sister giggling followed by a warm peck on my cheek. He didn’t reply me because he was on the plane back to see me. The fight itself wasn’t dramatic but the making up process was the most movie-like experience I had."
– Sasha, 24
"I had just stormed out of my boyfriend’s house and ruined the 'low maintenance' image his parents had of me. It was 1am and I was crying so hard that I had to sit by the curb to catch my breath. I wasn’t hoping for him to chase after me, but a while later I saw his car. I was still breathlessly sobbing and feeling too prideful, so I just let him drive by.
I told me that I would rather walk than see him but he insisted on waiting for me at the void deck of my house. Meanwhile, he had to answer calls from my parents about my whereabouts because I refused to pick up their phone.
We were texting hostile but empty threats about breaking up and it went on for a long while before I sent him my live location to work it out face-to-face.
He found me sitting at another road he had apparently drove pass. We yelled at each other till we ‘fixed things’. I even tried to storm off again but he pulled me back. After that, I cried into his shoulder till I literally passed out. My boyfriend carried me back to the car until I calmed down before he sent me home to deal with my parents."
– Karla, 21
"After yet another fight with my ex, I demanded that he unlock his house door for me so I can leave. To my disappointment, he did so without any hesitation, and I stormed off. But instead of going home, I loitered around his neighbourhood, hoping for him to realise how wrong he was and come look for me. After aimlessly walking around, I finally settled on a bench at one of the void decks nearby where I bawled my eyes out.
I probably looked like a wreck because many passers-by stopped to ask if I was okay. One uncle even left me a packet of tissue and told me, “男孩子全部都是坏的啦，小妹不要想太多， 你还小以后的日子会更好。” (all boys are bad, don’t think too much, you’re still young things will get better)
My ex texted me an hour later and because I was still pissed, I sent him on a hunt around his neighbourhood before he finally found me."
– Crystal, 26
"At 14-years-old I was in a relationship with a boy 5 years older than me. We were really immature and were always breaking up and getting back together. I didn’t know how to physically cope with those emotions back then so I turned to alcohol.
Once, my friend snuck out some of her mother’s whisky which we drank by her condo’s pool. At some point, I fell asleep on the table, faced down. When I vomited, I was so wasted that I continued sleeping in my puddle of semi-digested food and liquids. Miraculously, my friend manage to get me to the public toilet, although she said I was crawling most of the way. (Bear in mind we were both 14-year-old 'kids' and it was in bright day light)
She quickly ran up to her house for clothes and a towel to clean me up before she called my ex-boyfriend for help. Since he was still serving his national service with the police force, he had to cab down during his lunch to carry me from the toilet to my friend’s house.
We got together again before breaking up for good a year later."
– Rebecca, 24
"I can’t even remember what we were arguing about but it was loud. We were hanging out in Starbucks with our friends and even they couldn't stop us from yelling at each other. The argument became so heated that we stood up and continued shouting. Everyone there were staring at us when she ran out of Starbucks in tears. The girls chased after her while the boys stayed with me.
I was seething at her for being so incredibly unreasonable, but in the end, I eventually looked for her and gave her a hug first."
– Zhi Wei, 22
"She was my first girlfriend and I didn’t understand why girls always want to 'talk about things'.
We were walking home from supper and I was super angry about something petty but I didn’t want to “talk about it”. I wanted to send her home and find somewhere to cool off on my own but she was having none of that. When I tried to continue walking, she hugged me and tried to hold me back with her weight. I am almost 190cm tall and she was smaller than the average Singaporean girl. It would have been funny if I weren’t so angry.
I gave her a damn annoyed look and pried her hands off of me. Normally my cold stare was enough to make her stop her nonsense, but she was super stubborn that day – wrapped her hands around my waist and kept trying to stop me from walking. Her hugs were so tight and persistent I didn’t stay angry for long. I succumbed and we sat by the road side to talk about my feelings – sounds sissy, but it made her happy."
– Timothy, 23
DRAW. YOUR. CURTAINS.
Needless to say, no one wants to deal with the awkwardness that ensues witnessing one of your friends naked, or having them see you naked accidentally. So unless you enjoy baring it all to anyone and everyone, close your curtains, draw your blinds, and shut the doors before you start stripping.
Traditionally, because women join their husband's family upon marriage, the dowry is used to compensate the bride's family for raising their daughter well and ‘giving her away’. Another common practice is where a dowry is given to the groom's family as financial relief for future costs incurred from taking care of the new wife. Regardless, the idea is the same: a dowry is given as a remuneration of sorts.
Since Singaporean men and women have equal rights to education and career opportunities, and that both husband and wife are free to visit their families even after marriage (considering the idea of 'giving the daughters away'), there is no longer a need to ‘reimburse’ any party in the marriage.
The giving of dowries should be an obsolete practice then. So why do older generations still insist on keeping this tradition?
“It’s Not About Money!”
It’s common courtesy for the side receiving the dowry to return part of it in cash or by covering some of the wedding expenses. Ultimately, most of the money is given back or used to benefit the couple so arguably it isn’t about how much, but rather a matter of staying rooted in our culture.
With that said, a token sum of $50 should suffice to pass on the dowry for tradition's sake, but you still hear exorbitant numbers being thrown around.
If all children are priceless, $100,000 won't justify the worth of one’s daughter either. Only items sold in a business have a price tag justifying its worth. If we put a price on our daughter’s hand in marriage, we’re taking a huge step back in time, undoing all the efforts made to empower the women of today. In a way, the 'bride’s price' objectifies women and it should never be an accurate representation of someone’s worth. In the case where grooms pay the dowry, an expensive one can only be justified if daughters are perceived to be more precious and valued than sons – where true love and sincerity alone is considered a ‘low ball price’ for marrying a woman. Has the feminist movement tipped the scales of equality in their favour or is it just a money making opportunity? Millennials we reached out to unanimously agreed that dowries place unnecessary stress on engaged couples. We’ve even heard of couples who had to cut back on their ideal wedding budget or loan money from their parents to afford the dowry. In worst case scenarios, wedding planning becomes a failed business deal and both families end up falling out – just because of dowries. Clearly, the dowry only benefits one party. I thought no one would want to pay money in the name of tradition – I was wrong."Where got daughter worth $50 one?"
For some, being able to afford the expensive tradition gives a sense of pride because it reflects status and wealth. And for wealthier families that can actually afford, most pay for they fear ‘losing face’.
Compared to an expensive dowry, having a good job, a healthy bank balance, and properties under your name would be a better gauge of one's net worth and financial independence. Even if one has millions to spare, paying the dowry shouldn’t be a platform to boast about your wealth anyway.
As newlyweds, there are so many better ways to spend money, like furnishing your new home or saving for your first child.
Then, there are those concerns tying the uncorroborated link between a dowry and it's importance in the future of a marriage:
Ultimately, like our chou chou, a comforting pillow we hug or smell to feel safe, the dowry is a false sense of security we cling onto. If someone is innately a violent person or lacks the courage to stand up for his wife, no amount of money can change that. You can only trust your daughter’s choice in your son-in-law and her strength to walk away if things turn sour, or trust in the Singapore law to protect her."If I don't pay the dowry, they might treat my daughter poorly."
Where’s the safety deposit in case something happens to your daughter or if she runs off with another man? We act as if women are always the victim of toxic relationships even though we've all heard our fair share of nightmarish girlfriends, but that's a story for another time. In Singapore, the various laws and rules that enable women to achieve just as much as men makes it easy to forget that gender equality runs deeper than just equal opportunities. It’s about our perception of women. We still think females are weak and emotional beings with the inability to cope when things go south despite the many single mother success stories. The number of dual income families has not help us outgrow the concept of men being the sole breadwinner either. Dowries are proof of our wayward thinking despite equal opportunities. It is through subtle things like this that tells of how we still can’t see a woman as an equal to her male counterpart. We are hindered by the inertia of tradition. There is no logical reason to pass this custom onto the next generation. Instead of expensive dowry gifts, I vote for a more meaningful use of money – a bigger to help kick start the newlywed’s lives together. Also read, Why Securing A BTO First Makes A More Meaningful Proposal."If anything bad happens to my son-in-law or if he runs away with another woman, I can use the dowry money to help my daughter."
Copyright © 2023 GRVTY Media Pte Ltd (Co. Reg. 201431998C). All Rights Reserved.